


These Are Our Stories

by skittle479



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-06-07 11:17:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 70
Words: 76,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6801541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skittle479/pseuds/skittle479
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm Priti Halliwell, but you can call me Mrs Barba. I wanted to tell you a little bit about how I met my husband.<br/>http://mrsrafaelbarba.tumblr.com/</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How I Met My Barba

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm Priti Halliwell, but you can call me Mrs Barba. I wanted to tell you a little bit about how I met my husband.

Hey there everyone! Let me start by introducing myself; my name is Priti Halliwell. But more recently I’ve been called Mrs Barba.

How did that happen you might ask? Well that my friends is an excellent question! Not to go all “How I Met Your Mother” on you guys, but I thought I’d tell you a little about how I met my husband.

My story basically started when I moved to Manhattan. I’d gotten in to Columbia University Medical School and in dire need of a job to pay for my ridiculously priced apartment. Somehow I stumbled into the Manhattan 16th precinct Special Victims Unit as a secretarial temp. I basically filled stuff, typed up reports, occasionally if I was feeling generous, made coffee for the squad. Weeks turned to months and, finally, years later I’m finishing medical school. Strangely, I’m more saddened by the end of my time at the squad room. The years I spent with the detectives have been some of the best years of my life, they have taught me so much and have become my family.

Anyway, I digress. Let’s skip ahead a few years, I’m finally board certified and a fully functioning member of the medical profession, but I always find the time to visit and spend time with my best friend, Detective Olivia Benson. This is where I first met Rafael Barba.


	2. Initial Encounters

After a hard day at work, my favorite thing to do it hang out and unwind with my best friend. A good meal and a glass of wine can do wonders after a long gruesome shift in the ER.

As I walked into the precinct on a late August evening, after taking just a couple of steps through the door, I knew there was no way we were keeping the dinner reservation I’d made earlier that week. The squad room was eerily quiet and devoid of its usual bustle. I dropped into the chair at Liv’s desk (back before she was sarge or lieu) and glanced over at the desk I’d once occupied.

So there I was lost in a nostalgic reverie and in walked a cocky Cuban man wearing a sharp suit and snappy suspenders. I was woken from my trance by a series of exasperated huffs and puffs being emitted from a man dressed much to dapper to a detective.

_Must be a defense attorney,_ I thought to myself.  _I wonder which one of these wretched criminals is his._

“Is there anything I can help you with Mr. ….?”

“I need Detectives Benson and Amaro.”

“I’m afraid they aren’t here at the moment and I’m not sure when they will be back.”

He sat down in the chair opposite mine and huffed “I’ll wait.”

_Wow. I’d love to see Alex wiping the floor with this guy in court. What a tool! Which is a pity, he doesn’t look half bad,_ I thought as I got up to grab a cup of tea.

“Could you get me a cup of coffee please?”

I turned around, mug in hand, to see Rafael Barba sitting with his back turned, feet up on Nick’s desk, typing furiously on his phone. _Oh the balls on this guy!_

“What do I look like, your secretary?”

“Isn’t that your job?”

“Actually no, it’s not.”

This shut him up for 5 seconds. “Then why were you offering to help me?”

“Out of the goodness of my heart. But I’m definitely starting to regret that decision.”

“So what exactly do you do here?”

“I don’t actually work here.”

“So who on earth are you and what are you doing here?”

It was my turn to smirk. I stood there slowly mixing my cup of tea and took a sip before answering. “I’m a friend of Detective Benson, I’m here to see her.”

“That doesn’t explain why you walk around like you own the place.”

“I could say the same about you really.” 

_Ha, that got a rise out of one of his eyebrows!_

“I’m an ADA, it’s my job. You seem to know your way around very well. Do you spend a lot of time here?”

“Actually I used to work here.”

“Before you moved on to bigger and better things?”

“Something like that.”

“So whose secretary are you now?”

“Well you’re a bit of an asshole, aren’t you?”

“Not the first time I’ve heard that. But you didn’t answer my question.”

“I work at Mount Sinai Hospital. I’m a doctor.”

_Well that got a reaction from both his eyebrows!_

“Well then you can definitely help me,” pulled out some reports from the file he tossed earlier. “What does this mean?”


	3. Introductions

I don’t think we exchanged introductions that night. A few days later, I got a call at work. It was Rafael. Although I didn’t know that at the time.

I glanced down at my phone, curious about the strange number flashing across the screen. “Hello?”

“Hi, is this Priti Halliwell?”

“Yes, who is this please?”

“It’s Rafael Barba.”

I wracked my brains. _Do I even know a Rafael Barba, why is he using my name in such an intimate manner? His voice sounds familiar…_

“I’m sorry, I…”

“Let me refresh your memory, I’m the asshole lawyer you taught the difference between normal DNA and mitochondrial DNA.”

I felt myself blushing from embarrassment at my own impudence.

“Oh, well it’s nice to put a name to a face. And I apologize for my rudeness. I meant no offense.”

I heard him scoff. “Yes you did.”

I think my face was the color of a tomato by this stage and I was thanking my lucky stars that he couldn’t see my face. “Well, maybe a little. I hope you can forgive me?”

“I have a suggestion as to how you could make it up to me.”

“Oh? I’m listening.”

“Captain Harris called me in on the case the detectives were working on that night. Apparently a surgeon called Dr. Charles has been raping women and keeping their organs as trophies. And, well, I was wondering if you could help me understand some of the anatomy involved.”

“Mr. Barba, are you saying that you want me to help you understand a woman’s anatomy?”

There was a slight pause before he answered, “I’m pretty familiar with a woman’s anatomy Dr. Halliwell. I was hoping you would help me to better understand some of the surgical techniques Dr. Charles used.”

_I know exactly how to help you to understand anatomy Mr. Barba._

“It would be my pleasure.”

“Great, come to my office when you’ve finished work, I’ll text you the address.” With that he hung up.

I stood in the middle of the corridor slightly perplexed, still staring at my phone. A messaged popped up on the screen from Olivia.

It read: Priti, just to let you know, the new ADA Rafael Barba wants your medical expertise! I gave him your number. You can thank me later.

I rolled my eyes at the phone. _A little late for the warning Liv!_


	4. Please and Thank You

In the weeks following, I spent several evenings, at Rafael’s behest, at number 1 Hogan Place helping him understand medical testimony. I’d like to think I even helped him to win a few cases.

After spending one particularly exasperating evening explaining the different possible complications of cocaine use, Rafael invited me to be present in the court gallery, for what I’d like to think was for moral support.

“How do you remember all these complications?”

“How do you remember all the possible reasons for objecting to a question asked at trial?”

“Why don’t you come down tomorrow and see how good your teaching methods are.”

“So you want me to come and see how good a student you are?”

“Please?”

 

* * *

 

The verdict came back guilty. 

 

* * *

 

Later that evening I got a call from Rafael to say thank you, possibly for the first time since we’d met. I’m ashamed to say, that this was something I proceeded to point out to him.

He responded, “so the words aren’t good enough for you?”

“Not when they are said so grudgingly.”

“Fine, how about dinner?”

“Why counselor, are you asking me out on a date?”

_Silence_

“Yes doctor, I am.”

“In that case, yes counselor, dinner sounds lovely.”


	5. First Date

He was late! I wanted to be upset, but how could I be? I almost didn’t make it myself. I’d spent the whole day with a young girl who’d been in a car accident, both her parents had suffered severe injuries and the girl had gotten hysterical every time I’d tried to leave her. Luckily her mom had woken up from surgery and I’d been able to rush home to shower and get dressed.

I could be cool and say I’d been pretty nonchalant, but I’d be lying. I was a wreck. I’d not been on a date in… let’s just say it’d been a while! I had no idea where we’d be going, so when in doubt, I put on my favorite little black dress. Don’t roll your eyes at me, I know its a cliché! I loved this thing, still do in fact; cinched waist, slightly flared skirt just down to my knees and crocheted back. I donned a red cardigan and red suede laced stilettos to match.

When he finally turned up, it was a sight worth waiting for. Why is it that men who look good in suits look significantly better looking when they aren’t in them? When Raf turned up, black blazer, dark jeans, white shirt with his top button undone, I don’t think I’d have said no to anything he suggested.


	6. La Lanterna di Vittorio

To be quite honest I don’t remember the exact details of what happened for most of the evening. We went to La Lanterna di Vittorio. For anyone who hasn’t been there, the place has a beautiful lantern-lit indoor garden & live jazz! Once we got there, we talked; of shoes and ships and sealing-wax, of cabbages and kings. It might possibly have been the only time he has gone a whole evening without making a sarcastic comment.

At the end of the night, we took a cab and Rafael walked me back to my apartment door. 

“I had an amazing time tonight.”

“So did I.”

I looked up into his eyes, for the first time I noticed the dark flecks dancing across a sea of ever changing emerald green, I felt like I was falling into an ocean of peridot. “Maybe next time this doesn’t have to be a thank you dinner.”

Rafael smiled down at me. I’m glad I wore my heels, it definitely brought me closer to his eye level, but I still fell short. Just high enough for me to look at his mouth as one corner of his mouth tilted upwards, lips parting into the most relaxed smile I’d seen from him up to that point. “Well I have your number.”

“And you most certainly know how to use it!”

Sweet laughter bubbled from his lips. Rafael then bent down and planted a soft kiss on my cheek, stubble brushing against my face as he pulled away. I felt my face burning. He took my hand, which gave me the courage to look back at his face.

“I’ll see you soon.”

“Good night.” I called after him as he walked down the corridor.

 


	7. Central Park or Central Perk

“I thought you said let’s meet in Central Park, not Central Perk,” I quipped as Rafael handed me a steaming cup.

“Drink your tea,” Rafael rolled his eyes as I took a peek under the lid.

It was a crisp October morning. It had been almost two weeks since our dinner, but this Saturday morning was the first time that we had both been free from work.

We sat side by side on a park bench in comfortable silence for a while. I enjoyed the warm liquid trickling down my throat. A strong gust of wind wafted the citrus, spice and earthy scent of his cologne into my nostrils. I glanced to my left where Rafael sat, he clutched his large coffee looking as though it was the only thing keeping him upright.

“Tough case?” I questioned tentatively.

He sighed and smiled sadly, “Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t want to ruin this by talking about work.”

“Look Rafael, I worked with Olivia and the others for a long time. My job may not have been very important but I saw a lot of heart breaking things. The depravity is almost impossible to even try to understand. I want you to know that you can talk about anything with me.”

Rafael put down his coffee cup, took my hand in his and smiled tersely. He looked down at the ground for a minute before speaking.

“A 16 year old girl took her 14 year old sister to a frat party and the younger sister was kidnapped. She was a smart kid, took a video of her own abduction and sent it to her sister before her phone went dead. Turns out the guy who grabbed her was hosting a child porn site which live streamed and took requests from other perverts. This guy had been doing it for years. Emily, was the sixth girl he had taken. The squad got her back to her family and arrested the guy. I know I can get some justice for Emily, but what about those other five girls? Who speaks for them?”

Rafael ended with a sigh. I shuffled closer to him and placed my hand on his forearm.

“You have a difficult job. You see things you wish you hadn’t. Witness things you’ll wish you could change. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. But all it takes for the triumph of evil is for a good man to do nothing. You’re a good man Rafael, despite what I may have called you when we first met.”

I smiled bashfully. Rafael smiled back and leaned towards me. I closed my eyes and felt his lips brush mine gently. I felt his hand on my cheek and I leaned in further to accept his soft kisses, each with its own flicker of warmth leaving a lingering taste of coffee on my lips.

When Rafael pulled away, he was smiling again, looking more relaxed and less troubled.

“This is not what I was expecting from a second date.”

“Gotta keep you on your toes, counselor.”


	8. Netflix and Chill

I stood outside Rafael’s apartment, hands full with shopping bags crammed with vegetables and wine. Rafael had invited me over for dinner and a movie. We’d been out for dinner several times now and at the last restaurant Rafael had been a little less than impressed with the cooking. I had laughed and asked if he could do better. Apparently he took that as a challenge!

An hour and half a bottle of wine later, I’m sat on the floor picking through Rafael’s movie collection laughing helplessly as I tease him for having a copy of The Notebook.

“Are there any other hidden gems in here? I really didn’t picture you as a chick flick kind of guy!”

“Why don’t you come over here and do something useful?” he said, face flushed from embarrassment and having consumed a little too much wine on an empty stomach.

“You don’t look like you need too much help in this department.” I grabbed by empty glass of wine and sauntered back into the kitchen area. “How can I help Mr. Barba?” I ran my palm across his shoulders and down his arm.

“Maybe you could show me how to correctly slice this onion. Seeing as you took such objection to the way it was done last night. “

_I’m going to neglect to inform him about the part where I know exactly how to do this._

Rafael smiled, “it would be my pleasure.”

He put his right hand over mine and his other hand on my hip, angling my body in a specific direction. His body was pressed close to mine and I felt his breath in my ear. Silently, we carved the onion while the scent of aromatic spices filled the kitchen.

_Oh I think the pleasure is all mine._

Rafael’s touch against my bare skin made it tingle. He moved his fingers from my hand and ran them gently across my forearm. I felt a few fingers of his other hand slip into the gap between my jeans and top.

_I can’t believe how soft his hands are._

Rafael spoke but his words seemed distant. “That’s right, just like that,” he whispered seductively into my ear.

I leaned backwards into Rafael and felt the growing bulge in his jeans. I felt him press his face against my loose hair and heard him take a deep breath. I turned my head to the side and before I knew it, I could feel Rafael press his lips on mine hungrily and his hands devouring every part of my body.

_I can’t believe I’ve forgotten how good this feels._

I dropped the knife, the onion lay forgotten. I ran my fingers through his hair and tickled his ear with my tongue. He pulled off my sweater, his warm soft hands glided across my back, worked to the back of my bra and his long, nimble fingers made short work of the hooks.

_Smooth Rafael!_

His hands trailed down my abdomen, unbuttoned my jeans and slid a single finger under my pants and caressed my clit. Every part of me trembled under his touch and I fumbled with the buttons of his shirt with shaking hands.

_Oh God, I’ve definitely missed this._

We found ourselves on Raf’s couch, I’m not entirely sure how we’d gotten there, but we’d left a trail of clothes in our wake. I sat in the middle and pulled down his boxer briefs and his erection sprung free, precum already seeping from the tip. A few swift strokes brought him to full height. Rafael looked down at me full of desire, but also hesitation.

I took his hand and pulled him down to sit beside me. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me gently.

“Is everything okay?” I asked tentatively.

“I…forgot to buy protection.”

“That’s okay, I’ve got it covered. I don’t need to worry about anything else, do I?”

“I should think not!” Rafael said, mocking outrage.

I laughed, so did he. Slowly he guided me down into a lying position, placing himself between my legs. He penetrated me, slowly at first; then each push became deeper and more desperate, until we were moving together in an opposing rocking motion, moans escaping with every clash of our hips.

Rafael breathed my name into my lips with each push until I felt myself clenching around his hard shaft. One last thrust and I came hard, screaming his name, orgasm pulsing through me in waves.

As I relaxed onto the couch, Rafael rolled over beside me, panting. I could feel is heart pounding along side mine.

“This is definitely better than The Notebook.”

I laughed. “Marginally.”

_Wait for it._

Rafael rolled his eyes.

_There it is._

I continued to giggle until the sharp sound of Rafael’s fire alarm pierced the room making us both jump up towards the kitchen. I shut off the oven, Rafael opened the windows, with effortless coordination we ventilated the kitchen until the shrieking alarm lapsed into silence.

We stared at each other, both standing naked in his kitchen; Rafael holding a tea towel and me clutching oven gloves.

“Well I did have my doubts about you making a better meal.” I said, struggling to keep a straight face.

Rafael just threw his tea towel at me.


	9. Spirited Away

“This isn’t even a new film! Why are you so excited? What is it actually about?”

“It’s called _Spirited Away_. It’s about a ten-year-old girl, Chihiro, who, while moving to a new neighborhood, enters the spirit world.”

Rafael looked down and his eyelids dropped slightly.

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, Rafael Barba!”

“Sorry, I’ll try and keep an open mind.”

_Well I guess he is here and trying. And he has the decency to look ashamed._

“Oh come on, you’ll love it!”

“ **So** , after her parents are transformed into pigs by a witch, Chihiro, with the help of her new friend, Haku, who just happens to be a dragon, takes a job working in the witch’s bathhouse to find a way to free herself and her parents and return to the human world.”

“Well, it sounds interesting to say the least.”

_And ridiculous, come on say it._

“Possibly a little ridiculous,” he muttered under his breath.

I shook my head as we entered the movie house and joined the queue for ticket purchases. “Do you complain about everything?”

“It’s called having standards.”

“It’s called being stubborn.”

Rafael smirked, “Two please,” he said to the ticket agent before turning back to me. “It’s not the first time a woman has called me that.“

“Oh, so this happens _often_?”

“Not as often as you’re insinuating.” He took the tickets being handed to him.

“But more than you’d care to admit.”

He turned and offered me his arm. I slipped my hand in the crook of his elbow and we walked to our seats. We settled in and as the lights dropped, Rafael put his arm around my shoulders and I smiled rested my head on his shoulder as the movie started.

 

* * *

 

“Well that wasn’t quite what I expected. I guess it was quite charming in it’s own way.”

It was my turn to roll my eyes.

“Is that your way of saying you enjoyed it?”

“It’s my way of saying that next time I’ll trust your choices.”


	10. Skates and scratches

It had been a while since I’d last donned a pair of skates. The last time had been on my 21st birthday. For some reason, my sisters had decided it would be an excellent way to celebrate my foray into adulthood. Now ten years later and I found myself outside the Rockefeller Center on a snowy December afternoon wrapped in numerous layers of clothing with skates on my feet.

It was the middle of the week and the Rockefeller Rink was practically deserted. It didn’t help that it had just stated to snow again. Not that I minded, snow hand always given me a sense of calm and a sprinkling of magic to a city. Something that I’d experienced as a rarity growing up in San Francisco. The small falling flakes added to the romance of the afternoon. Rafael had booked a slot for us a few weeks previously, well no, Carmen has booked the slot, much to Raf’s chagrin. I’m pretty sure he has never again left her to her own creative devices since.

    

So, I’m stood in front of him, as he struggles to pull on a pair of pearly white ice skates, fumbling on the laces because of the thick gloves on his hands. This done, he tried to stand, finally achieving a tentative balance with his feet wide apart. Rafael looked at me expectantly, his hair sprinkled with snowflakes and nose red from the cold. I held out my hands and led him, wobbling wildly, to the edge of the ice.

“Now what?” Rafael looked at the ice distrustfully.

“We skate?” I smiled, shrugged my shoulders and stepped onto the ice. I skated in a small circle and came to a stop in front of Raf.

“How exactly do we skate?”

“Well first you have to actually get on the ice.”

“Oh yes very clever.”

“Come on, just one step.”

Rafael stepped onto the rink, wobbling more than ever.

“Now just stand still and look at me. Hold your arms out, it will help you balance yourself. Try not to stiffen your body. It actually makes skating harder. Keep your body loose and relaxed and you will find it much easier to glide along.

“Right, now bend your knees slightly and lean forward, not back. Your knees should be bent enough so that you can’t see your toes and your shoulders should be forward and above your knees.”

“I look like an idiot.”

“No you don’t, stop being such a baby. Everyone here is having a go.”

“Fine, my knees are bent, my arms are out and my shoulders are forwards. Now what?”

“Now you lean on your right foot you and turn your left foot outward in a ‘V’ and press against the ice, while moving your weight over your standing leg as you glide forward.”

I skated round to his side and held one hand as Rafael attempted this.

“Try not to straighten up completely on your right leg. Bring your left leg back under you, next to your right leg. Bend your knees again, lean your weight onto the other leg, and to the same thing with the opposite side. No not like that, like this.”

I deposited Rafael’s hand on a side rail and attempted to demonstrate the movements.

“Okay, now it’s your turn,” as I spun back round to face him.

Rafael mimicked my movements, grasping my hand and the rail as he moved forwards slowly. He quickly gained more confidence and started skating independently.

I coaxed him away from the edge of the rink and we were able to make a couple of laps hand in hand. Rafael’s face glowed and he laughed without restraint. It was nice to see him relaxed and happy.

We came to a stop just beneath the Christmas tree. Rafael pulled me around to face him and kissed me. As we broke apart, Rafael straighten up, he lost his balance and fell backwards. We were still holding hands, but his momentum and weight made it impossible for me to steady him or myself.

Rafael found himself on the icy floor with me lying on top of him.

“Oh my gosh, Rafael, are you alright?”

He laughed and groaned immediately after. “I might be a bit better if you weren’t lying on top of me.”

I yelped and rolled off him, apologizing profusely. “Can you get up?”

He sat up, groaning loudly. “I think I need a doctor, do you know where I can find a good one?”

“I think the fall broke your sense of humor. Come on, up you get.”

I pulled him up to a standing position and we hobbled across to the exit. Rafael sat down on the bench with a grimace.

“I knew this was a bad idea.”

I sighed. What a pity it had to end like this.

I pulled off my skates and crouched down on the ground in front of Rafael and gently removed his skates.

“Come along, let’s get you home.” I pulled out my phone and called an über.

 

* * *

 

I heard the flush in the bathroom and accosted Rafael on his way back to the bedroom.

“So when you were wiping you could feel everything down there, right?”

“What? Why is that important?”

“Trust me, I’m a doctor.” I paused. “Well do you? I can check if you need me to.”

“No need, it’s fine! Why is that important anyway?”

“Just making sure you haven’t damaged your spinal cord. I think you’re good.”

“Oh well that’s good to know.” Rafael snarked as he climbed back onto bed. He laid down on his side, closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

I sat on the edge bed beside him, his faced looked so peaceful, a rare sight.

“I hope you’re not going to watch me sleep like a crazy psycho killer.” Rafael said after a minute of silence. He opened one eye and peered up at me.

I laughed. “I brought you some pain killers.”

“Thanks.” Rafael sat up and took them gratefully. He scooted over to the other side of the bed. “You don’t have to watch me, but you could watch the TV though.”

I laid down beside him, surfed the channels and finally settled on Miss Congeniality. As I watched the movie, I heard a gentle snoring coming from beside me.


	11. Amaryllises and Allergies

It had been a while since I’d had a date for Valentine’s Day. Normally I’d be the first to scoff about the gross commercialization of Valentine’s and I would have expected the same from Rafael, so when he suggested a date, I’m not going to lie, I was surprisingly excited. Okay, so it wasn’t exactly February 14th, but I was on a night shift on the actual day and we decided to ‘celebrate’ the next day. Rafael wanted to try a new restaurant and said that he would pick me up at 7. 

I’m embarrassed to say that I’d gone out and bought a new dress for the occasion. I’d found a crimson, formfitting, sleeveless dress with a v-neckline and a slit to the right side which extended up to my mid-thigh. I’d just finished admiring myself in the mirror when I heard a knock at the door.

Rafael stood at the door, in his hands were a large bouquet of red peacock amaryllises. His eyes widened and he stared for a couple of seconds.

“You look stunning. These are for you.”

I don’t receive flowers often and it’s the first time he has bought me any since we started dating. He held them out to me; I grabbed them and buried my nose in the floral arrangement.

I laid the flowers down on the table by the door and turned my attention back to Rafael. It was only then that I noticed that he didn’t look particularly happy. His eyes were red and watery and he was sniffing. I went over to him and took his face in my hands, worried that he might be unwell. His face felt warm but not feverish. It was then that he let out an explosive sneeze. He pulled away before sneezing another five times in quick succession. Now that they had started, they didn’t seem to be stopping.

He tried to explain between sneezes, “I have abergies.”

“I see that. Come and sit down.”

“I’m reaby sorry about this.”

“Don’t worry.”

I rubbed his shoulder and led him over to the couch. That was when I noticed that there were pollen stains on his jacket. As he sneezed again, I grabbed his hands to stop him covering his face and exposing himself to more pollen. His face was already blotchy and swollen.

_I know he isn’t very comfortable right now, but he does look all kinds of adorable. Poor thing._

I grabbed him a tissue. “Use this. And take off your jacket.”

“I’m sorry, we’be missed our dinner reservations now,” he glanced at the clock.

“That’s okay, it doesn’t matter.”

“This was subposed to be perbect.”

“It is … I’m with you.”

This got me a smile, right before another sneeze.

“Come on,” I pulled Rafael to his feet. “We need to wash your hands and get you some antihistamines.”

We went to the kitchen sink, where he let me wash his hands and face before popping a couple of antihistamine pills into his mouth.

Ten minutes later and there had been little improvement and Raf was looking rather dejected.

“Those clothes, they’ll just have to go.”

“Excube me?”

“Doctor’s orders have to be followed. Take them off.”

“Priti, I … I’m not really up for this right now.” He looked embarrassed. 

“Rafael,“ I said gently, “your clothes are covered in pollen from the amaryllises. I think that you’ll feel better when we remove the allergens.”

“Oh.” I didn’t think his face could get any redder at this point.

He removed his jacket and shirt and I placed them as neatly as possible and as far away from Rafael as I could get. I walked back to the couch to see Raf had sunk into the cushions with a look of relief on his face. I sat down beside him, rather awkwardly, as my dress had ridden up, completely exposing my thighs. Rafael smiled and put his hand on my leg.

“I thought you weren’t up for anything.”

“I think I’m going to have to follow the doctor’s orders,” he said provocatively.

“Why don’t you come in here and I’ll give you your Valentine’s gift.” I smiled and led him to my bedroom.


	12. Dancing in the Moonlight

I’d sat in front of my computer on YouTube for almost an hour every night since Rafael had suggested it. I can’t dance; I don’t know what I’d been thinking agreeing to his suggestion. But for some reason, I didn’t have the heart to cancel on him. I think it’s because he had sounded genuinely excited, I didn’t want to let him down.

Let me explain. I’m an awkward person, by nature. Despite one of my older sisters owning a night club where we often hung out, I never felt truly comfortable dancing. So the possibility of making a fool of myself, particularly in front of Rafael seemed like a daunting prospect. It’s not that I didn’t think I had Rafi’s respect, but reality check, no one wants their pride insulted.

On the night, I dressed as instructed. Salsa; those had been his instructions. Specific, I know! I’d decided to wear a fitted black top and a flowing red skirt which I rarely wore, but seemed appropriate for the occasion. I hopped into the cab with Rafael. I questioned him for more details about the evening, but received little information.

“Just wait and see.”

The cab stopped outside what looked like an ordinary apartment building. Rafael smiled and took my hand and led me into the building’s elevator.

“Rafi, where are we?” I asked, bursting with curiosity.

“I told you, we’re going dancing.”

“In an apartment building?”

“No.”

I sighed and shook my head. We exited the lift at the top floor and climbed a short flight to the roof of the building. Up until now Rafael had led the way, now he opened the door and stood back. I walked out onto the roof to find a small space with fairy lights draped across the walls. There were lit candles scattered across the floor and roof ledge. In one corner, I saw an afghan blanket spread across the floor with cushions stacked in a pile.

I walked into the center of the space and twirled around laughing. I watched Rafael hit play on a small sound system and “Cuera Maraca y Bongo” by Los Nemus Del Pacific filled the air. He walked over to me and asked if I was ready for my private Salsa lesson.

“You have to start in a closed dance position. I take your right hand in my left and place my right hand on your left shoulder blade.”  Rafael explained while guiding my hands with his. “You should keep your left hand on my right shoulder, with your arm over mine.”

“Posture is important. When dancing, you should always keep your spine straight, your chin up and your shoulders back. Your chest should naturally then puff out a bit.“ He added smirking. “Always look up or into your partner’s eyes. Looking at your feet is a dead giveaway that you’re nervous and not sure what you’re doing.”

“Which sounds pretty accurate right now.”

Rafael laughed and continued. “Move your hips. Most of the movement in the Salsa comes from the hips, so you will want to keep your hips loose. Don’t be afraid to sway your hips. Even if you’re just moving your foot, know that a slight hip movement goes along with it. Basically there are 8 beats which you move to. Start with both of your feet together.”

We went through each movement side by side. Rafael helping me with my feet placement. “Move when the leader tells you to.”

“Do as I say and not as I do?”

“Thanks Mom!” Rafael’s voice dripped with sarcasm.

We laughed and danced, and I use that term loosely. After an hour, we were exhausted. We sat down on the cushions, Rafael pulled out a picnic basket and popped a blanket over my shoulders. We spent the rest of the evening feasting on the gourmet food that Rafael had stuffed into the basket. 


	13. Memories: Old and New

“Could you just grab me that hair tie on the bedside table?”

Rafael ambled back into the living room with more than just my hair tie.

“What is this?” He pushed an old photograph under my nose.

I looked at the photograph and felt paralyzed. My mind raced as I tried to find an answer to his question.

_Where did he find the photograph? How do I explain it? Why on earth did he pick that up? It was under the bed! Why was he snooping under my bed? What gives him the right to poke his nose where it’s not wanted._

I had worked myself up into a rage, unable to think of any explanation for the photo except the truth. A truth which I was in no mood to discuss. I felt I’d been backed into a corner unexpectedly and like a scared animal I lashed out.

I snatched the photograph away from Rafael and screamed at him. “How dare you go through my things! You had no right to do that. How am I supposed to trust someone who has no respect for my things or my privacy?”

I was near tears and I knew it. I had overreacted and I didn’t care. I did the only thing that I could next; I ran, into my room and slammed the door. As I fled, I saw the look of utter bewilderment and hurt on his face. 

I flung myself onto my bed and took several deep breaths to calm my anger and fight back tears. I looked down at the photo. It was a photo from my 21st birthday, the ice skating party my sisters had thrown for me. The photo was of the five of us, myself and my four older sisters. They weren’t really my sisters, but my cousins. But I had grown up with them under the care of our dear departed grandmother. They were my closest family, or had been, until they had died in a horrible accident two years previously. I still struggled with the loss, the guilt of having been so far away from them for so long. I didn’t like to talk about them much but when I did, it was usually with Olivia. Having Rafael find this picture made me feel suddenly vulnerable and exposed.

_Come on, be sensible, it’s not his fault, it’s not like I ever mentioned anything about them to Raf. He probably found the picture by accident and was curious. I know I would be. God, I’m such a bitch. He probably hates me … he has probably already left._

Just then, I heard a soft knock on the door and a quiet voice. “Priti? Can I come in please?”

A feeling of great relief washed over me, he hadn’t left. I stood up, leaving the photograph upside down on the bed and went to the door. I looked up at his face nervously. Before I could apologize, Rafael was already speaking rapidly.

“Priti, lo siento, I am so sorry, I really didn’t mean to intrude. I shouldn’t have picked up the picture, I should have just left it where it was. It’s just I dropped the hair tie and it fell under the bed and when I went to pick it up, the picture was just there. I thought you might have dropped it by accident. I shouldn’t have looked at it. I’m really sorry.”

“You haven’t got anything to apologize for Rafael. I’m the one that overreacted. It was stupid. I should be the one apologizing to you. I’m sorry for freaking out. Can we just forget about it? Just go back to watching the movie and pretend that nothing happened.”

“Sure, if that’s what you want.”

“It is.”

We headed back to the sofa and sat side by side. I laid my head on his chest. I felt glad to have Rafael’s comforting arm around me, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of sadness and loss. Without realizing it, tears had started streaming down my face. Now they’d started, there was no way I could stop the flood. It took a while for Raf to notice, I assume he was alerted by the damp patch which had suddenly appeared on his shirt. To his credit, he didn’t say a word, he just held me tighter to his chest.

We sat this way until the end of the movie, by which time I’d manage to calm down. I lifted my head and Rafael loosed his grip. “So much for pretending like nothing happened.”

Before I knew what was happening, I felt the whole story tumble from my lips. I told him about my sisters, the story about the photograph and finally about their tragic demise. Rafael didn’t interrupt, not once. For a man who has difficulty holding his tongue, he stayed perfectly silent. When I stopped talking, he reached out and cradled my face in his hands, his thumbs wiping away my tears. “Thank you for telling me this.”

“I should have told you before. I guess there never is a good time to tell the story of your dead family.” I let out a watery chuckle.

“You once told me that I could talk to you about anything. I want you to know that the same applies to you. You can tell me anything you feel comfortable with.” Rafael pulled me closer to his chest and whispered, “Te amo.”

“I love you too, Rafael.”


	14. Sunday Morning

It was a quiet Sunday. We were both sat on Raf’s couch; Rafael was in one corner with his legs stretched out across the center, legal pad in hand, case notes spread out across the coffee table. I was curled up in the other corner with a medical journal. It was an unusually cool April day and I’d found an old Harvard hoodie which I then proceeded to put on.

“You know, you never talk about law school.”

“I don’t?”

“So tell me your Harvard stories!”

“My Harvard stories?”

“Yeah, like the funny things you and your friends did in law school!”

“Funny things my friends and I did in law school.” Rafael repeated with mock confusion.

“Are you being purposefully dense?” I asked, as I prodded at his bare feet.

Rafael pulled his feet away and smirked, “I object to this form of persuasion. What takes you down this line of questioning anyway?”

I glanced down at the hoodie and shrugged, “I just wanted to know more about what your life was like. I was hoping to share our pasts as well as our present and future.”

“Well might I suggest a quid pro quo?” Rafael suggested, putting down his pad and pen. “You tell me a story from medical school and it will give me the chance to think of something interesting.”

“Fine! Let me tell you about my orthopedic clerkship and how my friend, Steve convinced us to plaster his legs together.”

Rafael shook his head disapprovingly. I climbed across the sofa, cuddled up to his side and laughed. “Hear me out, it gets worse. So plaster of Paris gets rock hard pretty fast. We wrapped the stuff around everything from the waist down. The attending who was teaching us was… angry would be an understatement. He was livid. Turns out his form of punishment was cruel and unusual. He told us we could go!”

“Wait, how exactly is that a punishment?”

“He kicked us out, cast and all. He said we should come back at the end of the day when we were ready to behave more professionally. So there we were, Steve looking like someone had cast a leg-locking curse on him. Which may have not been a problem, except that we had plastered him up real good, crotch and all.”

“Oh well I could see how that could be a problem.”

“We went the rest of the day making a hole so Steve could pee!”

Rafael laughed. “Well, I can’t promise my story will be equally as entertaining.”

I turned to face Raf, crossing my legs on the sofa. “Okay, hit me!”

“So we had a lot of mock trials, for practice, we’d get to play all the different parts, prosecution, defense, judge, jury. I remember before one of the trials, we’d been out drinking.”

“Sounds like a recipe for disaster! I hope you didn’t throw up in front of the court!”

“No, that would have been less embarrassing.”

“Please don’t tell me you had another type of accident?” I laughed

“Are you going to let me tell this story?”

“Okay, okay, please continue.”

“So in that trial, I argued my case perfectly, having not prepared at all, I felt rather proud of myself. Well I did until I noticed half the jurors snickering way. Turns out I’d cross-examined and demolished my own witness.“ Rafael persisted through my peels of laughter. “I was supposed to be arguing for the defense not the prosecution. I did wonder why no one objected. I just thought I was that good.”

“So not much as changed then.” 


	15. Not My Yacht

I remember the first time Rafael suggested a yacht trip. I was shocked to say the least. I don’t think I actually believed him at first. He told me that some of his associate friends were planning a trip and he hoped that I could join him because they didn’t believe that he had a girlfriend.

“Wait, so you’re only inviting me to prove a point?” I asked teasingly.

“Cariño, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“It’s okay Rafi,” I interrupted, “I’m just kidding. So, these friends of yours, they are, what, fellow Harvard graduates? Or work colleagues?”

“Friends from Harvard.”

“Oh, so they will be able to tell me what you were like in college! What you were really not _your_ version of the story.”

“Well if you put it like that, I may have to reconsider the whole invitation.”

He received a well-deserved punch on the arm.

“So you have been friends for a long time.”

“We have, I learnt a lot from them. Maybe not about the law but about people’s behavior. They made me realize that how you look and dress has an impact on people. I didn’t have a lot when I started at Harvard. I actually started tending bar and waiting on these people. I wouldn’t really call it my proudest memory. I came from a neighborhood where I hung with a lot of … tough people. I was used to dealing with things by mouthing off and not backing down. My father used to say I had a smart mouth and that it would get me into trouble one day. These people were different. They said one thing but meant another. They fascinated and confused me but I wanted to be a part of their world.”

“And you thought dressing like that would get you in with the crowd?”

“It did. I’m not like you, Priti, I don’t make friends easily. I mean I distinctly remember you calling me an asshole when we first met.”

I cringed at the memory. “Not my finest moment, I must admit. I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes you did. Which is okay,” he continued quickly, seeing the look of guilt on my face. “In fact it’s a good thing. At least I know you know who I am and like me in spite of it.”

“Love you in spite of it.” I whispered.

“It turns out that my two worlds weren’t so different as I thought. The good thing about them is that once you’re in, you’re in. To their credit, they treated me as part of the family.”

* * *

 

On the day of the trip, I turned up at the docks. It was a gorgeous day and I turned up in a brightly-colored, flowing, sleeveless top, shorts and sunglasses.

Everything about the day went perfectly. The sea breeze was light and the rocking of the boat was incredibly soothing. I stood at the bow of the yacht and leaned over the railing, the wind whipping through my hair was thrilling.

“Barba, your girlfriend looks like she is going to puke.” I heard one of Rafael’s friends in the distance.

After a couple of seconds, I heard Rafael’s rapid footsteps come up behind me. He put one hand on my back and used the other to move my hair away from my face.

“Priti, cariño, are you alright?” The look of concern on his face made my heart melt.

I straightened up and smiled at him broadly. I flung my arms around his neck, raised myself up on my toes and leaned in for a kiss. “I’m having the time of my life!”

“Good. Just don’t expect any Titanic type antics here.”

“I’m surprised to hear you admit to having watched that movie.”

“And that secret will go down with this ship.”


	16. Waiting

I looked down at my ringing phone. Rafael’s face flashed up at me. I chuckled at photograph, Rafael hadn’t noticed and I’d caught him while he laughing. 

“Hey Rafi!”

“Priti.” His voice was low, serious.

I immediately knew there was something wrong, but I was scared to ask.

“What happened? Rafael, are you alright?” I whispered.

“Can you come over to SVU?”

“Liv? Is Olivia okay?” I was panicking, I felt my heart race.

“Priti, I don’t know … I’m trying to get answers, I just need you come over here as soon as you can.” His voice was steady but I could sense the fear. “Oh and Priti?”

“Yeah?”

“Drive carefully please.”

* * *

I paced around the Captain’s office. The squad room was empty, everyone was out looking for Olivia, Rafael had explained. Apparently a psychopathic rapist had kidnapped my best friend.

“It’s been two days! She’s been gone for two days!” I yelled, slightly hysterically. “I’ve seen what happens to …” I couldn’t use the word victim, not for Olivia. Rafael stood up, came over and grabbed my shoulders. He looked like he wanted to say something but instead pulled me into a tight embrace.

“I should have called her.” My voice came out muffled as I spoke into his chest. “We would have known sooner, could’ve done _something_ , been there sooner!”

“Priti, this isn’t on you.” He dragged me over to the couch, we sat down and he took my hands in his. “If anyone is responsible, it’s me.”

“What?”

“I failed.” He looked down and continued talking to his hands. “It was my job to put that bastard in jail. I couldn’t do that one simple thing and now Liv is going to pay the price.”

“Rafi,” I whispered, “this is definitely not your fault. You did everything you could.”

I could tell he wasn’t convinced. 

* * *

 

I’m not sure how long we sat together in silence. I don’t think we moved for hours, we stayed sided by side, drawing comfort and support from each other’s touch.

Finally, Captain Cragen called, they’d found her. She was alive and physically she was okay, that’s all he said. I dreaded to think what the implications of his words were. Rafael didn’t let go of my hand until we reached the hospital.


	17. Take Me Home (Part I)

 

I hadn't noticed the sun come up. It had been a long night at work and I was exhausted. It was Sunday morning and I was extremely ready to crawl into bed. Saturday night in the ER, it’s exactly what you’d expect; college kids getting their stomachs pumped, injuries from bar fights, the man who accidentally swallowed his wife’s wedding ring but didn’t want her to know, the man who thought it was a good idea to use a vacuum cleaner for things other than cleaning... I’m sure you see the pattern here.

It was almost the end of my shift and I was picking my way across the waiting room when out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a man who looked a lot like Rafael. On second glance, I realized it actually was Rafael. He was stood in a corner, his rather disgusted gaze transfixed on a young man who was hanging off his chair, bandage around his head, dried blood stains across his face, reaching for a half empty bottle of beer.

I crept up beside him. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought you might like some company on your way home.”

I smiled. “Did you miss me?”

“Hardly.” He laughed and dodged a punch, “I was sleeping! Can’t miss you when I’m dreaming about you.”

“Ugh.” I rolled my eyes, but was unable to stop a laugh escaping my lips. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

 

* * *

 

We stepped out of the hospital doors. Rafael tilted his head up to the graphite sky and peered at it apprehensively.

“Come on, we’ll make it.” I tugged at his arm and started walking.

The clouds grew darker and darker as we walked through the park back to my apartment. The sound of thunder rolled through the area as a lightning bolt split the sky. Rafael grabbed my hand and walked faster as the light ‘pitter patter’ of rain turned into wet thuds as the icy water raced to meet the ground.

Our strides lengthened as rain pelted our faces and soaked us to the skin. Before we knew it, our running feet were splashing in the sudden river on road. We tumbled through the doors of my apartment, laughing, feet sodden in shoes, hair stuck to face and head, like being fully dressed in the shower.

We clung to each other, trying to catch our breaths and regain some composure. A sudden shout of thunder made me jump closer into his arms, close enough for me to watch a droplet of rain fall from Rafael’s hair, slide down his nose and onto his lips. I reached up and kissed him on the lips.

“Thank you for walking me home.”


	18. Take Me Home (Part II)

 

I looked down at my phone; 5 missed calls from Carmen. I panicked and almost dropped my phone.

_Why is Carmen calling me repeatedly?_

My hands shook as I hit the “call back” button and waited anxiously for an answer.

“ADA Barba's office, Carmen speaking, how may I help you?”

“Carmen!”

“Oh Priti, thank God, you need to come down here right now!” Carmen sounded relieved, not worried, not that this abated my fears.

“Why? What...Is Rafael okay?”

“Right now, it’s not him I’m worried about!”

* * *

 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Have you seen him today?”

“No.”

“It would be great if you could come and take him home.”

“Carmen, do you think you could be a little bit more specific about what is going on?”

“Your boyfriend is sick and is terrorizing everyone in the office. Specific enough for you? He is yelling at the interns, he made one of them cry! The paralegals are nowhere to be seen. And if I catch whatever he has, I’m holding you personally responsible. Now be a doctor and treat your patient.” Carmen said all of this in a fierce whisper.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

* * *

 

 

I walked into 1 Hogan Place equipped with pharmaceutical supplies and a canteen of Raf’s favourite soup. Carmen shot me a dirty look as I walked up to his office. I tapped on the door and poked my head tentatively around the door.  My poor darling was sat at his desk, papers and files scattered haphazardly, with his head in his hands.

“Carmen, where the hell are those paralegals? I need those case laws. And can you get me some coffee?”

“Rafi, it’s me.”

Rafael looked up. He looked pale and haggard. His cheeks were flushed, his nose was pink and his eyes bloodshot. “What are you doing here?” His tone sharper than normal, tense.

“I brought lunch,” I smiled and held up the canteen.

I noticed his shoulders droop slightly but at least made an effort to smile, however short lived it may have been. I went over to the cough and sat down, knowing if I asked how he was feeling, he’d probably explode. I proceeded up a mug and pour out some soup when I heard a small strangled noise coming from Raf’s direction. It took me a minute to understand, but I realized that he was trying not to cough in front of me.

_Stubborn bastard, knows exactly why I’m here and is still trying to hide it. Be careful what you say, anything related to his health is not going to elicit a good reaction._

"Is anything I can help with?”

Rafael put down his pen, along with his pretenses and let out a disheartened sigh.

_Poor darling, he must feel awful._

I went over, perched at the edge of his desk and put my hand on his cheek. His face was burning against my cool palm. He practically melted against me.

_He feels a lot worse than he is letting on._

“Maybe you can take the rest of the day off?” I asked while loosening his tie and undoing his top button.

“No!” Possibly his most emphatic response since I’d arrived. “I have too much work to do.”

“Isn’t there anyone who could help?”

Raf’s look of disgust was a sufficient enough answer to that question.

“Come and have some lunch at least.” 

* * *

 

 

30 minutes, half a cup of soup and a couple of pills later, Rafael was asleep on his couch. _Officially time for me to take this decision out of his hands,_ I thought as I gazed down at my passed out boyfriend. He looked uncharacteristically unkempt, shirt untucked, head drooping to one side, mouth open and snoring quietly.

I slipped out in search of Carmen. I accosted one of the other ADAs.

“Martin!” I yelled across the corridor. “I need a favor.”

“So do I!”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, I need you to tell your boyfriend to stop being such a hard ass and bullying the interns.”

If looks could kill, I’d have been on the hook for first degree murder.

“I know exactly how to fix that problem.” I said icily. “In fact, I know exactly how you are going to fix it.” I thoroughly enjoyed the look of confusion, then concern, spread Martin’s face.

“I just dug my own grave, didn’t I?”

I smiled sweetly. “I’ll bring you the spade. Carmen will give you a call when Rafael is ready to give you the files for the cases you are going to handle for him.”

* * *

 

 

Rafael awoke with a start as I slipped down on the couch beside him.

“Ready to call it a day?”

“I can’t.” 

“You can. Just ask one of the other ADAs for some help!”

“I’m not sure that any of them are feeling in a very helpful mood at the moment.” He looked a little demoralized. “I haven’t been the ... best of colleagues.”

“Be that as it may, your amazing girlfriend ... now please don’t be mad ... but she may have enlisted some assistance from these colleagues.” I didn’t look at Raf as I said this. I scrunched up my eyes, bit my lip and imagined the death glare he would give me.

After a couple of seconds of silence, seconds which felt like an eternity, I was surprised to feel Rafael’s hand on my arm. He rested his head on my shoulder and sighed deeply and whispered, “thank you.”

I kissed his forehead. “Let’s go home.”


	19. Childhood Heroes

## “What on earth are you watching Priti?”

I hid my face in a pillow. I was sitting in bed with my laptop watching old episodes of Sailor Moon. Tuxedo mask had just intervened and stopped Jedite destroying Sailor Moon. “It’s an old favourite, something I watched when I was a kid, it’s still pretty entertaining!”

Raf sat down on the bed. “Oh?”

“Yeah, it’s about a girl, her cat and her friends. They are superheroes and save the world from the evil forces of the Dark Kingdom.”

Rafael covered his face with a pillow. “I think I regret asking.”

I took my pillow and aimed it at his middle, feeling satisfied upon hearing a indignant ‘ouf’ when the pillow hit it’s mark.

“My favourite character is Tuxedo Mask, the handsome hero. He is always there to save the day and rescue Sailor Moon. But the thing I love about him is that rather than completely taking over, he encourages her to save the day herself, he believes in her and gives her the courage to be the hero she is.”

“Sounds like a good lesson for young girls.”

“It was. Now shush, I’m wallowing in nostalgia.”


	20. Rafael, por favor

 

I sat on the edge of the bed, wrapped in just a towel, fresh from the shower. I popped open a bottle of lotion and started working on my legs. Rafael came into the room, climbed onto the bed and sat behind me. He rested his stubbly chin on my shoulder and asked, “what are you doing?”

“I’d say it was pretty self-explanatory, don’t you?”

“Mmmmmm,” he hummed into my neck.

He ran his fingers across my shoulders and up and down my arms. He moved closer, I felt his arms envelope me, knocking the lotion bottle to the floor. I felt his hands sliding slowly up my calves, over my open thighs.

He’d reduced me to a quivering mess with a few strokes of his long fingers. He started lightly tracing circles around my clit, using my wetness as a lubricant to further deepen my desire.

“Please Rafael,” I begged, “I need you. I need to feel you inside me.”

“All in good time, mi amor,” he murmured in a low voice.

“Rafael, I’m going to cum, please, I need you.”

Rafael laughed, the vibrations of his body against mine made me moan ecstatically. “You’ll cum when I say you can,” he commanded. He pushed down against my hips to stop them bucking up towards his fingers and lightened his fingerings touch. I practicably screamed in frustration.

“Rafael, por favor. Do I have to beg, counselor?”

“Why would I need you to beg? I already have you on your knees,” he breathed into my ear. “¿Estás listo?”

He twisted round and fucked me hard with his fingers. As expected, it didn’t take long for me start clenching around him as he rubbed my cervix repeatedly. I grasped at the covers as he caressed my clit with this thumb.

As I finally relaxed, he removed his fingers and sucked the tips as I lay on top of him, lost in helpless bliss. “I think I need another shower.”


	21. Confessions

 

“You’re unusually quiet today. Everything okay?” Raf asked.

“Yeah, fine.”

“Anyone ever tell you that you don’t really have a very good poker face?”

Rafael put down the spoon he was using to stir the pasta sauce on the stove. I continued to chop carrots without saying anything.

“Plus I’m very good at reading people. It’s one of my super powers, you know?” Rafael smirked.

 _Why does he always have to pry? I really don’t want to talk._

“Well I recommend you stick to using your super powers at work, Clark Kent.” I answered sarcastically.

He took the hint and dropped the subject. We had dinner in relative silence, after which I sought solace in the latest episode of _Grey’s Anatomy_. I felt his presence rather than seeing him; Rafael was hovering. I’m ashamed to say, that for the first time since we had started dating, I wished he would leave. I’m also pleasedto say, that as clear as I had I made my wishes, he didn’t. He sat down beside me.

* * *

 

_How can I tell him? I can’t tell him. I want to tell him. I need to tell him. But how?_

I laid my head on his shoulder and he pulled my legs into his lap. I hesitated and stuttered through an explanation. “A few months ago I saw this woman at work, a patient, she had a cough, sounded like an infection. I gave her antibiotics for it. She had had symptoms for 2 months, so I told her to go and get an x-ray. She didn’t. Turns out she has cancer, metastatic. She is saying that I didn’t investigate her properly, if I’d done tests straightaway that it would have been possible to do something, it would still have been curable and because of me she is going to die.”

“But you told her to get an x-ray.”

“She is saying I didn’t.” I shook my head in disbelief. “Which is ridiculous because the records clearly shows the request form I printed out for her. Not that it would have helped, she’s had this problem for a while. It wouldn’t have made a difference.” I sighed.

“But you gave her the form, you did the right thing.”

“Yeah,” I responded despondently.

“Well, then technically she can’t sue for negligence. She has no legal ground to stand on.”

“Yup. That’s what the hospital lawyers said.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Maybe I should have done something…something more. I should have made sure that she got the test rather than leaving it to her. Maybe we could have done something. Maybe.” I felt tears pricking at my eyes. “ It was my responsibility. I should have helped her.”

Rafael ran his fingers through my hair and took my face in his hands. He smiled lovingly and said “Priti, you are possibly the kindest person I have ever met. The fact that you feel bad for this woman even though she is putting you through hell is proof of that. I can’t imagine how stressful this must be for you. I want you to know that whatever happens, I’ll be here and I’ll help in any way I can.” He kissed my forehead and brushed away the tears that had escaped.

“I’m sorry for how I behaved this evening.”

“I understand. Come on, let’s go to bed.”


	22. Soulmates

 

Rafael climbed into bed after a late night at work. He had been stressed and I decided to wait up for him. He had had a lot of late nights recently and I felt that we had not spent a lot of time together. I decided to occupy myself with some reading. I had recently found a whole new universe of fiction online and was intrigued by its premise.

I was so intent on completing the story that Raf was undressed and under the covers before I had a chance to look up. He cuddled up behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist. He nuzzled his face and murmured in my ear.

“Cariño, how was your day?”

I turned to face him, he looked exhausted. I discarded my phone and let him wrap me in his arms. “Not bad.”

“What are you reading?”

“Oh just a silly story.”

“That silly story certainly has your undivided attention.”

“Well now I’m giving it to you now.”

“Ha, you can’t divert my attention that easily darling. Tell me about it.”

I looked up at the ceiling as I explained. “It’s basically about a universe where soulmates exist, you know, where two people are paired off from birth and when they finally find each other it’s pretty special. I’m just reading a collection of stories about different people’s meetings.” I felt myself turning slightly red as I spoke, thinking that Rafael would scoff and call it ridiculous.

Rafael remained silent, annoyingly so. I eventually couldn’t take the quiet, I turned to Raf, ready to defend myself as he unleashed a barrage of sarcastic comments. Instead I turned to face a very relaxed and slightly wistful looking Rafi.

He smiled and said sleepily said, “I know one of those stories.”

I have to admit, this was not the response I was expecting. “Oh?” This monosyllabic sound was all I could manage.

“Want to hear it?”

I nodded, “por favor.”

“Once, a long, long time ago, all people had four legs and two heads. And then the gods threw down thunderbolts, and split everyone into two. Each half then had two legs and one head. But the separation left both sides with a desperate yearning to be reunited. Because they each shared the same soul. And ever since then, all people spend their lives searching for the other half of their soul.” He pulled me closer to his body. “I am so thankful that I found mine.”

l wasn’t sure what I’d been expecting, but this certainly wasn’t it. I hadn’t realized that there were tears streaming down my face until I felt Rafael wiping them away. “Rafi.”

“Priti?”

“What if we hadn’t found each other?”

“I used to worry about that everyday. But we don’t have to worry about that anymore, cariño.”

“No Rafi.”

“Bueños noches, alma gemela.”


	23. Surprises

 

**Wednesday, October 23**

We’d both finished work at the same time and decided to hang out. Except we were both too tired to do anything but sit in front of the TV. I flicked through channels mindlessly, finally settling on the 9 ‘o’ clock news.

_**“With only twelve days left until New York’s mayoral election, the latest poll shows state senator Alejandro Muñoz still holding on to his lead.”  
** _

“This guy is from the same neighborhood as you.”

“We grew up together actually.”

“Really? So what do you reckon? Can Muñoz win? ”

“If anyone from my old neighborhood is going to make it big, it’s Alex.” Rafael smiled at the TV nostalgically.

“It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.”

* * *

 

**Thursday, October 24**

I was sitting in a radiology meeting, which could not be more boring, in case you were wondering. Listening to crusty old men argue over x-rays and CAT scans may have been a compulsory part of my job, but not an enjoyable one. My phone buzzed.

 **RB:** Busy?

 **PH:** In a meeting, can’t leave. You okay?

 **RB:**  Does everything have a catch?

 **PH:** What happened?

 **RB:** Remember my friends, Alex  & Eddie? Musketeers are in trouble again. My job to get them out of it.

 **PH:** What kind of trouble?

 **RB:** Woman accusing Eddie of attempted rape. Alex came to see me, asked me to help.

 **PH:** Is the accusation legit?

 **RB:** Liv going to investigate before they throw the book at him.

 **PH:** Trust Liv, she’ll fix it. Probably a misunderstanding. Try not to worry too much Raf.

 **RB:** Yeah. Thanks. Talk to you later.

 **PH:** Keep me updated!

* * *

 

**Friday, October 25**

**RB:** Amaro is such a cabrón 

**PH:** He said the same about you! Lol

Sorry! What did he do?

 **RB:** He said Alex is responsible for Eddie’s behavior.

 **PH:** What do you think?

 **RB:** He is wrong. Alex would never step out on Yelina.

 **PH:** What’s going to happen?

 **RB:** I told them to investigate. Keep up appearances.

 **PH:** Well reserve your judgement until you have all the facts.

 **RB:** It’s 10 days pre-election! Going after Alex looks like a political hit.

 **PH:** Should you be involved in this?

 **RB:**  DA wants me to keep him in the loop.

 **PH:** Sounds like the DA is screwing you over.

 **RB:** Yes well it is my job.

 **PH:** Rafi, I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle of all this.

* * *

 

**Saturday, October 26**

It was late, but I’d decided to go and see Rafael. He sounded like he was having a hard time with his friends. He answered the door with a grim look and smelled strongly of scotch. He didn’t say anything, just turned and went back to the spot on the couch he has just vacated. I closed the door and followed him.

“Rafael, qué pasó?” I was met with silence. “Por favor, digame,” I whispered, put my hand on his arm and squeezed it gently.

“I was wrong.”

“About?”

“Alex, I was wrong about Alex.” He sighed heavily, “Turns out, he is sexting girls, women who support his campaign. I can’t believe he would do that, to his family, to Yelina. She came to see me, you know.”

_Wow, that scotch has really loosened his tongue._

“ **She** doesn’t believe he could do something like this.” 

_He sounds jealous. I wonder if he had a thing for this woman._

He laughed bitterly. “She had the nerve to suggest that I was going after Alex because she broke up with me,” he continued.

_Okay, this is just peachy. I’m not sure I really want to hear about his old girlfriend. What a bitch though, dumping Raf for that douchebag. Lucky for me I guess._

“I’m going to talk to Alex tomorrow and ask him about it.”

 _Oh God, say something! Poor darling looks devastated._ “I’m so sorry, Rafael.”   _Geez, is that the best you can do?_

* * *

 

**Thursday, October 31**

I hadn’t spoken to Rafael since Saturday.  I’d messaged him a few times and had received some distant responses. I wanted to go and see him, but for some reason I felt afraid. Was he angry because he had said too much and I hadn’t stopped him? Was he still in love with Yelina?

_Why are feelings so complicated?_

I received a text from Olivia. It read “Come down the courthouse. Muñoz is on trial, Barba needs you.”

Pushing aside my insecurities, I grabbed my coat and made my way to the courthouse. When I’d got there, arraignment had already started. Not wanting to cause a disturbance, I waited outside. Finally people started to evacuate the courtroom. I waited patiently, staying vigilant, Rafael had a habit of speeding out of that place at top speed. There was no sign of him, the room seemed to have emptied completely and I’d almost given up on waiting. That was when I spotted Olivia. She didn’t say anything, just motioned towards the door of the courtroom, indicating that Rafael was still inside.

I sat down in the gallery beside Rafael.

“Thanks for coming,” he said taking my hand.

“Any time.”

“You probably think I’m awful.”

I was startled. This was not the response I was expecting. “How so?”

“I got drunk, whined about an old girlfriend, betrayed my oldest friend and didn’t call the woman I love.”

“See when you put it like that, you don’t come off so well.” I said jokingly. It got me a small smile. “You did the right thing here.”

I put my other hand on his and caressed it with my thumb.

“Then why do I feel so…”

“Guilty? Unfortunately the right thing doesn’t always feel like the right thing. What Muñoz did was solicitation. How can we trust a man like that to govern our city?”

“He is supposed to be my friend. I betrayed him.”

“He betrayed you, Rafael. He came to you with Eddie’s situation, he put you in the middle of this mess, now he is bad mouthing your integrity all over the media. He doesn’t deserve your friendship or your loyalty.”

“Before the arraignment, I was telling Liv that my Mom told me I should stick with Alex, that he would be mayor of New York one day. She would never say that about me.”

“Rafael, you do know you went to Harvard Law school on a scholarship, don’t you? That’s a pretty impressive feat. I mean, you’re no Elle Woods, but I’m sure you could give her a run for her money in the fashion department.”

I got more of a chuckle from that line.

_It’s working, I’ve got this._

“Do you think I’m a snob?”

“What? Why on earth would I think that?”

“Amaro said…”

“Nick said?” I interrupted, “really? That’s your argument? I mean, the two of you don’t exactly see eye to eye on most things.”

“He might have had a point.”

“What point is that?”

“I spend my money on expensive clothes, my apartment, holidays, when my Mami and Abuelita still live in the Bronx. Amaro said I was selling out.”

“How is that selling out?”

“I changed everything about myself to get away from that life.”

“You grew up to become a successful lawyer who fights for justice. I don’t think that means you are selling out, do you? Being who you are now, doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten who you were, it’s still a part of you.”

“You know, I much prefer your bodega psycho-analysis.”

“Cages or wings. Which do you prefer?”

Rafael smiled and whispered melodically, “ask the birds.”

“Not everyone with wings can fly Rafael, and no one soars quite like you do.”

I felt his heart thumping wildly as I leaned against his chest.

“Thank you for coming.”


	24. Joyful Hearts

 

“Olivia, I asked you to come and help me find something to wear to the gala, not hinder the process!”

“Priti, it’s perfect, Barba will love it.”

I looked over my shoulder at the dark red, laced, sleeveless and backless maxi dress I was trying on.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive,” Olivia smiled. “And yes it’s fine for the gala!”

* * *

 

 

“He really isn’t picking you up, is he?” Olivia said as I carefully climbed into her car.

“I said I’d meet him at the precinct!”

“So why am I picking you up?”

“Because you’re totally awesome and you love me?” I grinned cheekily at Liv and I got a Rafael worthy eye roll in return.

“How are things going with you two?”

“Really well actually. It’s difficult sometimes, the hours we work, what we do, it takes it’s toll, but I love being with him.”

“Good, otherwise we’d have some problems.”

“I’ll let you know if I need you to kick his ass.” We both laughed.

“Anytime.”

“So how are you doing?” I asked tentatively, knowing that William Lewis’s trial was coming up as she and Rafael had been working on her testimony.

“I shook the magic 8 ball, it says ‘ask again later’.” Olivia answered without taking her eyes off the road.

Taking the hint, I veered off the topic. “Where is Brian? How did he manage to get out of this shindig?”

“Working, nothing new. He hates these things anyway. He isn’t the type who is going to schmooze after rich folks for their money.”

“It’s a fabulous cause!”

“The Joyful Heart Foundation has most certainly helped us. We owe them a lot.”  
  
“So why did I have to wait so long to get an invitation to this thing?”

“Hey! I still haven’t invited you. You’re not my plus one!” She pulled into a parking space outside the precinct.

“Peachy!” I remarked sarcastically as I climbed out of the car.

* * *

 

 

We walked into the precinct to catch the tail end of a conversation between Rafael and Nick. Fin and Amanda were sitting off to the side watching their exchange.

“A date? Are you serious?” Nick asked incredulously.

“Yes.” Rafael sounded a little exasperated.

“Hey everyone!” I called out to the room.

I smiled at Raf and he beamed back a little bashfully. We didn’t approach each other immediately, suddenly conscious of the people surrounding us made us wary of making physical contact or displaying any signs of affection.

“Looks like everyone is here. Let’s make a move.” Captain Cragen came out of his office, he looked very dignified in his tux.

“Aren’t we waiting for Barba’s date? Or do we need to drop by your Mami’s house?” Nick asked rather pointedly.

Raf said nothing but stared at Nick rather coldly. He held out his left elbow. I knew exactly what he wanted me to do. I smiled shyly and without looking Nick in the eye, I pushed my right arm through the gap and wrapped it tightly around his. As we walkedout arm in arm, Rafael whispered, “you’re fabulous, you know that?”

I answered just as discretely, “you’d better believe it!”

Rafael and I sat next to each other, Nick and Olivia climbed in opposite us. As the minibus began to move, I noticed that Nick was still gaping at us. Rafael must have noticed too, because he not so subtly placed his hand on my knee. I tried to keep a straight face, but the animosity between the two Cuban men was a sight to behold. I could see Olivia smiling, I avoided making eye contact with her knowing that I wouldn’t be able to maintain my composure if we did look at each other.

* * *

 

 

We finally arrived at the Lincoln Center.

“So how does this work?” I asked, feeling slightly in awe of the large location.

“We go in and mingle.” Rafael sounded a little disgusted.

“Schmoozing with the bigwigs, check.”

I heard Rafael take a deep breath. “Ready?”

“Are you?” I turned the question back at him.

“As ever.”

We’d barely made it through the front door before Rafael was hailed by colleagues from the DA’s office. We walked over. Turns out small talk isn’t Raf’s forte, which is odd because at home he can talk for hours!

We made our rounds through various groups of colleagues and acquaintances, greeting old allies and forging new ones. I felt a hand tap the back of my shoulder and heard a familiar voice, “Dr Halliwell?”

“Mr Cuesta! How are you?” I recognized the man as the father of a patient I’d looked after.

“I am well very thank you. Yourself?”

“I’m good, thanks! How…” I hesitated, I wanted to ask after his son’s health but I realized that it would be a breach of doctor-patient confidentially.

“Aaron is doing really well!” Mr Cuesta offered, probably sensing my dilemma.

I beamed at him. “That’s wonderful news.”

He turned to Rafael and held out his hand rather formally. “Mr Barba,” he said in greeting. I was surprised that he knew Rafael.

“Your Honor,” Rafael nodded and shook his hand.

“Your Honor?” I repeated, my eyebrows furrowed.

“Judge Cuesta, is a superior court judge.” Raf explained.

“Wow, that’s pretty good work Mr… sorry your Honor!”

“And how exactly do the two of you know each other?” Cuesta questioned.

“Rafael is my …err.”  _How do I describe our relationship without sounding like a teenage girl?_

I leaned closer towards Rafael and he put his arm around my waist.

“Boyfriend?” Cuesta offered, eyes twinkling.

“For lack of a better word, yes!” I giggled slightly, mainly out of nerves.

“Well Mr Barba, your girlfriend is a fabulous doctor. She saved my son’s life!”

“Well, I can’t claim all the credit.”

“You could, and you should.” He turned to Raf and explained. “Aaron was admitted with pancreatitis after drinking too much. She stayed with him all night, testing his blood, giving medication. I’ll be forever grateful. You’re a lucky man, Mr Barba.”

I blushed, my cheeks turning crimson.

“I know, your Honor.” Rafael’s grip around me tightened.

“Well, Petrovsky is trying to get my attention, I shouldn’t keep her waiting too long. It was absolutely lovely seeing you again Dr Halliwell. Mr Barba, I look forward to seeing you in my courtroom.”

“Thank you, your Honor.” Rafael sounded surprised.

“Say hi to Aaron for me, Mr Cuesta.”

As the judge walked away, Rafael grabbed my elbow and started talking rapidly, more so than normal.

“Priti, that man has a reputation for being a hard ass. He throws out evidence, refuses subpoenas, he isn’t friendly to anyone. I mean I was shocked to see him here. I can’t believe he actually spoke with me cordially.  
That man doesn’t have time for anyone  
and he just said he looks forward to seeing me in his court room!” He turned to face me. “What kind of magic do you have?”

I raised my eyebrow at him and smirked a little, but before I had a chance to answer, a few of the other ADAs scurried over.

“Were you just talking to Cuesta?” They asked in awe. “How did you manage that?”

“So! Schmoozing with the bigwigs, we can actually check that off the list?”

We shook off Raf’s colleagues and made our way to the drinks table.

“Priti, when Cuesta asked about our relationship, you hesitated. Why?” He tried to sound nonchalant but wasn’t very successful.

“Rafi, I didn’t just want to blurt out that you are my boyfriend and sound like a teenager with a crush.” I looked down at my hands before I continued. “To me, this is a serious relationship. I didn’t want to sound immature in front of other professional people, people you have to work with or for. I don’t want you to be embarrassed or ashamed of me.”

Raf put his hand on my chin and tilted up head up until we were looking into each other’s eyes. “That would never happen.”

We stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity, only to be interrupted by Nick. “Hope there haven’t been too many awkward silences,” he said raising his eyebrows and his bottle of beer at us before he walked away. Rafael scowled after him.

“Come on, let’s dance!” I tugged at Rafael’s hand, because he looked like he wanted to go and punch Nick in the face. “I need to practice the new moves you taught me!”

We moved in time to the music, laughing as we swayed from side to side. Olivia and Nick appeared beside us. The alcohol and our enjoyment of the evening had dampened our inhibitions. Rafael wrapped me in his arms and kissed me gently.

From somewhere behind me I heard Liv speaking sternly. “For once Nick, could you just hold your tongue?”


	25. Justice

 

It’s not often that I would be forward enough to invite myself over, but for the last week I’d insisted on staying for the last week. Rafael had been stressed and anxious, more so than normal and I wanted to be there for support. I’ll be honest, I was feeling the same way and I didn’t want to be alone, particularly as it was Christmas week.

William Lewis’s trial was rapidly approaching and Rafael and Olivia had been spending a lot of time together preparing. Raf hadn’t said anything but I knew he felt the pressure. He felt responsible for what had happened to Liv and he wanted to make sure the scumbag was put behind bars.

On the eve after Christmas, the night before Lewis’s motion hearing, I practically had to drag him to bed.

“Rafael, you should get some rest.” I insisted when he told me that he just had one last brief to read.

“I need to know this. It’s important.”

* * *

 

I perched on the chair beside him, put my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms tightly around his waist. I whispered, “I know.”

He sighed heavily and slumped back in the chair. “Priti, why don’t you go to bed. I don’t know how long this is going to take.”

I turned around so that we were now face to face. I could see the tiredness and frustration in his eyes. “Rafi, you know how sometimes I go to work early to do my paperwork?” Rafael nodded and I continued, “the reason I do that is because I struggle to concentrate at the end of the day. I find myself reading and rereading the same sentences over and over without taking in their meaning.”

Rafael dropped his gaze to the briefs in front of him. His face looked rather sullen and I knew he had understood what I was getting at but obstinately said, “do you have a point?”

“My point is you are tired. Come to bed, you can get up early and look at this with fresh eyes.” I put my hands on his chest and he responded by looking back at me. “I promise I’ll get up at the same time and make your coffee.”

Rafael’s lips turned up slightly at the corners. “Well, for someone who doesn’t drink the stuff, you certainly know how to make good coffee.”

“Deal!” I jumped up and grabbed his hands and practically dragged him to bed.

* * *

 

 

I’d had to go back to work after Christmas. It was frustrating. I wanted to be at the court house for Olivia and Rafael but so many people had taken leave over Christmas that swapping a shift was neigh on impossible. I’d just finished inserting an arterial line and was disposing of my gown and sharp instruments when I felt my phone vibrating. I shoved my hands under a tap and scrubbed them at top speed, grabbed some paper towels and practically collided with an orderly as I rushed into the nearest supply closet. I hit ‘call back.‘ 

“What happened?” I demanded before Rafael even had the chance to say hello. “Is Olivia okay?”

“They separated the cases against Lewis.” He sounded disheartened and angry. “Linking them is too _prejudicial_ ,” he added scornfully.

“Well that’s not good.”

“Great deductive skills, Nancy Drew.” Rafael paused and took a deep breath. “Sorry.”

“Where do we go from here?”

“They offered to take a plea.”

“Rafael! That’s great. Why don’t you sound happy about that?”

“Lewis is willing to plead to multiple counts of rape and sodomy with a sentence of 25 to life.”

“ _What?_ Liv won’t accept that. Did you ask her? What did she say?”

“She said no.”

We were both silent for a few seconds.

“Why couldn’t she have just accepted the deal?” Raf demanded, as if Liv’s decision were my fault.

“Because it would be a lie.”

Rafael scoffed. “That’s always been the problem with this case though, hasn’t it?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked a little coldly.

“Priti. You’re not naive. They _will_ go after her for excessive force. For all the things she said, there is so much unsaid, the jury are going to see past that. And will Liv stick to her story? She needs to be consistent. If she deviates from her statement in _any_ way, it will create reasonable doubt about all of her testimony and Lewis _will_ use it. He could walk, again. I don’t know if Liv is emotionally ready for this trial.”

“Olivia knows how to handle herself.”

“I hope you’re right, Cariño.”

“When do we start?”

“First thing after New Years.”

“Okay, I’ll go swap some shifts. See you later.”

* * *

 

 

Rafael slammed the door as we got home and started ranting, finally letting out the frustration he has clearly been feeling all day.

"I can’t believe the judge allowed it, letting Lewis defend himself! He is just doing this to torment Liv further. And all those idiots came to support her and then they want to have dinner together? They are supposed to be testifying not making this case harder to try. And how much latitude is the judge going to allow that monster? Manipulative son of a bitch. And Olivia! She is still hiding things! I just found out that there were 2 witnesses at the beach house!” 

“I’m sure that Olivia was just trying to protect them. Don’t you believe her?”

“Priti, she is hiding things. Doesn’t it bother you that she is lying to us?”

“Raf, I don’t think she is withholding details because she wants to make things difficult.”

“No, she just…” He look several deep breaths and sat at the edge of the couch. I put my arm around his shoulders and rubbed them gently.

“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you when…”

“This isn’t about me,” he snapped abruptly, stood up and glared at me angrily. I could see that he was looking for a fight, a way to release his frustration but I knew if I let things escalate, we could both say something we’d regret.

_Don’t take the bait. Stay calm._

I replied quietly, “no, it isn’t.” Normally I wouldn’t be so easily rattled, but the stress and worry I had been feeling all day was starting to take it’s toll and I could feel tears pricking my eyes. I looked down and blinked hard, willing them away, but Raf noticed.

“Sweetheart, I’m … I didn’t mean to snap at you.” He climbed onto the sofa behind me, put his arms around me and pulled me into his lap. We sat in silence until a large rumble from Rafael’s stomach brought us back to reality.

“Maybe we should just order some take out?”

* * *

 

 

“Mr Lewis, are you ready to take the stand?” asked the judge.

“I was, your Honor, but since the prosecution has failed to make it’s case, I’m ready for closing arguments.” Lewis smirked. “At this point the defense rests.”

I had sat with Liv in the gallery and we looked at each other in utter confusion. I looked at Rafael, just from looking at his back I could see the anger and frustration in Raf’s shoulders. I gripped Olivia’s hand tight as the trial progressed through closing arguments.

I went back to Liv’s apartment after the trial, she was a wreck. I wanted to stay but Liv said she wanted to be alone. At least Brian was there. He’d helped her so much and I was glad he was back in her life. I made my way back to Raf’s office. I found him sat at his desk pretending to read. I knew there is no way he would be able to concentrate long enough to take in anything on the page.

I sat down on his couch silently and sunk into a state of senselessness. After a few minutes, Rafael came over and sat next to me. I only noticed when he took my hand. His eyes looked slightly haunted. I gave his hand a squeeze but couldn’t think of any words of comfort. Instead we sat in silence, the same when we had when Olivia had been kidnapped. I’m not sure how long we sat there or when the thought struck me, but at some point I realized how much Rafael’s presence comforted me, always strong and solid and unwavering. His sarcastic wit, which may have been anathema to some, but to me tasted like manna from heaven.

I found myself staring at his face, tracing it’s lines, wondering about the aspects of his life that had lead to their presence. I wished I could soothe away the deep furrows that graced his brow. I wondered what I’d see there in the future. It was then I realized that I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life looking at his beautifully chiselled features.

Rafael must have sensed my eyes on him, he turned and looked at home and smiled for what seemed like the first time in days. The years seemed to fall away from him. He opened his mouth, but before he had the chance to speak, his phone buzzed sharply, abruptly bringing us back to reality.

“Carmen?” Raf’s face and voice filled with anxiety once again.

“The verdict’s in.” I heard Carmen over the speaker.

“Thanks Carmen,” Raf hung up the phone and looked at me.

* * *

 

 

I felt myself glaring at the forewoman of jury. If looks could kill, I’d have been on the hook for murder. _How dare she say those things about Olivia?_ My heart was pounding and my palms sweaty as I squeezed Olivia’s hand.

“On the charge attempted murder, we find the defendant, William Lewis, not guilty.”

_Not guilty? What is wrong with these people? Why can’t they see what he is?_

“On the charge of attempted rape, we find the defendant not guilty.”

_Please no, they can’t do this._

“On the charge assault on a police officer, we find the the defendant guilty.”

_Oh thank heavens, this is something._

“On the charge of kidnapping, we find the defendant guilty.”

I released the breath I didn’t even know I’d been holding.

“Members of the jury, the state of New York thanks you for your service. You are dismissed. William Lewis, you are remanded to Rikers where you will await sentencing.” The judge banged his gavel.

Everyone stood. I heard Fin say “you did it, counselor.”

Rafael and I locked eyes for a minute before he turned to Liv.

“Liv did it.” Typical Nick, never letting Raf have a moment of praise.

“I can’t believe it’s over.” Olivia sounded drained.

“I’ll request the maximum. 25 to life.” Rafael reassured her.

* * *

 

 

Rafael and I walked home from the courthouse.

“Thank you for helping Olivia. You are amazing.”

“Thank you for supporting me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”


	26. How I Met Your Mother

 

I knocked on Rafael’s door. He wasn’t expecting me, but I knew he’d be home because he had asked me to spend the day with him. I had been planning on seeing a few friends from work but unfortunately they’d fallen through and I hate to show up out of the blue uninvited but I couldn’t stay away. What happened next wasn’t something I was expecting! A woman answered the door; a tall woman, in her 60s, with short brown hair, piercing green eyes and the stern look of a seasoned high school teacher.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

I won’t lie, I was baffled and rather taken aback at her appearance. At first I thought I’d gone to the wrong apartment, but my eyes darted around and saw the familiar features of Raf’s decor.

“I … umm, is Rafael home, please?”

“No, he isn’t, can I help you?”

“No I just came by to see him.” I stammered. When she had answered the door, I’d had no idea who she was, but her manner and tone as she spoke gave me an inkling as to her identity.

* * *

 

“Really? So you are a friend of my son?”

_Oh God she is his Mom! How on earth do I introduce myself to her? Does she even know about me? What do I say? I’m his friend? I’m his girlfriend? Hi, I’m sleeping with your son, nice to meet you?_

“I’m… Priti, Priti Halliwell.” I smiled and held out my hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“I’m Lucia Barba,” she replied and grasped my hand firmly. “Would you like to come inside?”

“Well I … don’t want to intrude on your time with your son.”

“Nonsense! Rafael isn’t even here. He got called in to work.”

“Typical, Olivia is always calling him on weekends.”

“Olivia! She drives him a little crazy. You know, when he said he was seeing someone, I thought it was her!”

I smiled weakly. Lucia stood aside, I walked into the apartment and I took off my coat.

“You can put your coat in the bedroom. I assume you know where that is?”

“I … haha, I’ll just go and umm…” I laughed nervously, stuttered a few words which trailed off as I blushed and escaped to the bedroom to deposit my coat.

_I can’t believe this is happening! Why did I think that coming over without an invitation would be a good idea? I thought Rafael was a challenge but Lucia is on a whole different level. And there is no male ego to work with here. Okay, stop freaking out and get back out there or she will think of something else to embarrass me about. Come on, you got this._

I took a deep breath and walked out of the bedroom, heart pounding. I opened my mouth to say something, but I didn’t get the chance to say anything.

“How long have you been seeing my son?”

_Right down to business! How do I answer this without getting into trouble?_

“Well…it’s been a little while.” I said trying to remain vague.

“You don’t know how long you’ve been in a relationship?”

“Just over a year.” I practically whispered.

“Well, it’s very much like my son to keep things like this to himself. A year! I’m surprised you haven’t moved in yet!”

“He’d have to ask me first.” I muttered under my breath, unfortunately Lucia’s sharp ears caught every word.

“Don’t count on it, my dear. My son is a smart man, but sometimes he can be a little clueless.” She smiled at me and continued talking. “Although I hope you don’t think Rafael as buckets of cash lying around. He may dress himself in those fancy suits, but he comes from the Bronx. I’m sure you known what that means.”

_Fuck, what am I supposed to say to that?_

“Mrs Barba, I…”

“Lucia, call me Lucia.”

“Lucia, I … that doesn’t matter to me. I love your son. I love Rafael.”

“I’m glad. So why don’t we get to know each other a bit better.”

“Is this going to be a conversation or an interrogation?” I asked cheekily.

Lucia rasied an eyebrow at me and I blushed for what felt like the hundredth time since I’d entered the apartment.

“I tell you what, for every three questions I ask you, you get one of your own. How does that sound?”

“Sounds like … _a_ deal.”

“Well while we do this, how about you help me with lunch?” Lucia picked up a knife and smiled. “Why don’t you chop some of these tomatoes.”

“Sure.”

“Right! Let’s start with your job! What do you do?”

“I’m a doctor.”

“Really! What kind?”

“I am training to go into forensics.”

“And that appeals to you?”

I stopped slicing a tomato half way and looked up at Lucia.

“While I was in medical school, I did some secretarial work with the detectives that Rafael works with now. They do really important work and I want to be a part of that again.”

“So you’d get to work with Rafi?”

“That’s four questions! I think it’s my turn!” I chastized jokingly before resuming my cooking duties.

“Go ahead,” Lucia conceded. “But you only get one question before its my turn again, so you’d better make it good!”

_Damn, I should have thought about this. Make it count._

“When Rafael was a kid, what did he want to be when he grew up?”

“Believe it or not, he wanted to be a lawyer.” Lucia chuckled. “He could talk your ear off. It would get him into trouble more often than not. Luckily he’d talk himself out of it too.”

“I’ll bet!”

“Where did you grow up?”

“West coast, San Francisco.”

“It must have been a big change to come here.”

“It was, but my sisters insisted that I should go to Columbia.”

“Your parents must be proud of you.”

“Actually, my grandmother raised me.” I looked at Lucia, knowing that she would never let the topic drop, I steeled myself and continued talking. “My parents died in an accident. My dad was a paramedic and my mom was a nurse. They were driving past and stopped to help, but one of the cars involved was leaking gas and the explosion was just too large for anyone to survive.”

“That must have been hard for you.”

I shrugged, “I was 6 months old, I didn’t know any different. I guess I miss the idea of them than actually missing them.”

We continued to prepare the meal in silence for a while before I spoke. “You have two more questions, you know.”

“Do you like plantains?” Lucia asked, picking up a banana.

“Love them, and last question!” I smiled at her, letting her know that I didn’t mind if she continued her _interrogation_.

“Why do you love my son?”

I was rather taken aback by this question. I paused to think about how to answer it.

“I love Rafael because he is my best friend and my hero. He is my best friend because he brings out the best in me, he believes in me and inspires me everyday. He is my hero because he fights for justice, no matter how hard or how futile the fight is, he does it to the best of his ability. I love him because there hasn’t been a day when we’ve be together and he hasn’t made me smile.”

I hadn’t looked at Lucia while I’d been talking, but I glanced up when I’d finished and I’m sure she looked a little misty. She busied herself with the pot of rice on the stove. It didn’t seem like she was going to say anything, so I took it upon myself to continue.

“My question, I guess. What shall we do until dinner is ready?”

Rafael came home an hour later to find us sitting on his couch with Lucia patiently trying explain the concepts of Heart’s Desire to me.


	27. Good Morning

 

My alarm went off, but it was still early. I rolled over and flung my arm over to the other side of the bed, but it was empty. I contemplated hitting the snooze button, but I was already awake and Raf’s huge bed feels empty when I’m in it alone.

I headed to the bathroom and opened the door in time to hear the shower start. I smiled as I caught a glimpse of Rafael’s very fine ass disappear behind the shower curtain. Silently, I slipped off my clothes slid in behind him. He was expecting me. I looked up at his wet face and watched a drop of water drip from his hair, slide down his unshaven jaw and fall onto his bare chest.

My gaze is naturally drawn downwards, but before I can get any further, I felt my head being tilted up by his large hand under my chin.  His other hand found its way to my hip, holding me, just slightly away from his own naked form.

Rafael leaned in close and stopped just as the tip of his nose touched mine. He froze and looked into my eyes and I watched as a grin spread across his face. It was entirely too much to resist. I raised myself up onto tiptoes and allowed my lips to meet his. We kissed, gently at first. I opened my mouth to allow his tongue entrance; he explored my mouth, starting slowly, each movement growing more hungry, more pressured.

* * *

 

I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair, now soaked from the falling water.  It’s hard to see his face because of the steam. Suddenly he pulled his mouth away and grabbed me firmly at the waist and pinned me against the wall. Without warning I felt the thrust of his hips against mine. A moan escaped my lips, excited by the increasing swelling of Rafael’s erection and the pressure of his lips, which had found my neck.

He rubbed against me slowly while I let my hands explore his shoulders, moving to his chest, down his torso. Before I can reach his hips, Rafael moves away, removing the pressure from my body. I felt cold without him and his body blocked the flow of hot water. I moved forwards but he stopped me. I let out a frustrated sigh, but this seemed to please him even more.

He put his arms around me, spun me around and pulled me right up against him. He moved one hand up to my breast, cupped it and applied pressure. I felt him breathing heavily into my ear. His other hand moved from my waist, gently across my abdomen and found it’s way downwards.  He moved his hand to my thigh, first on the outside and moved inwards tracing his fingers against my skin. He pushed his whole hand between my thighs and pulled my legs apart, then used his long fingers to slowly separate my labia. He then ran his fingers backwards and forwards over my clitoris in a slow rhythmic motion.

I felt an urgency rising in my chest, I needed more, I needed to feel him inside me. It’s only then I realized that he wasn’t ready; Rafael hadn’t reached his full potential. I reached backwards, finding his penis, I gripped the shaft firmly and started moving my hand up and down, matching my movements with his strokes.

Finally he was ready. I turned back to face him, this time I didn’t need his guidance. With my back against the wall, Rafael lifted one of my legs up, flexed my hip and bent my knee, so it curved around his hip and with one swift, fluid familiar motion, his whole length was inside me. I let out gasp of pure ecstasy.

Now, it’s all I can do to remain on my toes on one leg. We move together, slowly and shallow at first, but with each impaling motion both our needs grew and before I realise it, I have one arm around his neck, the other tightly gripped the shower rail, knuckles white and Rafael was penetrating me deeply, the tip of his penis kissed the lip of my cervix. We looked into each other’s eyes and smiled. Our lips found each others. I bit down on his lower lip, firmly but not enough to cause pain.

This is the trigger we had both been waiting for, we climaxed together, breathed moans of delight and orgasm into each other. Rafael’s erection softened and I felt his ejaculate run down my thigh. He withdrew himself from inside me but continued to push himself against me. Somehow both my feet were now back on the slippery shower floor, which was good because my body felt like jelly. Our mouths were still inches apart, foreheads touching. Rafael was the first to get his breath back. He smiled and whispered “good morning.”

It was the first time either of us had spoken that morning.

* * *

 

 

We helped each other dress for work and sat down for a quick breakfast.

Rafael looked at me over his cup of coffee and said, “we should start every morning like this.”

“Well that would be exhausting!”

“There can be no question, my dear Watson, of the value of exercise before breakfast.“

I giggled into my tea. “I’d have to get up early to go home for a change of clothes or bring a suitcase!”

“There is another option.”

“What’s that?”

“You could keep your things here and it would save you the trip. And bonus, we could spend more time in bed.”

_Is he asking me to move in?_

“Are you asking me to move in with you?” 

“Your powers of deduction are exceptional, my dear Watson.”

“No shit, Sherlock!” I tried to act outraged and would have been successful if I’d been able to keep in the insanely large grin off my face.

Rafael got off his chair, pulled me to my feet and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Welcome to 221B Baker Street.”


	28. Our Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Collaboration written with Indiprincess

 

“I think you have more clothes than I do.” I commented as I tried to push my collection of work clothes into the space that Rafael had kindly tried to clear for me. I bumped into his tie rack as I stepped back.

“There is plenty of closet space.” Raf said, rescuing his ties from my brutal attack. “That’s not what was concerning me.”

“So what is concerning you?”

“Where exactly we’re going to keep all your books!”

I looked at Rafael sternly. “That one is easy.”

“It is?”

“I have seen the perfect set of shelves that will fit very snugly into your so called office.”

“So called?”

“Well not once have I seen you actually use it as an office except to stack those law journals that you don’t read.”

* * *

 

Rafael huffed and pouted. I ignored him and bent down to open a drawer in front of me. “Not that one!” Rafael barked at me ask I pulled it open. It was full of pocket squares.

“Rafael! How many pocket squares do you have? Actually, the more relevant question is how many do you _need_?” I pulled out two similar colored squares and waved them in his face. “I mean look at these two! They’re identical!”

Rafael snatched the small squares back from my hands and smoothed them, folded them and carefully placed them back in place. “They are completely different, one is …”

I enjoyed teasing Rafael about his wardrobe, he always took this very seriously and I was surprised that he hadn’t clocked onto my tactics. I loved the order with which he had managed to organize his clothes. His shirts were meticulously starched and ordered by colour, his suits emaculately hung in a similar fashion.

All the moving had me spent. “Rafael, how about we adjourn for the night?”  I smiled at my little legal joke.  "I’m absolutely famished!“

“So long as you’re not cooking.”  Rafael said with a glance over his shoulder as he replaced his two pocket squares.

“What is that supposed to mean?”  I huffed at his back.  "I can cook!  You know that!  You even gave me a lesson!“

"I do recall you mentioning that I gave you the best lesson of your life.”  There was no attempt to hide his bravado or his smirk.

“ADA Rafael Barba it is my professional assessment that your big brass ego is quite inflated and you suffer from delusions of grandeur!”  I crossed my arms over my chest trying to keep from laughing.

Rafael slid the drawer shut and turned to face me. “Dr. Halliwell do you deny your prior statements in regards to that evening?”  
I barely had time to process a retort before he was at me again.  
“I will remind you that you are under oath.”

Now I couldn’t keep my laughter from bubbling out, which pleased Rafael to bits. “Fine. FINE!”  I reddened under his gaze as my mind went back to that night with him as well.  "Where do you keep the takeout menus?“

* * *

 

 

When my phone went off that night, I am not ashamed to tell you the panic that gripped my heart nearly tore it from my chest.  I had been in a deep sleep after the days exertions, (both moving and romantic) and the chirping roused me with a start!  I clutched the phone to my chest and skittered out of our bedroom as to not wake Rafael.  On my way out, I noted the time on his bedside clock. 3:17 a.m.  At this hour, I knew it could be nothing good.  I was exactly right.

As deep as my sleep had been, as soon as I pressed "end”, I jumped into action, slipping back into the bedroom and silently throwing on my scrubs and sneakers before running out the door.  A massive pile up on the Van Wyke had resulted in traumas being routed to several local hospitals and it was all hands on deck.

Hours had passed before I was able to even slow down and yet another hour before I could leave. I grabbed my purse and a cup of tea and headed for the door, finally done at 9:26.

Exhaustion hit as my adrenaline began to taper.  I took out my phone en route to the subway and when I unlocked my screen I couldn’t believe the number of missed calls and texts!  

First was Rafael at a little after 4 asking where I was, was I okay, and to call him.  Not only were there messages of this sort from Rafi, but from Liv and Sonny all in various states of concern.

My blood chilled as I realized I mustn’t have left him a note.  I dialed his cell, no answer. I called Carmen, and found he was due in court.  I hailed a taxi and made my way to him.

* * *

 

 

As my cab screeched to a halt, My eyes made out Rafael’s form on the courthouse steps.  I threw my money at the driver and bolted. 

“RAFI!“  I screamed as I took the stairs two at a time, and caught up to him just as he turned.

"Priti?”  When he saw me he visibly relaxed. “Oh Priti.”

“Rafi I’m so sorry, I got called in to work.”

“The accident on the Van Wyke.  I know. I called the hospital.  I should have done that first but I panicked when I woke up and you were gone.  I called Liv and Carisi to see if they heard from you.  I seemed to have panicked them also.”  He smiled sheepishly.  "But once I was awake enough to think, I called the hospital and let the others know I found you.  I left you a message letting you know…“

"I didn’t listen that far. I panicked when I realized I hadn’t left you a note. I’m so sorry to have worried you like that Rafi.  I just went into Doctor mode.” I buried my face in his chest. Rafael wrapped me in a tight hug.  I felt terrible for worrying everyone. I knew William Lewis was still fresh in their minds, especially that of my Rafi, and coupled with the things I had seen this morning, his arms were just what I needed.

“It’s okay cariño.  It’s going to take a while to get used to things like this, that’s all. You must be exhausted.”

“You have no idea Rafi.”  Relief washed over me and never wanted to leave the safety of his arms.  "I love you.“

"I love you too.”  He kissed the top of my head.  "Tell you what cariño, go home and get some rest.“  He smirked for my benefit, to ease my worried mind.  I was so grateful to him for that. "And I’ll let you make it up to me when I get home.”

“Our home Rafi.”


	29. Trials and Testimonies

 

I stared up at the certificate that Rafael had had framed and hung on the wall. I had completed all my boards and had just transferred into the Manhattan department forensics unit as a medical examiner. Everything had been a bit of a whirlwind. It had all happened incredibly fast. I was excited and scared, but my first day had passed without incident. I shadowed different team members for the first month, before being allowed to work independently.

In my second month, I’d been called to the hospital to complete a rape kit on a young woman as well as documenting her injuries. Olivia was there with me. I’d forgotten how good she was with victims, making them feel at ease and being supportive. It made me feel more confident about the procedures I was about to put this girl through.

Rosie. Her name was Rosie. The name fit her looks, at least they would have done on any other day of her life. I listened as she told Olivia about waking up in her dorm room after a party, not quite remembering how she’d gotten there. She spoke about how she felt nauseated and noticed that her clothes were torn and she didn’t have any underwear on, how she found blood between her legs and realized what had happened. I felt tears spring into my eyes, outraged at how she had been treated. I looked away and blinked hard, knowing that I had to stay as professional as possible. It wouldn’t do to fall apart as soon as I’d gotten the job of my dreams. I could feel Olivia’s eyes on me.

* * *

 

She said gently to Rosie, “If it’s okay, Dr Halliwell needs to do some tests, some of them aren’t very comfortable, but they are very important. Is that okay?”

Rosie nodded.

“Hi Rosie. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to start with a blood test and take some photos. Then I’m going to need to do an internal examination. If you want me to stop at any time, please tell me. Is that okay?”

She nodded again.

It was a complicated and rather drawn out process. I took a blood and urine sample to test for drugs and alcohol. I took photographs of her injuries. The last thing was taking internal swabs. I watched her intently, and even though she winced a lot, she didn’t ask me to stop. I felt proud of her bravery.

* * *

 

 

Three months later, I found myself pacing around Rafi’s office. _Why did I think that I could do this? What was I thinking? There is no way I can get up and testify in front of all those people._

I had not been able to sleep the night before because I wanted to get my testimony perfect. I’d practised with Rafael long into the night. He was tired and sleepy, but bless him, he had been so patient with me. I had gotten up early to go over my notes again, I paused only to brew a pot of coffee, knowing that he would need it after the late night.

He had emerged from the bedroom half an hour later drawn to the kitchen by the aroma of coffee, he searched for his morning jolt of java.

“Is that coffee?” He grabbed a mug from the cupboard and kissed my forehead. “[Dios te bendiga](http://www.linguee.com/spanish-english/translation/que+dios+te+bendiga.html), cariño.”

Rafael left me in his office while he attended his morning appointments. I had plenty of time to work myself up into a panicked state. He came back to his office to find me pacing around.

“Priti!” He grabbed my shoulders to stop me pacing. “What’s going on?”

“Rafi, I can’t do this. I suck at public speaking. I’m just going to fuck things up royally.” I put my face in my hands, feeling disgusted with myself.

“Honey, look at me.” I did. “Do you remember why you’re doing this?”

“For Rosie.”

“Exactly.”

“Rafael, I don’t want to mess this up for her.”

“You won’t. Just do it like we practised, you’ll be perfect. I want you to remember one thing.” Raf pulled the photographs from his evidence log and gave them to me. “What this guy did to her.”

I looked at the photos, feeling my blood boil at the abuse this girl had suffered.

* * *

 

 

I sat at the back of the gallery with Fin, my leg was shaking nervously. Fin put his hand on my knee and whispered, “cut that out.”

“Sorry.”

“You did good, kid. Barba’s got this one in the bag.”

He did, the verdict came back guilty.

  


 

“I’m proud of you, cariño.” Rafi whispered as we walked out of the courtroom.


	30. Maybe You’d Be Better Off

 

I ran around the apartment throwing some essentials into a bag.

“Rafael have you seen my glasses?”

“The ones on your face?” Rafael asked without looking up from his journal.

“Oh, yeah, right.” I reached up and pushed the frames higher up the bridge of my nose.

“You’re going bouldering, right?”

I nodded.

“How are you getting there?”

“Sonny is going to pick me up.”

Rafael’s face soured at the mention of Sonny’s name.

“You could be a little kinder to Sonny, you know that, don’t you?”

“I could, I just choose not to.”

* * *

 

I shook my head and held my tongue. For the last week Rafael had been incredibly snappy and distant. Our warm relationship, our familiar banter and loving gestures had turned to polite conversation and automatic emotionless actions, at least from Rafael. On several occasions, I’d asked him if everything was alright and each time I’d received the same response; a terse smile which never quite reached eyes, a peck on the cheek and a _everything’s just fine._

Despite his reassurances, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Rafael was angry. I racked my brain, playing out our conversations, trying to think of a reason for his behavior. I just had no idea what had happened and it terrified me.

I lay awake on Thursday evening, long after Rafael started snoring. I knew that Rafael would be home over the weekend and the thought of being alone with him all day, behaving how he had been, was too much to bear.

Earlier that day, Sonny had asked me if I had wanted to check out a bouldering wall that had just opened near our apartment. We had spent the week looking at videos online and sharing our experiences. I texted Sonny and asked if he was still interested in going bouldering. I didn’t have to wait long for answer, my phone buzzed a few seconds after I hit send. His message read “ _Definitely. Pick you up at 3. Can’t wait._ ”

Sonny and I had struck up a firm friendship almost immediately. I had started working with the squad around the same time that he had transferred into the precinct and we had formed a close bond. Sonny had been surprised to learn that Rafael and I were an item. His exact words had been “ _but you’re so nice!_ ” I had laughed, that’s how most people reacted.

I got home several hours later, exhausted but happy. There had been a variety of new challenges for me to tackle and many new skills learnt. I called Rafael’s name as I shut the door and threw my bag under the table. I didn’t get any response. I called again and went through the small complex only to realize there was no sign of him. I went back to the front door see if he’d left a note on the table saying where he’d gone, but there was nothing there. I looked at my phone but there were no messages. I called his cell and sent a text but there was no reply.

_Should I be worried?_

It was unlikely that he was called in to work, I’d been with Sonny after all, he would have known if something was going down. I texted Olivia, who said she was home with Noah. Half an hour later, I received a message from Rafael. It read “ _Out with friends, don’t know when I’ll be back._ ”

My worry turned to anger, then hurt. I was tired and overwrought. I stormed into the bathroom and stripped off my sweaty clothes and climbed into the shower, seeking refuge in tears.

I ate a lonely dinner and went to bed.

* * *

 

 

I awoke the next day to find Rafael sound asleep beside me. I lay beside him for a while, a concoction of different feelings churned in my stomach; relief and delight at seeing him safe and sound, anger that he hadn’t bothered to let me know what he was doing, sadness and confusion about his behavior during the last week and a sudden desire ignited by his handsome face. I slipped out of bed, I needed to sort through my feelings and I knew I’d never be able to think clearly if I stayed where I was.

I went into autopilot, made myself a cup of tea and brewed a pot coffee. I was on my second cup of tea when Raf made an appearance.

“Morning Cariño.”

I said nothing. Instead, I let my head droop down over my mug and let my long wavy hair cover my face.

“Everything okay?”

I tried to answer the same way he had done every time I’d asked him that week. But the words caught in my throat and before I could stop them, burning tears escaped from my eyes. It didn’t take long for him to notice.

“Cariño, what’s wrong?” Rafael asked trying to wrap his arms around me. I pulled away.

“I don’t know!” I practically sobbed. I’m not sure if the words were intelligible but Rafael understood them nonetheless.

He approached me again, more cautiously and gently. This time I didn’t pull away. I hated that he could cause me such pain and in spite of this, I still ached for him to hold me close to him. So I let him. I crumbled into him and let him soothe my shaking, weeping form.

When I regained my composure, I sat up, taking my head off Rafael’s chest. I looked directly into his eyes, vision slightly blurred. I said quietly but very clearly, “I am only going to ask this one more time and I really need you to be truthful and please don’t deny it. Why are you mad at me? ”

Rafael pressed his lips together tightly, I could see him trying to formulate an answer. “Because you’d rather go out with Carisi than spend the weekend with me.”

“I went out with Sonny because you’ve been mooching around for the whole week.” Rafael’s face scrunched into a scowl. “Don’t act like this is something new to you.”

“Well if you don’t like my behavior, maybe you’d be better off dating someone like Carisi.” Rafael practically spat the words out at me.

A realization dawned on me. Rafael was jealous. I knew I’d have to phrase my next sentence carefully. “Why would I want to date Sonny when I have you?”

“The more pertinent question would be why wouldn’t you? Why wouldn’t you want to date someone your age? Someone who clearly shares your interests and you enjoy spending time with!”

“Personally I’d rather be with someone I was in love with and attracted to. But then again that’s just my opinion.”

“Why would you be in love with someone who is 10 years older than you? Why wouldn’t you want to be with someone who is more … _appropriate_.” His voice rose a decibel as he talked and he put a lot of emphasis on the word ‘appropriate’.

I had had enough of his ridiculous insecurities. My reassurances didn’t seem to be having the desired effect, it was time to turn the tables on his argument. “Well I could say the same about you.”

“Excuse me?”

“What about you and Olivia?”

“What does Liv have to do with this?”

“Your argument is that you should be with someone closer to your age.”

“Liv and I are just good friends.”

Rafael’s arguments were making me more and more frustrated and it was reflecting in the tone and volume of my voice. “Then why can’t I have that? Why are you walking around here treating me like I killed your dog?” We were now standing across from each other in the kitchen having a full blown row.

“Because he likes you.” He yelled back at me.

“What?” I said quietly, a little confused and incredibly surprised. Not the answer I had been expecting.

“He looks at you the same way I do.” He dropped his voice to match mine.

“What way is that? With disrespect?” I said bitterly.

“Touché,” he whispered sadly.

“Rafael, I don’t want to be with anyone but you. I need you to trust me.” I said gently and took a step closer to him.

“That’s what Yelina said to me when we were kids.” My heart ached at the sadness in his voice.

“We’re not children Rafael.” I took another step towards him.

I have no idea what possessed me to say what I said next. I’d promised myself that I’d never let a man control my actions, not after I’d watched one of my sister’s boyfriends manipulate her for years. But I couldn’t stand the thought that I was hurting him. “Rafi, if you want me stop being friends…”

“No.” He didn’t give me the chance to finish my sentence. Rafael wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. I heard his muffled voice say, “I’m sorry.”

I pushed lightly against his chest so I could look directly at his face. “I promise you can always trust me.”

He put his hands on my face and kissed me, deeply and passionately.

“Thank you,” he breathed into my mouth.


	31. Barba vs Cabot

“Alex!” I shouted across the High Line. I was on my way to Chelsea Market and had decided to take the scenic route. It was a beautiful day for a walk. “Alex?” I shouted again, a little unsure. I thought I’d been mistaken, until she looked up at me and smiled. I sat down on the bench next to my friend, Alexandra Cabot.

“Priti! It’s so good to see you.” We hugged each other.

“You look fabulous! Where have you been?”

“Around. I’m working with the Appeals Bureau again.”

“They must be keeping you really busy! I mean you don’t call, you don’t write!”

“Sorry.”

“Tell you what, you can make it up to me by coming to dinner at my new place.”

“You moved?”

“Moved in with my boyfriend actually.”

“Congratulations!”

* * *

 

“So how about it? Give us a chance to catch up, I work at SVU now!”

“Really?”

I smiled and nodded. “And you can meet Rafael.”

“Sounds fabulous, I would love that.”

* * *

 

 

The doorbell rang. “Do you mind getting that please?” I asked Raf.

“No problem!”

I heard the door open, then surprised exclamations!

“Barba?” Alex sounded shocked and a little angry. “What are you doing here?”

“Alexandra Cabot.” Rafael didn’t seem as astonished. “I happen to live here.” I could hear the smirk in his voice. “Please come in.”

“I actually have dinner plans.”

“With Priti.”

“Yes, do you know her?”

I could tell Raf was stringing out the conversation on purpose. I wiped my hands on a tea towel and ran to the front door.

“Alex! I’m glad you made it! Please excuse Raf’s rudeness. Come in!” I grabbed Alex’s hand and pulled her into the living room. “I take it the two of you are already acquainted?”

Alex and I sat on the sofa and turned to face each other. Rafael perched on the arm rest behind me and answered for her. “We were in the same class in Harvard.”

“Seriously? That’s awesome!” Alex looked less than thrilled, Rafael looked mildly amused. “Isn’t it?”

“Let’s just say that Barba and I weren’t exactly friends at Harvard?”

I looked at Raf, he shook his head, “not exactly.”

“What did you do Raf?”

“Why do you assume I’m to blame?”

Alex laughed, “well she clearly hasn’t lost all use of her faculties by dating you. I was a little worried.”

I was burning with curiosity by this time. “I’m certain there is a story here and I’m going to need one of you to tell it to me, now.” The oven timer binged at that exact moment. “Hmm, saved by the bell! I’m going to get that. Give the two of you a chance to get your stories straight.”

I raced into the kitchen to put dinner on the table. I strained to listen to the conversation between Alex and Rafael but couldn’t make out what they were talking about.

I don’t think I’d ever set a table so quickly, but current circumstances called for swift action. I sensed some animosity between the two lawyers, there was more than enough fuel to light a fire and I didn’t want to miss the fireworks.

I rushed back into the living room in time to hear Alex say to Rafael, “well if you don’t think that wasn’t cheating, you haven’t changed at all.”

“Who cheated?” I asked, a little bewildered. I couldn’t imagine Rafael cheating.

“Your boyfriend thinks he is Atticus Finch.”

I looked at Raf and smirked. I knew he was a huge fan of To Kill A Mockingbird, as was I. Being compared to this famous figure was just like stroking his big brass ego. Last year, as a birthday gift, I had given him an autographed novel with a personalized message, which he had been overjoyed about.

How did I manage that you ask? I had been in Alabama on a forensics conference, which had happened to be right next door to a writer’s convention, where the guest speaker was none other than Harper Lee! It was an opportunity I couldn’t really miss, I won’t lie, I skipped out on one of my lectures and snuck into the convention to hear her talk. I found myself in the ‘meet and greet’ queue, clutching a copy of the novel. I told her about Rafael and working for SVU. She had written a beautiful message to him. ‘To Rafael, Real courage is when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what. Never stop fighting for what you believe in. Happy Birthday! Harper Lee.’

“Why don’t we get dinner started and tell me the whole story and I’ll be the judge and jury. I mean who doesn’t love a good bench trial?” I giggled to myself, knowing full well that they both hated bench trials, convincing one impartial judge being significantly more challenging than swaying a dozen members of the public. I led the way to the dinner table, taking a seat between Alex and Rafael.

“Right, Alex, you have the floor.”

“Wait, why does she get to start?” Rafael interrupted.

“I’m sorry, was that an objection?” I asked playfully.

“Yes, it was.”

“On what grounds?”

“On the grounds that it’s really not fair.”

“I’m sorry that’s just not good enough. Objection overruled. Alex, please continue.”

Alex smiled at our banter and started her story.

“Well we used to have a lot of mock trials in law school. There was one particular case, I was the prosecutor, naturally. Barba was playing the defense.”

“Playing?” Rafael interjected.

I tried to hide my grin.

Alex continued, actively ignoring Rafael’s interruption, “The case was going really well. I was trying a man for murder.”

“He killed the man who raped his daughter!”

“He is still a murderer.”

“Haven’t you heard of extreme emotional distress?”

“Guys?” I interrupted. Things were getting a little heated and I was desperate to hear the rest of the story. “Aren’t we getting a little distracted from the story?”

“So I was kicking your boyfriend’s ass in mock court.”

I chortled as Rafael stabbed a tomato venomously with his fork.

Alex continued, “I’d say I was doing pretty well too. Until we got to closing arguments. What’s when Barba decided to pull a dirty trick on me.”

“All’s fair in love and law!”

“Who says that?”

“I just did.”

“Do you want to know what he did?”

I nodded.

“I rocked the closing arguments and won my case.” Raf answered.

“He quoted the closing arguments from ‘A Time To Kill’ almost verbatim!” Alex snapped.

I burst out laughing. “That was a great movie! Matthew McConaughey did look particularly scrumptious in it.”

“Nobody likes a sore loser, Alexandra.”

“People like cheaters even less, Rafael.”

Alex and Raf glared at each other for a few seconds before turning to me and in unison, asked “well?”

Tough decision, I was regretting accepting my judicial position. I didn’t want to offend either party. I had been extremely tickled by Rafael’s tactics, it was one of my favourite things about him, his ability to think on his feet and turn a bad situation to his advantage. I could also understand Alex’s feeling of outrage that Rafael had won using another person’s argument.

“Well what?” I asked, feigning confusion.

“Which one of us is the better lawyer?” Rafael said, always one for getting to the point.

“Why does someone need to be better? All I can see is two fabulously smart and dedicated people who do an amazing job fighting for justice. Honestly, I’m pretty lucky to have you both in my life. I’m incredibly grateful that.”

Alex looked at Rafael and said, “I always said she could’ve gone to law school.”

“That might be the only thing we’ll ever agree on,” Raf replied.


	32. Do You Really Mean That?

It was rather amusing watching Rafael actively trying to ignore his vibrating phone which sat upside down on the table in La Lanterna di Vittorio. We hadn’t been back there since our first date. The vein on his forehead was pulsing prominently and he seemed incredibly stressed out.

“Just answer it!” I said.

“No. Is it too much to ask for some time alone with you?”

“You’re an important man, it’s only natural that people are going to demand your time and attention.” I tried to keep from smiling while saying this. I wasn’t very successful, particularly after he started rolling his eyes at me.

“Very funny.”

Before I could reply, my phone started ringing angrily. How can a phone be angry you ask? Honestly, I have no idea, but if ever a phone has sounded angry and urgent, mine did at that very moment. Raf and I looked at each other, resigned to the fact that our evening was ruined.

“Hey Liv!” I answered.

“Where is Barba?” She sounded stressed, I decided against scolding her for interrupting our evening.

“Hang on.” I handed the phone across the table wordlessly.

“What?” He snapped before falling silent and listening to Olivia. His expression became more and more sullen as the conversation went on. “Text me the details, I’ll find a judge.”

My heart sank upon hearing those words. Rafael hung up the phone rather forcefully.

“Don’t kill my phone.”

“Sorry. Sorry for ruining this evening.”

I stood up and held out my hand. He took it and we walked out together.

“Raf, you didn’t ruin anything. Plus now we get to go find a judge and I can watch you work your magic.”

“Umm, how about a rain check?”

* * *

 

Rafael drove to the hospital with me. Another romantic evening cut short by the call of duty.

“I guess it’s my fault this time.” I felt guilty, Raf had worked really hard on planning these evenings and it seemed that fate was working very hard at preventing us from having an evening alone together. It seemed to be taking a toll on Rafael who was looking extremely stressed and upset by these interruptions.

“No, I don’t blame you.”

“Why on earth would you blame me?” I asked innocently and he laughed. “Don’t completely lose your sense of humor, will you?” I kissed him quickly and jumped out of the car. “Don’t wait up.” I yelled while I slammed the door shut.

* * *

 

It was finally the end of the week. No more interruptions, no calls from work. Rafael looked stressed and exhausted. He was stood in front of the television holding several cables. 

“What’s up?” I asked creeping up behind him and whispering in his ear.

He jumped and dropped all the cables. “Was it really necessary?”

“But of course!” I smirked at him. He didn’t look in the least bit amused. “What have you done Rafael?”

“The blu-ray wasn’t working.”

“And you thought pulling out all the plugs was going to remedy the situation?”

Rafael took a deep breath and sighed angrily.

“Let’s just put them all back in, shall we?” I pulled out the TV and shoved the cables back into their appropriate slots. “Right, hit the button.”

Rafael walked around the coffee table and stood in front of his spot on the couch. He picked up the remote and pointed it at the TV. “Great, now we get to watch blue screen on blu-ray,” he remarked sarcastically.

I jumped on the coffee table and grabbed at the remote which Raf was still aiming at the blu-ray. I knew exactly what was wrong with the remote, but I wanted to address the more important problem; why was he so irritable?

“What’s going on Raf? You haven’t been yourself all day.”

“Who exactly have I been then?”

Tucking the remote into the back pocket of my jeans, I put both my hands around Raf’s face and looked straight into his eyes. “I’m serious Rafi, is everything okay?”

“It’s fine. I’m just tired…a little disappointed.”

“Disappointed? About what?”

“Just all the time we didn’t get to spend with each other this week.”

“This new day is too dear,  
with its hopes and invitations,  
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.”

“Alright smarty pants, you don’t have to quote Emerson at me.”

“As long as you stop being a grumpus.”

“I will, if you tell me what is wrong with the remote.”

“Wow, there really is a sucker born a minute!”

Rafael pursed his lips and squinted his eyes at me. He grabbed my hips suddenly, causing me to almost lose my balance. I squealed and he laughed. “Spit it out.”

“You really don’t remember?” He looked utterly baffled and it was really rather endearing. “You took the batteries out and put them your clock.” Rafael closed his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh.

“Barnum’s the name, P.T. Barnum!“ I leaned forwards and we fell onto the couch laughing. I could feel Rafael laughter vibrate through me which tickled me further. He lay beside me and as our laughter became softer we looked into each other’s eyes. I smiled and thought about how lucky I was to have met such a wonderful man.

“Marry me.” I think the words escaped his lips before he’d realized it.

To say I was surprised was an understatement. I had hoped for this, dreamt of it. To be honest, I don’t really know what I had expected, but it certainly wasn’t this.

“Do you really mean that?”

_I want to marry you, of course I want to marry you! But marriage isn’t something that should be decided on a whim, in the spur of the moment. I want him to have made a conscious decision to make a commitment with me. But how do I ask him that?_

“I mean it with all my heart.” Raf pulled out a box from his pocket. I gasped. “I’ve been trying to create the perfect moment to ask you but you just reminded me that every moment with you is perfect.”

Rafael climbed off me and the sofa, bent down on his knees and opened the ring box. I sat up. He took out the ring and presented it to me. It was a silver ring, encrusted with three princess-cut solitaire diamonds entwined in swirls. My heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest. I couldn’t move, I was speechless and overwhelmed. I felt tears of joy spilling out of my eyes.

“Priti, cariño, my life has never and _could_ never be the same after I met you. You’ve made me more joyful, more stable and more inspired. I can’t picture the rest of my life without you by my side. Will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

I tried to speak but my voice had failed me completely. Instead I nodded, laughing through my tears which insisted on falling. I held my left hand out to him and he slid the ring onto my finger, fitting perfectly. I held his hands tightly and pulled him forwards into a kiss. It turns out kissing is rather difficult when when both parties are laughing and crying at the same time.

Rafael climbed back onto that couch and I climbed into his arms. I held up the ring to admire it. It looked familiar to me.

_I’ve seen this ring before. But where?_

I didn’t have to ponder long before the answer came to me.

“Rafi, I feel like I’ve seen this ring before. It’s just like Abuelita’s wedding ring.”

“It is… _was_ her ring.” Rafael whispered. “When I told her I wanted to marry you, she gave it to me. She said she had had a wonderful marriage with a man she loved dearly, that it had brought her all the happiness in the world and she wanted the same for me, for us. She said that I should give it to you because it needs to stay in the family.”

“Oh Rafael. I…I don’t know how to explain what this means to me.”

Rafael took my hand and pointed to the glittering gems on the silver band. “The three stones represent our past, present and future. The twists go all the way round which means that our lives will always be intertwined.”

“I love you Rafael Barba.”

“I love you too, Priti Halliwell.”


	33. I Feel Like A Coward

“What did Olivia mean today? About family secrets?” Rafael asked as we walked through the door of our apartment at the end of the day.

I looked at Rafael a little shocked. “You don’t know?”

“What exactly don’t I know?”

I sighed, torn between respecting Olivia’s privacy and being open with Rafael. I decided that Olivia wouldn’t mind. “Come and sit down.”

“This is a sitting down type of conversation?”

I patted the sofa, indicating for him to come and sit down beside me. “Has Liv ever talked about her parents to you?”

“She said her mother died years ago, I’ve never heard her talk about her father.”

“That’s because until a few years ago she didn’t know who her father was.”

“Oh?”

“For most of her life she only knew him as the man who raped her mother.”

I watched as my statement registered as shock on his face. Soon I’d explained about how she had found out about having a brother and the madness that had ensued.

“Well that explains a lot of things.”

“You’ll be discrete about this, won’t you?”

“Of course.”

We sat in silence for a while, I let Rafael process the information I had just given him. After a while I asked a question that Id been curious about for a while, but didn’t know how to go about broaching the subject. This seemed like the perfect opportunity.

“Rafi, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“You never talk about your father. I just wondered why that was.” Rafael’s expression had turned dark and his hands had curled into fists. I wished I could take it back. “Rafael, you know what I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry, please just forget I said anything.” I bit my lip, I hadn’t meant to cause him pain. He turned and looked at me, he took my hand and said, “It’s not something I particularly enjoy discussing.”

“That’s okay, you don’t have to.”

He gripped my hand tighter and sighed deeply. “No, but I want you to know. I just don’t know where to start.”

He didn’t say anything for a while, just stared into the distance. I didn’t prompt him. Eventually he spoke but never made eye contact with me.

“I guess you could say that we never really saw eye to eye. But that would be an understatement.

“He drank. He drank a lot. I don’t know if he was always like that. I can’t believe Mami would have married him if he had been. But that was the only man _I_ ever knew.

“I think I disappointed him as a son. I was smaller than other kids my age and growing up in the South Bronx, that can be a … disadvantage. When Alex and Eddie weren’t around, I was a target. Mostly for my lunch money … sometimes because they enjoyed it. I could talk my way out of some things, but there was one gang that found particular pleasure in asserting their _physical_ dominance.

"When I was at school, I wanted to go home. When I was at home, I wanted to go to school. Dear old dad had no sympathy for the beatings I received. In fact he often berated me for it. ‘ _Why couldn’t I fight back?’_ he would ask. He never actually laid a hand on me. It might have been the fact that I was small and good at dodging him or just that the alcohol dulled his reactions. Mami wasn’t as lucky.”

I felt my teeth clenching and my heart pounded, burning with anger. In the short time I had known Lucia, I had grown to care for her deeply. She shared her son’s dry wit and caring nature. I remember she told me that they’d never had enough money for her to go to college, which is why she was so proud of Rafael for getting a scholarship to Harvard. Instead she had started working as a teaching assistant, then a teacher and now she was the principal of their local school. The thought that Rafael’s father squandered her hard earned wages on alcohol sickened me.

“It wasn’t like that everyday. There were good times.” He said, noticing the horrified expression on my face. “But I spent as much time away as I could. Either at Eddie’s house or Alex’s. By the time I was in high school, I knew I had to do everything I could to get out of the neighborhood, I hated it. My father was the epitome of everything I didn’t want for my future.

“So I spent all my time studying, I knew that getting a scholarship was my only way out. Getting into Harvard was the best thing that could have happened. Abuelita was the only person who was truly happy for me. Mami was too, but I think she was afraid for herself, of what things would be like when I left. I am ashamed to say that I left without looking back. I think I resented her a little, for not protecting me more.

"When I got to Harvard, Mami called and told me that he wasn’t doing well. He had liver failure from the alcohol. Maybe I didn’t really know how bad things were, or they got worse after I left. Maybe I just didn’t _want_ to know.”

A single tear dropped from Rafael’s eye. He hadn’t looked at me at all since he started talking. He continued to stare at a coaster on the coffee table in front of us. I moved closer to Rafael wanting to comfort him, but also wanting him to finish his story. I felt guilty about my morbid curiosity, but like a bad horror movie, once you’ve started, you have to see it through to the end.

“I didn’t visit him even though I knew his health was declining. The next time I saw him was at his funeral. It finally felt safe to go home but…not seeing him before then, not standing up to him for Mami…I feel like such a coward.”

“Rafael! You are _not_ a coward. You did something that very few people in your position could do. You made something of yourself. You fight for people, you fight for justice. That makes you a hero.”

“It will never make up for what I should’ve done.”

“What should you have done?”

“Protect my mother.”

“That’s not on you.”

Rafael turned to look at me, “then who’s responsibility was it?”

I didn’t have an answer to his question. I knew he didn’t expect one.


	34. Pending Nuptials

“I miss you.” Rafael whispered into his cell.

I grinned to myself. I was glad that it was dark and I was alone in the spare room at Olivia’s apartment. “Raf, it’s one night,” I consoled.

“But I can’t sleep without you.”

I didn’t think my goofy grin could get any bigger, but it did. “I’ll be back tomorrow, but I don’t think much sleeping will be happening then either.”

Rafael laughed, it was low and full of desire. “Are you saying that I’m expected to look tired and be baggy-eyed on my wedding day because my wife-to-be wants to follow a stupid ‘you can’t see the bride before your wedding’ tradition?”

“How about I help you relax a little?”

“Oh? What would you suggest?”

“A prelude. For tomorrow night.”

Rafael moaned.

I continued, keeping my voice low and sultry. “Are you thinking about it? Are you imagining me, there, with you? Te quiero besar. Think about my lips touching yours, then down to your neck, kissing it all over.  
  
“Are you touching yourself right now? I want you to think about my fingers running over your skin, drawing on your stomach, teasing your hard nipples. I want you to think about me licking, sucking, rolling it gently between my teeth.”

“Priti.”

“I want you to imagine my hand sliding over your thigh and between your legs. I love holding your cock and feeling it get hard in my hands.”

“Priti, stop teasing.”

“I’m not teasing! If I was there I would. I’d kiss every inch of you. I want you to stroke yourself, just like I would if we were together. ”

“Fuck I’m so hard right now.”

“Just lie back and let me make you cum. You like it when I spread my legs and take you in?”

“Yeah, I’m thinking about it too. My cock buried deep inside you. I like it when you go on top, I love looking up at you, the look way when you start to cum.” Rafael’s voice was low and husky. “God I wish you were here. I think I’m going to cum just thinking about it.”

“Oh Rafael, I’m so fucking wet.” My center ached and couldnt help but touch myself, stroking my clit repeatedly. Soft moans escaped my lips.

“Fuck I love hearing you moan like that…I bet you wish those fingers were mine.”

I groaned loudly. “Rafael I need you now.” I could hear his breaths over the phone coming loud and fast. “Tell me when you’re close.”

“Now, Priti, I’m need to cum now.”

“Do it. Cum for me.”

“Oh God I love you.”

Hearing him say those words pushed me over the edge, waves of pleasure pulsing through my body. We lay in silence, together but apart. As the waves ebbed away I reached for my phone and pulled it closer to my ear. “Raf?”

“Amorcito.”

“Do you think you’ll sleep better now?”

“Si, mi reina.”

“Hasta manaña.”

I hung up the phone and tossed it on the dresser beside me. I jumped out of bed, taking care not to make too much contact with the sheets. As close as I was to Liv, I didn’t want to explain why there were marks on her sheets.

I jumped out of bed and headed to the bathroom. As I returned to the bedroom and shut the door, I caught sight of my wedding dress hanging on the inside. I climbed into bed and admired it in the dark. It was a ruby red lehenga.

So for anyone who doesn’t know what a lehenga is, it is a traditional Indian outfit for women and is usually worn for festivals. It consists of a long, embroidered and pleated skirt worn with a choli (a cropped blouse). To complete the outfit, most women wear a dupatta, which looks like a bit like a veil. My father was Indian and I wanted to celebrate my heritage and include a part of my past in the start of my future. Not to mention the fact that I look fabulous in red! I had gone for a lehenga with a full flare skirt and a silver embroidered hem with a wide border. The blouse had a scooped neckline at the front which dipped low on the back.

When I had spoken to Rafael about my dress he had been incredibly supportive and excited. I fell asleep thanking my lucky stars that Rafael had walked into my life.


	35. I’ll Be The Greatest Fan Of Your Life

Our wedding had felt straight out of a fairy tale, we’d exchanged our vows at the Church of the Guardian Angel on tenth avenue.

The reception had been a dream come true. We’d hired The Lighthouse at Chelsea Piers because of it’s unique waterfront venue with sweeping river views of the Hudson River and the glimpse you could catch of Lady Liberty. Raf and I had taken one look at the location and fallen in love with it. 

Now, I lay in bed, Rafael beside me. My first night as Mrs Barba! Rafael was fast asleep and snoring slightly, understandable after the day’s and night’s activities! I drifted off slowly, allowing the memories of the day and those leading up to it to flood my senses.

* * *

“Wait are you telling me that I have a maid of honor and you have a best man?” Rafael asked looking confused.

“Raf, its not that hard a concept to grasp, come on! Liv is going to be your maid of honor and Sonny is going to be my best man. It’s rather simple.”

“But, traditionally, shouldn’t _you_ have a maid of honor and _I_ have a best man?”

“You want Sonny to be your best man?”

“Well Liv could be my best man and Carisi could be your maid of honor!”

“Yeah, I toyed with that idea, but Liv said she would prefer to wear a dress.”

“Wait, did you consult Liv before me?”

“Honey, I consulted Olivia about this before I even met you.”

“Fair enough.”

“So that’s settled then.”

* * *

 

“Ready?” John Munch asked as I straightened my outfit for the tenth time.

“I’m ready, the dress has it’s own ideas.”

“Priti, I don’t think Rafael is going to be focusing on the dress.”

“But there is still time!” I retorted just as the music started playing, which was my cue.

“Well, it’s now or never!” John held out his elbow. He has been honored that I had asked him to walk me down the aisle for my wedding and I had been so thankful that he had wanted to do it. John had always felt like a big brother, despite our age gap, we were kindred spirits.

“Just promise me you won’t let me trip and make a total fool of myself!”

“We may be a little late on that front, don’t you think?”

I was about to open my mouth to spit out a sarcastic response when I noticed that we had already walked into the chapel and I was greeted by the smiling faces of our friends and family. I looked up to the altar and saw Rafael standing there looking down at me, I felt like I hadn’t seen him in months as opposed to mere hours. He looked radiant.  He was wearing an incredibly well-fitted, dark tux with a white waistcoat, and a tie and pocket square that matched the color of my dress perfectly.  I tried to look like a demure and elegant bride as John led me down the aisle, but every time my eyes met Rafael’s, I couldn’t help but grin madly.

As we reached the altar, John took my hand and placed it in Rafael’s, who helped me step up next to him at the altar. I flashed a quick smile at Sonny and Olivia who were both up there with us.

The next part of the ceremony went by in a haze because I was starting to feel nervous about what was coming next. Let me remind you, public speaking, not my strong point and I think my face may have been redder than my dress. Rafael had suggested we use an element of Hindu wedding vows in the ceremony. When he had suggested it, I had been over the moon, now thinking back, I regret the decision because I’d had to memorize what I was required to say and I was having palpitations because I was afraid I’d forget the vows.

I’m sure Rafael could sense my slight agitation because he started tracing a small circle in the palm of my hand, using his thumb. The smallest gesture unseen by our guests, but something I found extremely calming.

The priest explained that in Hindu weddings, the bride and groom walk around a consecrated fire seven times, reciting specific vows with each circuit. We weren’t going to do that today, but Rafael and I would recite the vows together. He squeezed my hand as we started.

“We will provide for and support each other.  
We will develop mental, physical, and spiritual strength.  
We will share the worldly possessions.  
We will acquire knowledge, happiness, and peace.  
We will raise strong and virtuous children.  
We will enjoy the fruits of all seasons.  
We will always remain friends and cherish each other.”

“I, Rafael Barba, take you, Priti Halliwell, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” Rafael sounded so confident and happy.

“I, Priti Halliwell, take you, Rafael Barba, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

I took Rafael’s ring from Sonny and Liv gave Rafael mine and we placed them solemnly on each other.

The priest announced. “It is my pleasure to introduce you to Mr and Mrs Rafael and Priti Barba.”

* * *

 

“You know, when Rafi said your wedding dress was red, I wasn’t too thrilled but I have to admit when I’m wrong. You look incredible.” Lucia said to me as we arrived at The Lighthouse.

“Thanks _Mami_ ,” I emphasized Mami. I’d long since learned that Lucia only saved her critical remarks for her nearest and dearest. So her honesty was a sign of endearment and was much appreciated.

* * *

 

Olivia caught me as I snuck away for a glass of water.

“Priti, I want you know that I’m so proud of you. You’ve grown into such an amazing woman. You were just a girl when I met you, and you were wonderful even then. But you’re the only person that has always been there for me. You’re my best friend and the best little sister anyone could ever ask for. I’m so glad that you’ve found someone who is going to love and appreciate the person you are. Just remember that you will always be _my_ family.”

In all the years I’d known Liv, she rarely expressed her own feelings so freely. she was empathetic to victims, she was a champion for justice and protector for anyone in need, but it was rare for her to expose herself to others. I couldn’t hold back my tears and we stood in front of the drinks table with our arms around each other for about five minutes.

* * *

  
Abuelita beckoned me over to where she was sitting. “Thank you for making my grandson happy.”

“Rafi makes me very happy, Abuelita.” I answered.

“And for believing in him. There aren’t many people who do.”

“They should!” It came out a little more indignantly than I had intended.

“I know, mija,” she said a little sadly.

“Abuelita, I want to thank you for this ring. It’s beautiful and it means so much to me that you wanted me to have it.”

“I want you and Rafael to have a good life. I didn’t want you to be cursed by the ring that Rafael’s father gave my daughter. I’m an old lady, I’m glad he found you in time for me to see him get married.”

“I promise I’ll do everything I can to make him happy.”

“I know you will, mija.” She patted my cheek.

I put my arms around her small frame and hugged her.

* * *

 

Rafael put his hand on my shoulder to get my attention; I had been chatting to Nick, Fin and Amanda. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but may I borrow my lovely wife for a little while?”

Nick and Fin smirked. Amanda smiled and replied, “of course.”

Rafael led me across the floor and twirled me around silently.

“Raf!” I whispered, “there isn’t any music.”

“We can rectify that cariño,” he whispered back, just as the microphone crackled into life.

Sonny’s very distinctive accent blared over the speakers. “Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together as we welcome Mr and Mrs Barba onto the dance floor for their first dance together as husband and wife.“

Raf guided me around the dance floor as Edwin McCain sang “I’ll Be.” During the chorus Rafael started singing along quietly into my ear.

 _I’ll be your crying shoulder,_  
I’ll be love’s suicide.  
I’ll be better when I’m older,  
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.   


As the song continued, our guests joined us.

* * *

 

Sonny waited until the end of the evening to talk to me.

“Hey there Mrs Barba.”

I grinned. “Hey Sonny. How are you doing? Did you have a good evening?”

“I’m just happy that I didn’t have to wear a dress to be honest!”

I laughed. Rafael had told him that he was on maid of honor duties and handed him a bouquet.

“Thank you for doing this for me Sonny, it means the world to me.”

“Of course. I’d do anything for you.” Sonny smiled at me and I felt a hot blush creep up neck. Ever since Rafael had said that Sonny might care for me as more than a friend, I’d felt a little uncomfortable. Not that Sonny was behaving differently, it was more my interpretation of his gestures. Sonny was, well is, a wonderful person, kind, intelligent and a true gentleman. I almost wished that I could reciprocate his feelings but every time I closed my eyes, only Rafael’s face appeared behind my eyes.

I opened my eyes and noticed that Sonny was giving me a puzzled look. “Am I boring you?” he asked.

“No silly.” I reassured him by swatting his arm. “I’m just trying to commit everything to memory. I never want to forget anything about today.”


	36. Contempt In The Courthouse

I walked purposefully up the steps of the courthouse. My swift pace was fueled by anger and worry. I had gotten a voicemail from Raf saying that he needed me to come and bail him out of the courthouse jail.

I was more than a little baffled about how he had ended up there. The message had been vague to say the least.

_Cariño, could you do me a favor? I need you to come and get me from courthouse lockup … and bring a check for $5,000.  
_

What on earth has he done to get locked up? What if there were criminals in there with him? Rafael talks a good game but he would be vulnerable physically. My heart started beating faster with these thoughts and my feet sped up to match its pace.

When I arrived I was out of breath and panicky. I handed the check to the court clerk and the bailiff led me to the cell where Rafi was being held. Raf was sitting comfortably in the cell with his feet up reading the paper. My panicked feelings made a quick pit stop at relief before speeding down the fast lane to fury.

Rafael smiled at me, but I didn’t return it. I was a little angry at myself for imagining worst case scenarios as well as at Raf for putting me in that situation in the first place. As soon as Raf was out of the cell, I marched out of the courthouse without looking back. I knew he was following me, because he called my name softly a few times, eventually giving up on getting my attention.

I climbed into the Uber that was waiting, Rafael got in behind me. I looked down at my hands, feeling a little ashamed of my overreaction but also not wanting to give in.

“Cariño.”

“Rafael.” I said, coldly, avoiding his gaze. “What do you think you’re playing at?”

“Priti.”

Now I’d started, I couldn’t stop venting my frustration. “You’re getting yourself thrown in jail now? What exactly is going on? Also, $5,000? Why did I just pay a $5,000 fine to the court? Aren’t you supposed to be an officer of the court? You’re supposed to put people behind bars, not join them. They’re dangerous, Rafael, you of all people should know that! I really need you to explain this to me, because I’m having a hard time with this one.”

“Bronwyn Freed.” Two words, or rather the name got my instant attention.

“What about her?”

“I was trying her for aiding the escape of William Lewis.”

“And?” I asked, desperate to know the details of the case.

“The judge dropped the charges.”

“What? Why?”

“Well his reason was insufficient evidence but there is political pressure to hide the corrupt prison system. Which I may have proceeded to point out to the judge. And maybe also accuse him of being involved in the corruption.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry, I should learn to keep my mouth shut, but sometimes I feel frustrated with the injustice.” Raf curled his hand into a fist.

I put my hand on his and sighed. My anger at him had evaporated as he explained his actions. “All it takes for the triumph of evil is a good man to do nothing. I’m glad you’re a good man, Raf. Thank you for trying.” We both hated the outspoken redhead who had facilitated the escape of the monster hell bent on torturing our friend. “I’m sorry I was so obnoxious. Next time I’ll listen to your side of the story before yelling.” I smiled at him shyly.

“I’d appreciate that.” Raf smirked back.

I rested my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me in close to him. We both felt aggrieved by the way in which the wheels of the justice system had turned that day.


	37. It’s Not Okay

I drove as quickly as I could on the icy roads. I glanced over at Rafael briefly. His leg was shaking impatiently and he fiddled with his phone, checking his notifications but ignoring all his messages. I could tell he was struggling to keep his agitation hidden. About 5 minutes later, I pulled up outside Abuelita’s apartment building, there wasn’t any available parking, but an ambulance was stopped outside. I stopped behind it, but left the engine running. Rafael looked at me.

“Go,” I said softly. “I’ll find somewhere to park.”

Raf looked like he wanted to say something, but instead leaned across, gave me a peck on the cheek and bolted out of the car into the building.

I pulled out onto the road and went in search of a safe place to leave our car. As I scanned the streets, I allowed myself a moment of weakness. A strangled sob escaped my lips as I thought of Abuelita. The phone call Rafael had received from Lucia had been vague, she had rather incoherently asked Rafael to come to her apartment immediately. I had known, even then, that there was no hope, but seeing the ambulance parked, engine turned off was confirmation for me. Abuelita had moved on from this life.

I thought of my own Grams, who I had lost so long ago and tears slipped down my cheeks. I pulled into an empty space and angrily wiped my face.

_Get it together Priti. Don’t be selfish, this isn’t about you. Go find your husband._

I hopped out of the car and half ran back to the apartment complex, skidding on a patch of ice as I entered the lobby. I steadied myself before climbing the short set of steps ahead of me. I spotted Lucia sitting at the bottom of the staircase leading to the higher floors. She had her head in her hands. I walked up to her and whispered so as not too startle her, “Lucia?”

She looked up, tears in her eyes. I couldn’t find the words to convey my condolences. Instead, I sank onto the step next to her and put my arms around her, willing myself to keep my tears at bay. I felt sad, but I knew that my grief couldn’t compare to that that Rafael and Lucia would be feeling. As much as I was a part of the family, I still felt like and intruder on their grief. My eyes darted around looking for signs of my husband, worried about how he would be coping with this loss. Almost as if Lucia had read my mind, she pulled away from my arm and said, “Rafi is going to need you. He went upstairs.”

“What about you? Shall I call anyone?”

“No. Go find my son, this is going to be hard for him. He blames himself.”

“Why would he…” I stopped, realization seeming dawning on me. I practically raced up the steps to the sixth floor, taking two steps at a time until my calves protested.

As I reached the landing on the sixth floor, I found Rafael standing in the middle of the corridor looking extremely lost. I knew he had come up to see Abuelita but had lost his nerve. Now he was just lingering in the hallway outside her apartment not knowing what to do. The door was open and I could see two paramedics in the bedroom writing up their report. I walked over to Raf, but instead of touching him or calling his name, I walked around so I was directly in his eye line.

He refused to meet my gaze, instead choosing to stare at his feet. I stepped closer and took his hands. “Raf?”

Rafael pulled his hands away and held them up. “Please don’t,” he said quietly and backed away from me. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Hearing him say those words made my heart ache. I grabbed his hands and even though he tried to pull away, I clung on to them tightly until he stopped resisting. “Rafi, this isn’t on you.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No!” I exclaimed.

“I’m the one that forced her to go and look at that home, she didn’t want to leave her home and I …” He couldn’t finish his sentence, instead all I heard were choking sounds. I had never seen Rafael like this before, I had prided myself on being able to judge when something was bothering him, but seeing him display his grief was a whole new territory and I felt rather startled and unsure of myself.

I so badly wanted to take him in my arms, to kiss him and tell him that everything was alright. Except it wasn’t. I knew he wasn’t ready for that, not while we were still outside Abuelita’s home. Here, he still wanted to be the man his grandmother believed in, the boy who had made her proud, el juez. I would have to wait until we were home, to comfort the man I had grown to love and cherish. Until then, all I could do was show my support as discretely as possible, I gripped his hands tightly and waited for the paramedics to finish their report. It may have been the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year, but it felt like the longest.

* * *

 

We invited Lucia to stay with us until the funeral and the Rite of Committal were completed. After this the constant flow of family and friends bringing their condolences subsided and Lucia returned home. Rafael and I were finally alone again. During the last week he had been distant, which is understandable, but I had hoped that Rafael would have looked to me for comfort.

I came home from work to find Rafael sitting in the dark, on the couch, half way through a bottle of scotch.

“Rafael?” I was extremely startled when I saw him move in the dark.

“Cariño,” he responded, speech slightly slurred. “How is my beautiful wife today?”

“I’m fine,” I answered a little hesitantly. I didn’t think I’d ever seen him quite this inebriated. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” Raf leaned over me to pour himself another glass and I pushed the bottle away from him.

“I’m sure one more glass won’t hurt.”

“I’m not sure it’s going to help either.”

“Do you have any suggestions for what will?” he said bitterly. The look of despair in his eyes brought tears to mine.

“I wish I knew,” I whispered.

“She died because of me.”

“What?” I exclaimed. “What are you talking about Rafael? Don’t be ridiculous. How can you even think such a thing?” Tears were streaming down my face, I couldn’t believe that he was thinking something so shocking. I put my arms around him and shook him slightly, as if I could somehow break the horribleness of his words away from him. “Rafi, you aren’t responsible for what happened to her, she had a heart attack.”

“Because I told her she had to leave her home. She was stressed out because I was forcing her to do something she didn’t want to.”

“You were trying to take care of her. She knew that.”

“She is the only person who believed in me. I was supposed to take care of her and I couldn’t even do that right.”

“Rafael, she was 85 years old. The fact that she was living independently all this time is a real achievement. I’ve seen so many, much younger people who have a much worse quality of life than she did. She was happy and she was really proud of you, she told me so, the day we got married. She said that she was really pleased that she was around to see you get married and it was the best day of her life.”

Rafael didn’t cry often, but he was now, tears slowly slid down his cheeks. “I miss her. I should have gone to see her more when I had the opportunity and now I can never do that.”

I wished fervently that there was something could say to make him feel better but everything that came to my mind felt like empty platitudes. Instead I got up and got a glass of water. “You should drink this.”

“Is this glass of water supposed to magically fix everything?” Raf asked sarcastically taking the glass from my hand.

“No, but you’ve had quite a bit to drink and I don’t want you to get dehydrated.”

Rafael closed his eyes and grimaced, “Priti, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s okay.” I put one arm around his shoulder and used the other to rub his arm soothingly. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay.”

“Raf, you’re being too hard on yourself.” I pushed the glass up to his lips and encouraged him to take a sip of water. He took one mouthful and put the glass on the table.

“I don’t deserve someone as wonderful as you. Abuelita deserved a better grandson.”

I knew that I wouldn’t be able to change his thoughts, not now, not like this. My Raf is as stubborn as they come and he was determine to wallow. I wrapped my arms around him again, rested his head on my chest and stroked his hair slowly. “Rafi, you deserve the world. I promise I’ll always love you.”


	38. Booyah Fordham Law

  
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## 38\. Booyah Fordham Law

“Raf, what _are_ you wearing?”

“They are judge’s robes.”

“Why are you playing dress up?”

Raf scowled at me. “I’m just checking they fit.”

“I’m sorry, did you become a judge and neglect to inform me?”

“No. My old professor, Charles Harvey, he works at Fordham now, asked me to be a judge at a mock trial he is conducting for his class. He gave me the robes, he said if I want to be a judge, I should get a feel of what it’s like. Mock trials aren’t just for potential lawyers.”

“Harvey? Isn’t that Sonny’s professor?”

Raf smirked. “Indeed he is. Carisi is going to be prosecuting. I promise to tell you all about it.”

I looked at him warningly. “Don’t be a dick.”

Rafael put his mouth close to mine and whispered, “don’t worry, I save that all for you.”

* * *

**Fordham Law, Monday 20th April 2015 11.00**

Sonny’s leg twitched nervously. He had been looking forward to this for a long time. His criminal law class was conducting their very first mock trial and Sonny had already secured the role of the prosecutor. I’m definitely going to win this, he thought confidently. He glanced over to the desk next to him, where his opponent and study partner sat. Molly Myles was twenty-six years old, petite, and had the shiniest chestnut-colored hair Sonny had ever seen. There was something seductive about her; perhaps it was her sensitivity or simply her good will, but Sonny was convinced that her gentle nature would not make her a formidable adversary.

The class professor, Charles Harvey swept into the room. “Alright, kids! I know a lot of you have been looking forward to this for a while. As you know, we already have volunteers for our starring roles. However there are many supporting roles that still need to be filled!” He held up a pile of envelopes, “Here I have some character profiles, for those of you who would like to take part in this endeavor. Please feel free to come up and select one. They are only marked male and female.” Once the scramble for an envelope and the inevitable exclamations of dismay at the selected roles had settled, Professor Harvey continued.

“No complaining or swapping roles,“ Harvey demanded. "This is a simulation of what you will expect to encounter in the real world and out there you don’t get to ‘pick the vic’. Mr. Carisi, Miss Myles, I have a list of witnesses you will be allowed to call. Some you may wish to use, some you may not. You have one week, make the most of it. I will see you back here, same time, same place.”

Sonny glanced down at the list of roles and noticed that there wasn’t a judge listed. "Professor, are you gonna be the judge?“

"No Mr. Carisi,” said Harvey, “we have a special guest who will play the part of the judge, so I expect your best work next week. Don’t let me down!”

Sonny and Molly looked at each other and grinned excitedly. “Oh it’s on,” Sonny said, goading her. Molly simply scoffed, tossed her hair over her shoulder and set off to identify her witnesses.

* * *

**Apartment of Sonny Carisi, Monday 27th April 2015 06.00**

Today was the big day. Sonny was up early and ready to test himself in court. He stood in front of his closet, still dripping from his shower. If he had learned anything about going to court from Rafael Barba, it was dress to impress. Sonny pulled out his favourite suit and laid it across a chair. Better eat breakfast, don’t need to ruin my shirt first thing in the morning, thought Sonny.

Sonny pulled out his notes and spread them across the kitchen table. Then, he grabbed a clean bowl, filled it with Cheerios, sat down and started reading his opening argument. It was only after his third bite that he noticed that there wasn’t any milk in the cereal.

Rolling his eyes, Sonny filled the bowl with milk and shoveled the remaining Cheerios into his mouth. He checked the time and then he quickly gathered his notes and stuffed them into a satchel. Maybe he would concentrate better with some fresh air. He wasn’t sure why but he was starting to feel rather nervous about the day’s events.

* * *

**Fordham Law, Monday 27th April 2015 09.** **00**

Sonny entered the seemingly empty classroom early, feeling more confident and rejuvenated by the long walk and a very strong cup of coffee. He stood in the back momentarily, getting his footing. The space had already been arranged to represent a courtroom. At the head of the room there was a large desk and chair for the judge and adjacent to it was a witness stand comprised of a single chair. Twelve chairs sat to the right for the jury. There were two other smaller desks directly in front of the large desk: one for the prosecution and one for the defense. As he approached the attorney tables, Sonny spotted Molly’s tiny figure, hunched over a stack of books. She looked apprehensive. Seeing his normally self-sufficient, easy going friend appear slightly rattled made him feel self-assured for a moment, only before giving way to guilt. After dropping his satchel on the prosecution table, he walked over to the defense table, pulled up a chair and smiled at Molly.

Without looking at him, she asked quietly, “How did I let you talk me into this? ‘This will be fun,’ you said!” She looked directly into his eyes, her nervous anger manifesting in the volume of her voice. “How is humiliating myself in front of Professor Harvey and everyone in our class going to be fun?”

Sonny at least had the decency to look ashamed.

"I was never any good at this public speaking thing, you know,“ she continued.

Sonny feigned surprise. He had always wondered why someone so reserved had chosen to study law. "And yet here you are! Admit it, you enjoy the challenge,” he said, teasing her. They sat together in silence for the next hour, studying their notes. As the clock approached 11:00, their classmates filed in each taking their appropriate places. Sonny vacated his chair at the defense table for the defendant, Callum. Returning to the prosecution table he began to confer with Abigail, the victim.

* * *

**Fordham Law, Monday 27th April 2015 11.00**

Right on time, Professor Harvey breezed into the room. “Let’s get started folks! All rise.”

Everyone did as they were told.

"I would like to present our very special guest, currently an Assistant District Attorney in the Manhattan office, Judge Rafael Barba!“ Harvey motioned to the side door; it opened and in marched a fully robed Rafael Barba.

Barba took his seat at the judge’s table. "Thank you. Will you please be seated?”

Everyone sat, except Sonny who remained standing, his mouth slightly open, a rosy flush crept into his cheeks. He stared at Barba in disbelief.

"Am I dreaming?“ thought Sonny. This day just turned into a nightmare he’d had numerous times before. ”I’m going to embarrass myself in front of Rafael Barba.“ Ever since Sonny had met the dashing prosecutor, he had done everything to emulate the man. He had studied twice as hard and even tried to mirror the older man’s attire. Unfortunately, so far all he had earned for his efforts was Barba’s apparent contempt and snide remarks. Sonny did his best to make it look like none of Barba’s jabs bothered him, but deep down he was hurt by his disdain.

"Mr. Carisi, if you’d like to take a seat we can get started,” said Barba.

When he heard his name, Sonny snapped back to reality. He sank down into his chair, his face a delicate shade of crimson.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Today we will be hearing the case of the People vs. Callum Hayes. Are both sides ready?“

"We are, your Honor,” chimed Molly and Sonny.

"For the prosecution, we have Det…Mr. Sonny Carisi and for the defense?“

Molly stood nervously, looking at Sonny, as if to ask why does he know your name? "Molly Myles for the defense, your Honor.”

Barba nodded his acknowledgement and greeting. “Will the accused please stand?” Callum stood up, looking Barba directly in the eye. “Callum Hayes, you are charged with one count of rape in the first degree, how do you plead?”

"Not guilty, your Honor” Callum replied.

“So entered. The prosecution can proceed with opening arguments.“ Barba narrowed his piercing stare on Sonny, raising an eyebrow: show me what you can do.

Sonny slowly got to his feet, stumbling as he moved to the center of the room. Sonny began to stutter a bit as he began. "You are here today because on the fourth of February, the defendant, Callum Hayes entered the home of Abigail Austin and proceeded to rape her. He bound her hands and feet so she couldn’t struggle or escape. We have photographic evidence of the friction burns on her wrists and feet.” His speech became more fluid and his voice louder, spurred on by his anger at the vicious nature of the crime.

"We have DNA from Abigail’s sheets, from her thighs, her abdomen and her vagina that all match. But, the defense will argue that the sex was consensual, that Abigail willingly took part in these activities. The evidence suggests otherwise. You will see photographs of the marks he left on her body, scientific data proving that his DNA was on her, inside her. The state will prove to you, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the defendant, Callum Hayes, is guilty as charged of this heinous crime.“

"Thank you, Mr. Carisi for that thrilling opening statement.”

Rafael regretted his words almost as soon as they left his mouth. He might have been able to treat Carisi with some contempt in the squad room and his own office, but here, he needed to be professional and unbiased. Rafael felt honored that he had been asked to be a judge, even if it was only mock court. He had wanted to perform well today and he was already disappointing himself. Somehow Carisi had a way of pushing his buttons and Rafael wasn’t sure why, but the eager cop-turned-law-student really brought out his sarcastic side. Maybe it was because Rafael saw something of himself in the excitable, naive detective? Or maybe it was just because Carisi was inexperienced and overzealous. Whatever it way, Rafael reminded himself that he needed to control his tongue. Now was not the time to let his attitude affect his impartiality. He wanted to be successful, to make his abuelita proud. After all, she had always been the one person who had believed in him. Watching Carisi take his seat at the prosecution table looking a little deflated, Rafael wondered what effect behaviour was having on the young man.

Remembering that the attention of the class was focused on him now, Rafael realized he should move things forward. “Miss Myles, if you would, please.”

Molly gracefully took her place in front of Barba and the jury and began her speech.

“Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Under the law my client is presumed innocent until proven guilty. During this trial, you will hear no real evidence against my client. He has been wrongfully accused of raping his girlfriend Abigail Austin. The facts and evidence presented today will show that Callum Hayes is not guilty.

"Callum Hayes was born and brought up in New York City. He comes from a good home and has a well respected family. Today, however, you will learn that he is not perfect. He is indeed in a relationship with Abigail, and in the course of their relationship, they engaged in role playing and rough sex. Now this might not be to everyone’s taste but has always been consensual. So the question now is why would he need to rape her? The evidence will clearly show that Callum did not rape his girlfriend because he no reason to so.

"Now as you listen to the testimony, you hear the witnesses, it is going to be important that you do so very carefully. Throughout this entire trial, remember that the prosecution,” Molly turns and points at Sonny, “has the burden, they have the burden to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that my client, Callum Hayes, is guilty.”

As Molly took her seat, there was a lull in the room. Sonny knew what came next, but felt uncertain whether he should act on his own, or wait for instruction. He looked at Barba for direction.

"The prosecution may call its first witness,“ announced Barba, looking back at Sonny.

"The People call Abigail Austin,” Sonny nervously said, rising from his chair.

Harvey came forward. “Please stand. Raise your right hand. Do you swear that the testimony you shall give in the case before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

"I do,“ said Abigail

"Please state your name for the record,” said Sonny.

"Abigail Austin”

“And how old are you?”

“Twenty five.“

"Where do you live?”

"1192 Park Avenue.“

”This isn’t so hard,“ thought Sonny. His voice growing more steady and confident.

"I would like to direct your attention to the fourth of February at 9pm. Where were you at this time?”

"At home in my apartment.“

"What were you doing?”

"I had just finished dinner and was about to have a shower.“

"What happened next?”

"The door bell rang and Callum was at the door, so I let him in.“

"Why did you let him in?”

"Because he is,“ Abigail hesitated then corrected herself, "was my boyfriend, it wasn’t unusual for him to show up at my door in the evening.”

"Why did he come to your apartment today?“

"He came to my apartment to rape me!”

"Objection! Calls for speculation!“ Molly was on her feet.

Sonny looked at his witness, slightly irritated by her unplanned outburst. Barba sustained the objection and Sonny looked embarrassed but continued.

"What was different about this evening?” He glared at his witness thinking; don’t fuck this up for me!

"He was upset, angry. He’d been drinking.“

"What happened next?”

"I was going to take a shower, so I went to my bedroom. He followed me and started kissing me.“

"So, the defendant showed up at your apartment, drunk, he followed you into your bedroom and forced himself on you.”

"Objection, Your Honor, counsel is testifying!“ exclaimed Molly.

"Yes, he is.” Barba raises his eyebrow in Carisi’s direction. “Sustained.”

"Now, Abigail,“ said Sonny, using his words carefully. "I have to ask you to be very specific here, please tell us exactly what happened after you let the defendant into your apartment.”

Sonny glanced at Barba, who returned the look with nod of approval. Abigail took a deep breath and continued with her testimony.

"Callum came in and sat down in the living room, he had been drinking, I could smell it on his breath as he walked past me. I needed to take a shower and I told Callum what I was doing. I went into my bedroom and started undressing. The next thing I know, Callum is behind me grabbing my hips. I turned around and he kissed me, hard… rough. I tried to turn my head but I couldn’t move, he just held me tighter. I pushed against him and he pushed back and I fell onto my bed. I hit my head on my bedside table. I’m not sure what happened next exactly but suddenly he was on top of me. He pinned my arms above my head. Then he put his belt around my wrists and pulled them together. It was really tight.“

"Your Honor, I would like to direct the court to people’s exhibit one.” Sonny pulled out enlarged photos of Abigail’s inflamed blistered wrists. “These photographs were taken at Mount Sinai Hospital by the Medical Examiner.”

Sonny looked back at Abigail, allowing her continue with her testimony. “I couldn’t move. I tried to get him off me, but I just couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe, and I felt sick every time I struggled against him. He leaned over to me and whispered, ”Isn’t this how you like it?“ He ripped off my t-shirt and pulled down my shorts and then he forced my legs apart. He had his knees on my thighs to keep them open.” By that time, Abigail was in tears. Sonny was impressed with her efforts to make her testimony authentic.

"People’s exhibit two: the bruises on Abigail’s thighs resulting from the pressure from defendant’s knees.“

Sonny waited for Abigail to compose herself. She continued, her voice quivering and hesitant.

"Then I could feel him, feel him pushing inside me, over and over. We’d had rough sex before, but never like this. I thought he was never going to stop. Then suddenly it did stop and I could move. He had taken the belt off my wrists. I lifted my head and saw Callum wiping himself with the t-shirt I had been wearing. It used to be his college t-shirt…he gave it to me because I really liked it.”

"Objection, relevance!“ Molly interjected.

"Sustained.” Barba could see that the frequent objections were throwing the detective off his stride.

"Abigail, just try to keep to the facts please,“ Sonny said, pleading with Abigail to work with him.

"Sorry.” Abigail felt genuinely apologetic. She liked Sonny, but had been instructed to play her part in a very specific way.

"That’s okay. Did the defendant say anything to you after this?“

"Yeah, he got dressed and as he was leaving, he looked kinda sad and he apologized. I didn’t know what to do, I just laid there. I couldn’t believe what had happened.”

"What did you do after this?“

"I wasn’t sure what to do. My wrists were hurting, they were red and blistered, my thighs were bruised, I was bleeding from… from there. I wiped the blood off and put some clothes on. I didn’t want my skin to get infected, so I went to the hospital.

"Where did you go, Abigail?”

"I walked to Mount Sinai, it’s just a few blocks from my house.“

"People’s exhibit three, your Honor: a report from the doctor detailing the vaginal tears sustained by Abigail following the assault.”

Sonny handed copies to the jury and Barba. Allowing them time to read and digest the information. Once he saw Barba look up, Sonny concluded his examination. “I have nothing further, your Honor.”

Sonny hurried back to the prosecution table, relief flooding his body. Thank God that’s over, he thought as he sank back into his seat.

Rafael had watched the younger man carefully during this direct examination. Not bad Carisi, he thought. You got there in the end, good witness prep, you told her story despite the rocky start. He had dealt with the objections relatively well, not allowing them to throw him completely off his stride. Let’s see what his opposition has to offer.

Barba nodded at Molly, signalling to her to begin cross-examination.

"Miss Austin, you claim that your boyfriend raped you. Can you think of any possible reason why he would do that?“ Molly asked.

Abigail’s voice wavered. "I… I don’t know why he had to do that, why he had to hurt me like that. I’ve never said no in the past.”

Molly interrupted her. “And it seems that you didn’t say no on the night in question either.”

"Objection, does the defense have an actual question?“ Sonny practically yelled, he was so excited by the chance to throw Molly off her stride.

"Counsellor, would you like to rephrase?” Barba was rather amused by Sonny’s exuberance.

Molly took a deep breath, frustrated at the objection. “At any time during this encounter did you say no?”

"He forced me to have sex. He tied my hands and pinned me down so I couldn’t move.“

"But you like it rough, don’t you Miss Austin? You’ve asked my client to tie you up in the past.”

"Yes but that was consensual. He never hurt me before.“

"Did you fight back? Did you scream? Did he threaten you?”

"No, but…”

Molly interrupted Abigail before she could get any further. “My client isn’t the only one you’ve had tie you up, isn’t that right?”

“What does that have to do with Callum raping me?“ said Abigail in an affronted tone.

"Your Honor, relevance?” Sonny cut in.

Molly is quick with her retort, “demonstrates pattern of behaviour.”

"I’ll allow.“ Barba settled the dispute.

"In fact,” Molly continued, as though there had not been an objection, “my client isn’t the only one you had sex with that night?“

"That’s not…” Abigail hesitated, aware that if she continues, she would perjure herself. “What’s that got to do with Callum raping me?”

"I have a sworn statement from David Hayes, my client’s father, saying the you have been having intercourse with him on a regular basis in exchange for a transfer of funds into your account.“

Sonny sat motionless, flabbergasted, at the prosecution table. Abigail caught his eye. She gives him a sympathetic look and a slight shrug.

"Tell the truth, Abigail!” Molly demanded, “You are only crying rape because David Hayes refused to continue paying you in exchange for sex. I have your bank account statements showing these monthly payments.”

Sonny looked at Molly completely bewildered. He doesn’t recall any bank statements in the evidence list. He glanced up at Barba questioningly. Can she even do this?

Barba stared straight back at him. Typical Carisi, dives in head first without considering the consequences or getting the whole story.

"Objection, this evidence was not supplied to the people your Honor.“ Sonny felt so completely lost, that even his objections had lost their enthusiasm.

"Actually, it was added to the evidence list this morning.” Molly smiled at Sonny smugly, handing Barba a copy of the bank statement. Sonny glared back at her, his mind screaming one word: Judas. Meanwhile, Barba reviewed the statements compared with the evidence list and finally affirmed their admission.

"The prosecution requests a brief recess, your Honor,“ said Sonny. He was desperately searching for an excuse; he needed time to think.

"Denied,” said Barba after a brief hesitation. Molly had pulled a rather sly stunt, but had done nothing wrong. He was rather disappointed by Carisi’s feeble arguments.

"We have nothing further, your Honor,“ Molly concluded.

"The witness is excused. I guess now is a good time to break for lunch. We will reconvene at 2pm for the defense’s witness.”

**Fordham Law, Monday 27th April 2015 13.00**

Sonny turned to Abigail and glared at her.

"Nicole, what gives?“ He demanded. Nicole was the real name of his classmate who was playing the party of Abigail Austin. "We went through everything, you never mentioned anything about an affair!”

"Sonny, I wasn’t allowed to say anything unless you asked some very specific questions,“ said Nicole apologetically. She looked rather forlorn; she was rather fond of the bubbly and friendly detective and had felt like she had somehow betrayed his trust. "Professor Harvey said we had to stick with what was on the cards.”

"It’s okay, it’s not your fault. I should have,“ he paused for a moment and sighed, "This isn’t how things were supposed to go.”

"Don’t worry, you can still cross examine the fuck out of ‘Callum’.“ Nicole put her hand on his should and gave him an encouraging squeeze. "Come on, let’s grab some lunch and have a chat with Mr. Barba!”

Sonny gave a noncommittal grunt as she got up and wandered over to where Rafael was answering a barrage of questions. He continued to watch them absently and was startled as Molly dropped into the empty chair beside him.

"Here,“ she said and trusted a BLT at him. "I brought two.” She showed him the one she had brought for herself.

Sonny looked at her while she enjoyed her own sandwich. She was always taking care of him; bringing him food, reminding him about assignments. He sometimes wondered if there could have been something more between them. But she was engaged and that door was very firmly shut. He was very glad of her friendship and was not something he wished to lose.

They sat and ate in silence, watching their colleagues chattering merrily. Sonny noticed Barba get up and walk out of the room looking disgruntled, muttering something about the lack of suitable coffee for consumption.

They continued eating, occasionally speaking with a passing colleague, but not discussing the case. As the clock approached 2, everyone moved back towards their respective seats. At 1.45, Barba burst back into the room carrying 2 large cups of coffee. He walked around to Sonny, deposited one of the cups in front of Sonny and made his way back to the bench.

* * *

**Fordham Law, Monday 23rd March 2015 14.00**

"The Defense calls Callum Hayes.“

Professor Harvey walked forward again. "Please stand. Raise your right hand. Do you swear that the testimony you shall give in the case before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

"I do,“ swore Callum.

"Can you tell me where you were on the night of February fourth?” Molly began her direct examination.

"I had finished work and had gone out for a beer with my work mates. Afterwards I went to Abi’s apartment at around 9pm. It’s something I do often. We don’t always plan these things in advance.“

"What happened when you got to her apartment?”

"I knocked on the door and she let me in. I had a bottle of Bailey’s, Abs enjoys that, I thought we could share it. She said she was going for a shower. Then she went to her room, she left the door open. I thought…we’ve had sex in the shower before, I thought it was an invitation. I mean, she left the door open, what was I supposed to think?“

"Objection!” Sonny stood up, almost knocking over his chair, rather desperate to interrupt Callum’s testimony.

Exasperated, Molly scowled at Sonny, her head tilted to the side. “What the fuck are you doing?” She thought.

"And on exactly what grounds are you objecting, Mr. Carisi?“ asked Barba.

Tiny beads of sweat started to adorn Sonny’s forehead and he was flushed. He hadn’t really thought this through. His mind reeled, automatically rattling off a list of objections he had learnt. Unable to find a suitable objection, Sonny made one last ditch attempt to redeem himself. "His testimony is prejudicial?”

"Hardly” said Barba with his usual look of disdain.

Sonny sat back down. Way to go Sonny, he definitely thinks you are a moron now!

“What happened next?“ Molly continued, as if there hadn’t been an objection.

"We had sex okay? Abigail and I have role played before, it wasn’t anything unusual.” Callum became angry and slightly agitated. “We had sex. I tied her hands exactly like we’ve done before. It may have been tighter than I intended, but she didn’t tell me to stop!” he insisted.

"So what you are saying is that you went to Abigail’s apartment and had consensual sex?“

"Well she never said no!”

"What happened after this?“

"We had sex, that was it, I had to work the next day and it was late, so I went home.” Callum shrugged.

"Your witness.“ Molly turned and smiled smugly at Sonny.

Sonny rose from his table, took a deep breath and approached the defendant, determined to salvage the situation.

"You claim that you and Abigail had consensual sex, but how do you explain the injuries she sustained?”

"Like I said before, Abs likes it rough,“ said Callum cockily.

Sonny slammed images of Abigail’s lacerations and abrasions under Callum nose. "Are you saying that she wanted this?” Sonny kept telling himself that this wasn’t real, but the photos were real. This had happened to someone, someone real. Sonny’s anger had turned into a quiet disgust. “Did she say no, Mr. Hayes?” He said coldly.

Surprised by Sonny’s sudden change in tone, Callum replied without his usual arrogance, “she didn’t say no.”

"Consent means the presence of a yes not the absence of a no!“

"Does counsel have an actual question?” Molly interjected.

"Did you know that Abigail was having an affair with your father?“

"No, I didn’t know. I only found out after the trial started.”

"So how did your lawyer know to look at Abigail’s bank records?“

"I don’t know! My father must have told her!”

"Are you sure you didn’t already know about their affair? Is that why you raped her?“

"Ask my lawyer, Miss Myles, tell them! Tell them you didn’t get those bank statements from me!”

"Your Honor!“ Sonny exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Counsel approach” said Barba. Sonny and Molly obeyed. “Miss Myles, how did you obtain this evidence?”

"I have a sworn statement from my client’s father stating his activities and the payments that were made to Miss Austin. He is ready and available for cross examination,“ said Molly smugly.

"Do you think that will be necessary Mr. Carisi? Asked Barba and raised an eyebrow at Sonny.

"The prosecution requests a recess.”

"You know the rules Mr. Carisi,“ said Barba apologetically, "I’m afraid I can’t allow that.”

"Then we accept the defendant’s written testimony for the record.“

"You may step back.” Said Barba. He allowed Sonny and Molly to return to their seats before he raised his voice to address the court. “Please enter the Defendant’s Father’s statement on the record. Does the prosecution have any further questions?”

"No your Honor” said Sonny, looking subdued.

“In that case, the witness is excused.“

* * *

**Fordham Law, Monday 27th April 2015 15.30**

"Are you ready with final arguments?” Barba asked.

"Yes, Your Honor,“ Sonny and Molly both said in unison.

Sonny stood, determined to make a lasting impact on the jury.

"Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to thank you for your attention. Today we are here to discuss the difference between consensual sex and rape. There is a saying that actions speak louder than words. Today, we ask you to judge the defendant, Callum Hayes by his actions, by what he did that night, not by what he said today in this courtroom. His claims today do not match his actions on the day in question. We are a nation with laws, laws that everyone of us must follow.

"We are all accountable for our choices, our actions. We don’t always like being held accountable and don’t always admit to what we have done, but we have to face the consequences of our own actions. Every single one of us.

"The defense has fundamentally put the victim on trial here, implying that she is sexually promiscuous, that she enjoyed rough sex, but that does not justify or excuse rape. We are all entitled to the protection of the law. Including the victim, Abigail. You can see from the hospital photos the damage that was inflicted; no one deserves that. Maybe she hasn’t made choices that you would agree with or even condone, but that does not give the defendant the right to sexually assault her.

"The law says that I must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that on the fourth of February 2015, the defendant entered the home of Abigail Austin and forcibly had sexual intercourse with her. It doesn’t matter what his motive was, just that the assault occurred base on the evidence. That is that happened and that is why I would ask you to find him accountable for what he did. And that is rape in the first degree. Thank you.”

As Sonny returned to his seat he passed Molly, they smiled at each other; their competition had reverted back to their old camaraderie.

"Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It’s been a long day, so I will not ask for much more of your time on this case. I would however like to point out that Mr. Carisi’s argument is flawed. He was not present on the night in question, neither was the judge or any of the twelve of you present to witness this alleged assault. The only people who were present and know what actually happened are my client, Callum Hayes and his girlfriend, Abigail Austin. Now we have testimony, not only from Callum, but from several other partners who will confirm that Abigail indeed liked to engage in rough intercourse and will testify to her promiscuity.

"My client faces a serious offense. He is charged with a violent crime. However, the prosecution has not fulfilled their responsibility to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Callum Hayes is guilty. They are unable to find a witness to corroborate Abigail’s claims and the evidence they have supplied does not outright prove the absence of consent. Hold the state to its burden. A conviction in this case would be a travesty. Do the right thing, find my client not guilty.”

* * *

**Fordham Law, Monday 27th April 2015 17.00**

Barba turned his attention to the jury. "Will the jury foreperson please stand? Has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?”

"We have, your Honor.“

Professor Harvey took the piece of paper with the written verdict and looked at it, without any change in his expression, he handed the paper over to Barba.

Sonny felt like he was watching it play out in slow motion, he felt droplets of perspiration dripping from the back of his neck, his heart pounding against his chest. He clenched his fists, how long did it take to read one little phrase? He looked at Barba’s face, but Barba is the master of impassivity and gave Sonny no indication of the verdict. Finally he said "what say you?”

"We the jury, on the count of rape in the first degree, find the defendant Callum Hayes, not guilty.“

Sonny sat motionless in his chair, staring at the jury but not really seeing them. He had felt so sure of himself, he’d seen Barba breeze through cases just like this one. This case should have been a slam-dunk, I work for SVU, I know my theory back to front, I am better than most of the people in this class.

"The defendant is free to go,” said Barba. He looked at the young detective. Carisi needs to slow down, check his facts more thoroughly. He has good instincts but his exuberance is going to be his downfall, thought Barba. “The jury is thanked and excused. Court is adjourned.”

There was silence in the room. Professor Harvey stepped forward and started clapping, while the rest of the class follow suit.

"Right kids, that’s enough for today, let’s thank our judge for giving up his time. I will see you all again at the end of the week so we can discuss today’s events in further detail. Your assignment is to make thorough notes because I want an opinion from each of you!”

* * *

**Fordham Law, Monday 27th April 2015 18.30**

Rafael put on his cream coat, catching a glimpse of himself in reflective surface of a window. I really wish Carisi would stop trying to emulate me, he thought to himself as he remembered that Sonny had something extremely similar. He felt his pockets, searching for his phone; he had turned it off at the start of mock court. Heaven only knew how many messages there would be that would require his attention. He felt panic slowly rising, as each place he patted did not reveal the presence of his trusty blackberry. Then it hit him, a mental image of his phone lying on the judge’s desk popped into his mind.

Barba ventured into the classroom in search of his phone, which was lying untouched on the judge’s table. He grabbed it and scrolled through the annoyingly long list of unread messages. Can’t anyone do anything without my help?

His train of thought was broken by a creaking sound, Barba noticed a dejected looking Sonny sitting alone at the back of the room reading a law book. He hasn’t heard Barba come in. Sonny was, lost in deep thought. Barba considered leaving but he took pity on the clearly crestfallen Carisi. He cleared his throat, causing Sonny to startle.

Barba walked over to him and sits on a nearby desk. "You did a good job today.”

Sonny’s face flushed. “No I didn’t, I could have won. I should have won.”

"SVU; it’s the only unit where the victim’s word isn’t good enough. You still have a lot to learn Carisi, this was just a step in the right direction,“ placated Barba.

Sonny mumbled something under his breath, which to Barba, sounded suspiciously like "you would have won.”

"Prosecuting these cases aren’t about winning Carisi, it’s your job to speak for the victim, you should know that by now,“ Barba said as he pushed himself off the desk. Barba turned and walked across the classroom, leaving Sonny feeling slightly ashamed.

Half way across the floor he looked back at Sonny and smirked, "And yes, I would have won,” before he waltzed out of the door.


	39. Road Trip

I’m surprised we arrived in Long Island in one piece to be honest. Raf was prosecuting a pedophilia ring that the squad had tracked down. The main witness was a young boy who had been reunited with this parents and currently resided in Long Island. The parents had agreed to let the boy testify, but wouldn’t come down to the city for trial prep. Liv had told us that we’d have to drive up. Raf had been less than thrilled. I’d laughed, until she told me that I’d have to go too.

“Priti, Liam’s parents requested that you go too. He is nervous about testifying and he feels comfortable with you and they thought it would be a big help if you were there.”

Raf had given me the smuggest look until Liv had said that Sonny would be the one accompanying us. Raf had actually groaned out loud.

Sonny and I took it in turns to drive, while Raf sat in the back. He always expected to be chauffeured everywhere! Sonny flicked on the radio and soon the two of us were belting out Vanessa Carlton at the top of our voices. I glanced back at Rafael in the rear view mirror, he was looking out of the window and rolled his eyes. I turned around to look at him, Sonny who saw me looked at Raf in the mirror and shouted over the radio, “got any requests Barba?”

Rafael closed his eyes in disgust and put his head in his hands. Sonny and I laughed and continued singing.

When we arrived and parked the car, we all piled out and Sonny said cheerily, “we should do that more often!”

As we walked up the drive, Raf grabbed by elbow and whispered gruffly in my ear, “not on your life.”

I hid my grin as the parents answered the front door.


	40. To Family

“It would have been easier to get an Uber,” Raf conplained as we looked for a space to park outside Liv’s apartment. She was having a little party since Noah’s adoption had been finalized.

“It’s okay we still have that parking permit. When does it expire again? The 21st of May?”

“That’s tomorrow.”

“It’s the 20th. Already?”

“Yup.”

I couldn’t quite put my finger on why, but I felt a little unsettled.

* * *

Fin raised his glass. “To family,” he toasted.

Raf slipped his arm around my waist as everyone clinked glasses. “To family!”

I smiled as I looked at everyone around the room and pretended to take a sip of champagne from my glass. I hoped that no one would notice that none of my celebratory drink had not disappeared.

I caught Sonny’s eye and he looked at me quizzically. _Oh crap!_ I knew Raf wouldn’t notice, he’d already had 2 glasses of scotch and the champagne had definitely dulled his observational skills.

As everyone took a seat around the dinner table. I popped into the kitchen with the excuse of grabbing an extra plate for the table. I tipped my champagne down the sink as quietly as possible and put the glass on the side. I turned around quickly to grab a plate only to find myself face to face with Sonny.

“I thought you might like some help with those plates,” Sonny smirked at me knowingly but didn’t broach the subject. I was grateful.

After dinner, Nick said he was tired, so he and Amanda took off early. Fin and Lucy left soon after, leaving Liv and Raf having an intense discussion at the dinner table. Sonny and I wandered away with little Noah, who wanted to play.

“So I guess congratulations are in order,” Sonny said suddenly in a hushed tone.

“What?” I was surprised and immediately went as red as a tomato.

“You’re pregnant, right? That’s why you didn’t drink the champagne.”

“Actually I don’t know.” I sighed and kept my voice low. “I’m late. 2 weeks late.”

“You haven’t done a test?”

“No,” I whispered.

“Why not?”

“Because it only just occurred to me on the way here!”

Sonny raised his eyebrows, “you didn’t realize for two whole weeks?”

“Sonny, my life doesn’t exactly revolve around my period.”

Sonny raised both his hands up in an ‘I don’t know’ gesture.

“I’ll just do a blood test tomorrow.” I said putting a block on top of the tower Noah had just built. He whined at me angrily for interfering. “You’re just like your mother, you know that, don’t you?” I scolded him playfully.

After a brief pause, Sonny started up with the questions again. “So how do you feel about it?”

“You know nothing has changed in the last 5 seconds. I still don’t _know_ if I am actually pregnant.”

“But if you were?”

I glanced over at Rafael, who was still deep in conversation. “You’ve seen the way he is with Noah. I don’t know if he’d he happy about it.

“I think he would surprise you. Under all that gruff exterior, he’s a big softie.”

“You do have a point.” I smiled.

“Priti, not everyone instinctively knows how to be a parent, or have a talent for it, or anything for that matter. But if you love something enough and are willing to work hard at it, anyone can be great.”

“Like you and SVU?” I laughed and playfully punched Sonny on the arm. Noah copied me.

“Well it seems your parenting skills may be a little questionable, seeing as you’re teaching a toddler to throw punches.”

“Hit him again, Noah.”

Noah obliged and laughed happily.

“Have you two even talked about this?”

I looked down and shook my head.

Sonny looked incredulous. “You didn’t discuss this before you got married?”

“I would have married him either way. I think I just thought it would have been easier to deal with it if we were already married. You know, no options, no dilemma, no choices.”

“I’m not sure that’s the best policy.”

“Great deductive work, Nancy Drew.”

Sonny smiled at me, then down at Noah who had crawled into my lap and fallen asleep in mere moments.

Liv appeared suddenly. “Little man’s had a big day, it’s time for bed.”

“And time for us to go too I think.” I said.

“Probably best, your husband is making quick work of my scotch.” Liv laughed.

* * *

 

The next morning I asked Rafael if he could be home as early as possible because I wanted to spend some quality time with my husband. I didn’t want him to spend all day worrying, which I knew he would if I’d said that there was something we needed to discuss.

I went to work and asked a colleague to draw my blood and put the results in a sealed envelope for me.

I skipped out of the lab mid afternoon, we were up to date with running DNA samples and I was working myself up knowing that the beta-HCG test in my bag was waiting for me.

I went home and whipped up a nice dinner for Raf, knowing that he was always famished after work. He arrived incredibly early, by his usual standards, but I was already going out of my mind with impatience. He dropped his briefcase and wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his lips against mine, humming slightly. It was clear what was on his mind and currently, it was the furthest thing from mine. “Raf, we need to talk,” I said a little harshly.

“What is it cariño?” His expression changed from contentment to worried and upset in a second.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so abrupt. I just…” I sighed, I had been so distracted with what the results of the test would be, that I hadn’t thought about how to broach the subject with Rafael. “How do you feel about kids?” I closed my eyes in dismay, immediately after the words popped out.  _Wow, that was real smooth._

“What do you mean?”

“You know, those little humans that run around causing havoc.”

“I think you just about summed up my opinion.”

“Would you feel any different if that little human was made of half of you and half of me?”

“Priti, what are you saying?”

“Do you want to make babies with me?”

“I…” he hesitated. My eyes filled with tears rapidly and I turned my head away to hide my feelings. “Priti,” Rafael grabbed my shoulders and turned me back towards him. “I want nothing more than to have a child with you.”

“Really?” I whispered, still feeling worried.

“Yes,” one word said with such conviction, put all my fears to rest. I buried my face in his chest and relaxed. Raf moved his hands around my back and then further down, stopping when he felt the envelope in my back pocket. He pulled it out and asked, “what’s this?”

“Yeah, about that. So my period is two weeks late.”

His eyes widened.

“I wasn’t sure if I was, so I did a blood test. I don’t know the results yet. Can you open it?”

Rafael looked down at the envelope, fingers fumbling, he ripped it open, tearing part of the document inside. I bit my lip anxiously and he apologized profusely trying to put it back together.

“What does it say?” I cried impatiently.

I tried to read Raf’s expression, but he just looked utterly baffled. “Priti, I have no idea what this means.”

I grabbed the two half of the document and looked at the result. It said my beta HCG level was less than 5mIU/ml. Negative. I won’t lie, I was disappointed.

“I’m assuming from the look on your face that you’re not pregnant.”

I shook my head sadly.

Raf took my hands and smiled, “it’s okay, we have a great opportunity this evening to try make one!”

I giggled as he led the way to our bedroom.


	41. Stress Management

Rafael stormed into the squad room. “Twelve hours after Rudnick posts bail, a potential prosecution witness is found in pieces with the morning tide?”

“We’re well aware of the problem.” Liv followed him across the room as Raf practically threw a fit.

“Counselor.” Amanda said quietly.

“Where the hell is he?” Raf spat his words at her.

“This is all we know, okay?” Amanda tried to placate him. “He was last seen posting bond at 8:00 p.m. last night.”

“Uber driver confirms dropping him off at his Harlem town house.” Sonny interjected. “So, sometime between last night and this morning, he goes to Susie Frain’s apartment, he dismembers her, he bags the body, dumps her in the water at Fort Tilden, and then he disappears.”

“We’ve got a BOLO out on his car, his credit, his bank cards. So far, no hits.” Amanda explained.

“No sightings, no traffic cams. Does everyone know he dresses in drag?” Raf was sounding desperate.

* * *

 

“We’ve alerted state troopers and the FBI.” Liv informed him

“Oh, they already know. The ME’s office, the mayor’s office, the people in my office, people are falling over themselves to point fingers.” Raf was practically falling over himself with trying to get his words out.

“Okay, I get it. It’s a mess, all right? No leave, no vacation, no…”

“Just…” Rafael held out his finger and stopped Liv abruptly. “Yes, I’ll hold for the governor,” he said into his phone. "Find him,” he said pleadingly to Olivia.

“Okay,” she said simply as he walked away.

“Wow! Somebody needs a vacation.” Sonny blurted out as soon as Rafi was out of earshot

“You can’t blame him. I mean, the guy jumps bail, and then he kills our witness.”

* * *

 

 

Sighing, I pushed my laptop away, as though I was metaphorically pushing away the thoughts swirling around my head. I let my head drop back on the sofa and droop over to one side, and in doing so, I caught sight of a photo on the wall. The photo of Rafi and I, where he has his arms wrapped around me and his face buried in my hair. I will never forget that moment, Noah’s adoption party, Raf had already had a few glasses of scotch and had come over and whispered something in my ear and we had both laughed. Sonny had secretly caught it on camera, choosing to send it to me a few days later. Raf had been annoyed, I loved it, so much that I had it printed and framed, much to Raf’s chagrin. Looking at the photo made me suddenly miss my husband. The tenderness in that moment extinguished my irritation as the feelings from that moment flooded my mind and my heart. So, without giving it much further thought, I grabbed my keys and drove to his office

* * *

 

 

I slipped into Raf’s office quietly, thankful the blinds were already closed, I locked the door, hoping to get some private time with Raf. He was on the phone with the governor and didn’t sound happy at all, but waved me over.

“Yes sir, we are doing everything possible to catch Dr Rudnik...Yes sir, I understand that you are holding me personally responsible for his actions...Yes sir, of course I’ll keep you informed. Goodbye.” Raf hung up the phone, put his face in his hands and groaned.

I put my hand on his back and rubbed it gently. I could feel the tension and knots in his muscles, so I used both my hands to massage his shoulders,  kneading my thumbs in a circular motion to release the tension in his neck. Rafael moaned approvingly and I could feel some of the tension falling away. I moved around to his front and slid into his lap. I put my hands on his face, lightly tracing and caressing the familiar outlines, placing gentle kisses on his lips. I could feel the beginnings of his arousal, which spurred me to deepen my kisses.

We had been lip locked for about 5 minutes when Raf pulled away suddenly. “Priti, we shouldn’t be doing this.”

My face fell.

“Hey, don’t look like that. It’s just...someone might walk in.” Rafael tried to justify his reasons for stopping.

“Door’s locked. Carmen is going to tell everyone you’re not here.”

“Oh?” he raised an eyebrow.

I smirked and leaned back in for another kiss, which was reciprocated rather enthusiastically. I let my hands roam all over his front, then up and down his the legs of his suit pants, slowly grazing along his groin before climbing off his lap.

Rafael whined quietly at the loss of contact. I laughed and pushed his chair backwards and dropped to my knees in front of him. His eyes widened and pupils dilated as he realized my intentions. As I unzipped his fly, I felt the pressure of his cock, eager to be freed from his boxers. As I pulled down at his underwear, it sprang forward, already hardening from our brief contact. I grasped the base and slowly stroked one hand up and down the shaft. I wanted to make sure that he was really relaxed by end of my visit.

I tugged at his pants and Raf obligingly lifted himself off the chair so I could remove them completely, letting them fall to his ankles. Moving to his balls, I slowly massaged them with one hand and continued to move my hand firmly along his length.

I ran my tongue all the way from the base to his tip, making Raf grip the arm rests on his chair with anticipation. He was completely hard now, small drops of precum glistening at his tip. I couldn’t resist the urge to lick them away, tasting his salt on my tongue. I took him into my mouth, swirling my tongue around his tip in a way which I knew drove him crazy. I smiled as I saw him bite down on his lower lip to keep from moaning too loudly.

I sucked harder as his dick slid farther down my throat and Raf began to writhe in pleasure, his hips bucking involuntarily. As I pushed on them with both hands, taking back control, I felt his cock begin to throb and tense in my mouth and I knew he was ready. I pulled back and sucked him harder and faster, working my hands where my mouth didn’t reach.

Rafael left out a small cry of pleasure as he climaxed and released himself into my mouth. I moaned quietly, letting him know that I was enjoying the taste and his cock shuddered a second time as it continued to empty itself in my mouth. When he was finally done, I gently pulled him from my mouth and swallowed his gift.

Rafael bend forwards and kissed me, knowing he could taste himself on my tongue. “Thank you cariño.”

I smiled, “The pleasure was all mine.”


	42. Birthday Surprises (Part I)

“So I have a surprise for you!” Raf put his arm around my waist.

I turned over in bed and snuggled further into his arms. I smiled broadly and asked rather excitedly, “Oh! What is it?”

He placed his bare calf over mine and started rubbing it up and down. “It’s a surprise,” he whispered conspiratorially.

“Is it sex?”

Raf laughed, “when is sex ever a surprise for us?”

“Fair point,” I giggled. “So what is it?”

“Just you wait!” He sang the lyric from Alexander Hamilton softly. “It’s for your birthday!”

I loved it when he made references to my favourite musical! I have to admit, I was, actually still am, mildly obsessed with the show. Unfortunately tickets are hard to come by, so I was happy to settle for entering the lottery now and again and singing along to the soundtrack as often as I could.

“But don’t say no to this!” I responded. My new favorite game was to try and hold a reasonable conversation entirely using lyrics from the soundtrack.

“Are you willing to wait for it?”

“Raf, you can’t just change the lyrics to suit…” I didn’t have the chance to finish scolding him for breaking the rules, because his mouth was on mine.

“I’m keeping the bed warm while her husband is away.” Rafael mumbled through kisses.

 

* * *

 

“Raf! RAF!” I screamed into the apartment as I slammed the door shut and flung my bag across the floor. “Rafael Barba! Where are you?”

“I’m right here!” His voice behind me made me jump. In my excitement I hadn’t noticed him standing by the fridge.

I took a deep breath and sighed, taking a moment to regain my composure, the excitement and surprise had given me palpitations.

“What’s got you so worked up, cariño?”

“Guess what Raf?”

“What?” Rafael smiled,

“I won Rafi! I won the lottery! The Hamilton lottery! We have tickets!”

“Oh,” Raf responded, less than enthusiastically. “That’s great.”

“Raf, I thought you’d be excited. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I am excited. Hamilton is a great show.” Rafael smiled his half smile that he knew I loved, but it didn’t reach his eyes. I could tell his ‘nothing’ was something.

“Raf, come on, you need to tell me if I did something to upset you.” I looked up at him pleadingly. I reached out for his hand, knowing that if he took mine, I still had a chance to rectify the problem before the show.

He took it.

“Priti, it’s fine, let’s get ready and go. You don’t want to miss any of your favorite  
show, do you?”

“Is this because of the Hamilton tickets? Because I didn’t ask before I applied for the lottery?”

“No,” Rafael shook his head emphatically, “Priti, you don’t need my permission to do things like that. It’s just…” He tailed off, not finishing his sentence.

“It’s just?”

Rafael let go of my hand and walked out of the room. I was baffled and started to feel very anxious about what was going on. After a couple of seconds I followed, finding Rafael in the study. He was rummaging through some files in his desk drawer and pulled out an envelope. He handed it to me silently, a sad look on his face.

“What’s this?” I asked, already tearing open the envelope.

He still didn’t answer, just nodded at the envelope.

I managed to free the contents and let them spill onto the desk. They were Hamilton tickets, front row Hamilton tickets! And backstage passes! The tickets were dated the same day as my birthday.

I’m not sure how long I stared at the tickets on the table, eventually reaching out to see if they were just a figment of my imagination. I picked up one of the passes, I ran my fingers gently around the edges and across the embossed writing on the front. My eyes slowly filled with tears. I looked up at Rafael’s face and smiled, tears streamed down my face. I opened my mouth but I couldn’t find the words to express how I was feeling at that moment.

_I can’t believe he got me Hamilton tickets for my birthday! How did he do it? Front row tickets AND backstage passes! How much did it cost? How is it even possible? I love that he knows me so well!_

“Rafi,” I whispered, “this is amazing. Thank you.”

“If you’d rather go today, we can still do that. I’m sure I can find someone else who wants the tickets.” He said, putting the passes back into the torn envelope.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” I shrieked, snatching the envelope back and clutching it tightly to my chest. “We’re going!”

“To which one?”

“Both, silly!” I jumped up and down, laughed and kissed Rafael. “This is the best gift I’ve ever gotten. Thank you Rafi. I love you so much!”

For the first time, Raf smiled. “I love you too.”

“You don’t mind going twice, do you?”

“Priti, I’d go anywhere with you.”


	43. Patience (Part I)

“Sonny you didn’t have to come all the way down here! I would have called you when it was ready.” I was sitting at my laptop in the medical examiner’s lab setting up a DNA analysis of the possible suspects in an open investigation. The team was investigating the rape and murder of a 14 year old girl, Grace Chen. We had found different sets of DNA and the team was scrambling to narrow down a list of suspects.

“Lieu sent me. Mr Chen is causing a ruckus in the precinct. Poor man, I don’t wanna think about how he must be feeling. And on top of it all, we can’t even give him any information on the progress of our investigation, because we don’t have any yet.” Sonny said frustratedly.

“Sonny I’m sorry, really I’m going as fast as I can. I just want to be as accurate as possible. There is such a huge risk of cross contamination because there are so many samples here.”

Sonny put his hand on my arm gently. “Hey,” he said consolingly, “I didn’t mean to put this on you. I know you always work really hard. You do a great job, ya know that, right?”

I smiled at Sonny, appreciative of his kind words and acknowledgement. “Thanks Sonny. You’re not so bad yourself.” I punched him playfully on the arm and we grinned at each other.

* * *

 

The DNA programme on the computer bleeped, signalling that it was ready to start it’s analysis. I sighed and said “this is going to take a while, want some coffee?”

“Sure.”

We got up and crossed the lab to the small kitchette section reserved for the always-in-demand beverages. I poured out some coffee for Sonny and was in the process of making myself some tea when we heard the door slam loudly. We both jumped and turned around to find ourselves staring down the barrel of a gun.

The man behind the gun was an angry looking Chinese man, who looked to be in his early 50s. I presumed he was the victim’s father. Sonny confirmed my suspicions, “Mr Chen! What are you doing?”

I had no idea what was happening, _why was the victim’s father here? More importantly, why did he have a gun?_ I was acutely aware that my phone was sitting next to my computer, on the other side of the lab.

“Put your hands in the air! Now!” Mr Chen demanded.

I complied immediately. Sonny followed in suit, albeit reluctantly. “Mr Chen, sir, what are you doing?” he asked.

“Shut up Detective, and keep your hands in the air where I can see them, or I’ll kill her.” He pointed his gun at me menacingly.

Sonny did as he was told. I could sense him edging closer to me. My eyes darted around wildly, looking for a means of escape from this situation. Mr Chen walked backwards to the entrance of the lab and locked the door, not taking his eyes off Sonny for more than a few seconds. He had now cut off any means of escape for us.

“Mr Chen, you don’t have to do this.” Sonny tried to talk to the man again.

“Detective, this is the only way I am going to get any answers. Now I want you to put your gun on the floor and kick it over to me. Slowly!”

“Is this really what you want me to do?” Sonny asked quietly, disappointment in his voice.

“Do as I say, Detective.”

Sonny took his gun from its holster and unloaded it slowly and in clear view for Mr Chen to see. He then placed the two parts on the floor and slid them over to Mr Chen. Now that Sonny was disarmed, he turned his attention to me.

“Are you the medical examiner investigating my daughter’s case?” Mr Chen asked me.

I nodded silently, too afraid to speak.

“I need you to tell me who is responsible for my daughter’s murder,” he demanded.

“Mr Chen,” Sonny interceded, “our team is fully investigating your daughter’s death. I won’t pretend I understand the pain you must be experiencing right now but I want to tell you that SVU has only your daughter’s interest at heart. We are going to do everything in our power to catch the person who did this to her.”

“Best interests?” Mr Chen spat the words at Sonny. “Her best interests? Grace has no interests! She’s dead!”

“And I’m so sorry for your loss, Mr Chen. Please tell me if there is anything I can do for you right now?”

“You can tell her to give me DNA results. I want the name of the man who did this to Grace.”

“Mr Chen, Dr Halliwell doesn’t have an answer for you yet. We haven’t finished analyzing the results yet.”

“But you have time to have a cup of coffee?” Mr Chen sounded hysterical. He waved the gun around as he shouted. “I want to know those results!”

I barely registered what happened next. Sonny lunged towards me as I heard a loud bang. I was knocked to the floor and Sonny’s dead weight landed on top of me. I felt dazed. “Sonny,” I called out. “Sonny get off me. For someone so lanky, you weigh a tonne.” I pushed him and got no response, so I put my hand on his abdomen and rolled him off my legs. As I took my hand away, I noticed it felt warm and wet and it was covered in a bright red viscous fluid. _Where did this blood come from? Nothing hurts that badly._ I glanced over at Sonny’s still limp form and to my horror, I watched as his pristinely pressed shirt was slowly being soaked with blood.

“Sonny!” I cried out. “Sonny, open your eyes.” To my intense relief, he did. For the first time, I truly understood why doctors are advised against treating their friends and family. In my state of panic and fear, my mind felt blank, all my senses felt numb and I could only focus on the fact that my friend had been shot and could bleed to death in front of me.

What brought me back to reality was Sonny calling my name. He sounded so unlike himself; quiet, unsure and afraid. “What’s happening?” he muttered.

I realized that I wasn’t doing anything to stop the bleeding, so I slapped my hands over his abdomen and pressed down hard. I tried to reassure him that everything was going to alright. “It’s okay Sonny, everything is going to be okay, I promise.” I looked over at Mr Chen to see what he would do next. He stood frozen in place with a look of horror on his face.

I turned my attention back to Sonny. It was becoming abundantly clear that my hands weren’t efficiently controlling the bleeding. I ripped open his shirt, popping several buttons in the process.

Sonny frowned at me. “I liked this shirt.”

I laughed. “I’ll buy you a new one when we get out of here.” I peered at Sonny’s blood soaked abdomen, trying to find the bullet entry wound. When I identified the arterial blood flow, I plugged it using my fingers and Sonny cried out in pain.

“Oh God, Sonny, I’m so sorry.” I pushed harder to tamponade the blood loss. Sonny squirmed and whimpered slightly. I couldn’t stop the tears falling from my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Is he going to be alright?” Mr Chen asked. He looked torn between concern for Sonny’s welfare and the consequences for his own actions.

“Mr Chen, you have to let us leave.”

“You’re a doctor, why can’t you help him?”

“Mr Chen please, Detective Carisi needs to be in a hospital. Please let us go.” I was on my knees begging for my friend’s life.

“You can’t leave, you haven’t told me what I want to know.”

“Mr Chen, I can’t give you information that I don’t have. I swear, if I knew, we would have stopped the man.”

Mr Chen was silent, he clearly had no idea what to do next and was stalling for time.

Suddenly the sharp tone of the lab phone pierced the tense silence in the room. Mr Chen looked at it puzzled. “Who is that?” he asked.

“It’s probably the police. You just fired a gun in a government building, Mr Chen. It’s not like it was going to go unnoticed.”

“Answer it,” he demanded.

“I can’t move my hand otherwise Detective Carisi is going to start bleeding again.”

“Mr Chen,” Sonny spoke up, “please answer the phone.” His voice was hoarse and sounded tired. “The building is surrounded, you can’t leave. You have to answer the phone.” Sonny closed his eyes, the effort of talking seemed to have exhausted him. This worried me since the bullet had entered just where his spleen was and I suspected that he was bleeding internally.

I put my hand on his forehead and ran my fingers through his hair, or rather over it! There was way too much product in there to get my fingers in it! “Hang in there Sonny, we’re going to get out of here soon, trust me.”

“Of course I do, you’re a doctor.” I chuckled at his little joke.

The phone was still ringing, Mr Chen’s hand hovered above the receiver.

“Please, Mr Chen.” I pleaded one more time.

I sighed as he picked up the phone and answered it. I kept my eyes on him as he had a conversation with someone on the other end of the phone, a negotiator or maybe even Amanda. It was difficult to keep my attention on his speech, he was talking quietly and Sonny had started clutching at my arm.

“Hey, what’s going on?” I asked him gently.

“Priti,” I leaned in closer to hear him better becasue he was panting slightly. “Can you tell my family…”

I knew he was trying to say goodbye and I wasn’t accepting it. “No Sonny, _you_ can talk to them. I’ll call them once we get out of here. I bet Anna wants to see her Uncle Sonny. You can tell her how much you love her when you see her, okay? Sonny?”

Sonny nodded.

I looked up in time to see Mr Chen put down the phone and his gun. I felt my heart pounding and everything that happened next seemed to happen in slow motion. Mr Chen unlocked the lab door and a swat team came bursting into the room, followed by Liv, Fin and Amanda.

A team of paramedics took over taking care of Sonny. Liv pulled me away from him but all I could do was look at Sonny’s pale face. He had slipped into unconsciousness and he looked so young.

“Priti!” Liv shook me to get my attention. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Liv was looking at me with a lot of concern.

I looked down at myself and realized that I was covered in blood. “I’m fine. It’s all Sonny’s.” I was feeling tearful again. We watched as Mr Chen was led out of the lab in handcuffs, followed by Sonny in a stretcher, Amanda holding his hand.

“Cariño?” A familiar voice brought my attention back to the scene. I looked up to find Rafael’s arms around me, he was feeling me all over, to make sure I wasn’t hurt.

“Oh Rafi.” I completely broke down in his arms. He held me tightly, for once he didn’t seem concerned that blood was staining his immaculate suit.

When I stopped crying, he said, “come, let’s go to the hospital. We can see how Carisi is doing.”

I nodded and he led me to Liv’s car. She was waiting to drive us to the hospital.

“Bella! I need to call Bella. We need to call Sonny’s family. They need to be at the hospital.”

“I’ll call Carmen,” Raf said, “she should have Bella’s contact details.”

I let Raf take over, letting my mind shut down, blacking out the crushing anxiety and fear that was threatening to overwhelm me. He guided me out of the car and into the waiting room outside the operating theater where Sonny was having an emergency partial splenectomy to control his internal bleeding.

We waited for what felt like hours. Bella burst into the waiting room, Raf had very kindly called her. Tommy was in toe red-faced and puffing with exertion, their infant daughter in his arms.

I stood up, my legs feeling like jelly. “Bella.”

“Priti, what happened?” She stared at my blood stained clothes. Rafael had taken me to the restroom and washed my hands and the blood from my face, but nothing could be done about my attire.

“Bella, I’m so sorry.” Tears started running down my face again, “I’m sorry, this is all my fault.”

Olivia came over quickly, she looked horrified by what I’d just said. “Bella, I’m so sorry about what happened to Sonny. He was trying to stop someone hurting Priti. He is a hero.”

I knew what Liv was trying to say, but I felt sick. I couldn’t stand the thought that my best friend might die because he was trying to protect me.

Just at that moment, the surgeon emerged from the OR and everyone turned to him. “Could I speak with Detective Carisi’s family please?”

“I’m his sister.” Bella grabbed my hand and dragged me with to speak with Dr Adeola.

“Detective Carisi is doing surprisingly well. He lost a lot of blood, but luckily Dr Halliwell here was able to manage that really well. I’m sure its what saved his life.” He smiled at me. “He is a fighter, barring any unforeseen complications, I’m sure that Detective Carisi will make a full recovery.”

Bella laughed and hugged Dr Adeola and then me before turning away to call her parents and sisters. I turned back to Raf and the squad and smiled at them. “He is going to be alright.”

I sank back into the chair and melted into his arms. I felt emotionally drained but relieved and happy. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have such brave friends and a loving husband. I drifted off to sleep in Rafael’s arms while we waited for Sonny to wake up.

[@sonnyvictimsunit](https://tmblr.co/mQ4vT4lHJl33lXakuPNNfnQ)


	44. Conflicts

“Why are being so hard on him?” I asked Olivia. She was standing facing her desk, looking for a file under a pile of paperwork. She had just stopped ranting about Raf’s actions against the three police officers who had shot and killed poor Terence Reynolds.

“Barba is pushing for an indictment on 3 innocent police officers who were just doing their jobs. What about that sounds right to you?” Liv turned and asked angrily.

“Liv, Raf isn’t the one who pushed to have that go through, he is being pressured by City Hall and the DA!”

“Barba is his own man, he can think for himself, he doesn’t have to go ahead with the indictment.”

“Oh come on Olivia, don’t give me that holier than thou attitude. Rafael doesn’t have the luxury to pick and chose the cases he prosecutes and you damn well know that.” Her attitude was starting to annoy me.

“Well these officers are being unfairly targeted just so that the mayor has someone to blame. They have no idea what its like being out there, putting our lives at risk. Those officers could quite easily have been shot or killed in the line of duty, what would happen to their families? Their children? Those officers did what they had to do to protect themselves and their own.”

“And you will say whatever you have to to protect your own. Even if it means throwing Rafael under the bus.”

“If you look closely, I think you’ll find that he is the one betraying our trust.”

“How so?”

Liv looked like she was going to say something but thought better of it. After a moment she sighed and said, “Priti, you’ve seen what its like for us out there. How many times do we get shot at, I’ve had my neck sliced open, Elliott was shot in the chest, Nick was shot in the knee, Amanda, Fin, Munch, we’ve all suffered because of this job. What would happen to Noah if those guys weren’t out there for me, watching my back?”

“Thirty five times?” I asked quietly.

“What?”

“They shot that boy thirty five times. You can’t tell me you believe that it was the right thing to do.”

“It may not have been what I would have done, but I wasn’t there. And neither were you!”

“I get it, heat of the situation, fear is blinding, your instincts to protect yourself is strong. But something about what happened that night doesnt feel right. And isn’t that the point of this investigation? To make sure something like this doesn’t happen again?”

“It’s not the right way.”

“Yeah, well it is what it is.”

Liv scoffed derisively. “You sound exactly like Barba.”

“He is my partner, someone has to watch his back. At one time, I thought he had you.”

Liv’s eyes widened a little before she looked away. She walked around her desk, sat down in her chair and put her head in her hands. “So how does this affect us?”

I walked over and sat on the edge of her desk and took her hand. “Liv you know I love you, that’s never going to change, even if we disagree. I hope you understand though that Rafael needs me right now, I have to be there for him. He’s getting a lot of pressure from a lot of people right now. I won’t just abandon him.” I squeezed Liv’s hand. “Please tell me you get that?”

Olivia smiled back at me and nodded. “I just wish it were different.”

“Me too.” I whispered. “I should probably get back to work.” I got up and walked to the door. My hand lingered on the knob for a moment before I turned back to Liv and said, “Liv, you know that, God forbid, if anything did happen to you, Raf and I would take care of Noah.”

Olivia laughed, “thanks Priti, I know that. I just think that you might have to teach Barba a thing or two about kids though.”

I smiled, “I think he would surprise you. See you later.”


	45. Let It Go

“Have you asked Raf about shadowing him sometime?” I looked down at Sonny while I hung off the climbing wall with just my hands.

“Put your foot over to the right just a little more.” Sonny called up to me. He was stood at the bottom, rope in hand, ready to catch my weight if I fell.

I fumbled around with my foot until it was securely attached to a hold before speaking again. “So? Have you?”

“Why don’t you concentrate on making it to the top of that wall instead of giving me advice on how get my law degree.”

“Sonny Carisi, I’m perfectly capable of multitasking, thank you very maah…” I started scolding but stopped abruptly as my foot slipped off the wall where it was resting.

“Careful up there!”

I took a deep breath and pulled myself up to the top of the wall. “Chill out, it’s not like you’re going to let me fall! Are you?”

Sonny rolled his eyes, not that I could see him do it from my height, but I knew he did. He and Raf were pretty similar in that way, I could always sense the eye roll without needing to look at their faces.

“Of course I wouldn’t let you fall!” Sonny sounded a little put out.

“Good, now bring me down, sailor!”

Sonny slowly let out the rope and lowered me to the floor. As soon as my feet touched the floor, I rounded on him. “So are you going to talk to Raf?”

Sonny closed his eyes and looked up at the heavens, as though praying for patience. “Priti, I have no need to ask Barba if I can shadow him. I know perfectly well what his answer is going to be.”

“Sonny, you really don’t know until you’ve tried,” I said as I pulled the rope out of his hands and undid the knot he was struggling with.

“I’m pretty sure Barba thinks I’m some … uncouth idiot.” Sonny took the rope from my hands without looking at my face. He looked embarrassed by the fears he had just expressed.

“He doesn’t _think_ you’re an idiot, even though he _treats_ you like one.”

“Oh that’s reassuring!” Sonny said sarcastically.

“And there is nothing uncouth about your attire nowadays.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, you used to look like a …” I had been about to say porn star but I wasn’t sure that it would be the nicest thing to say to Sonny. He had such a pure heart, how could I even suggest that to him.

“Like…?” he prompted.

“Raf thinks you are trying to emulate him.” I changed track a little. “So just nod and agree.”

Sonny scoffed, “why would I want to emulate someone who is such a ….” Sonny stopped realizing who he was talking to.

I was grateful for his restraint, but I knew what he had meant to say and it upset me, even though I knew there was a ring of truth there. My feelings were written all over my face; I’d never been any good at hiding how I felt.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s fine,” I cut him off. “It is what it is.” I shrugged. “It’s your turn to climb.”

“You’re not going to drop me from half way up because I’m trash talking about your husband, are you?”

I laughed. “You don’t need any more wounds, plus you took a bullet for me, you’ve always got that card in your back pocket.”

“I’ll keep that in mind!” he said as he started climbing the wall. He climbed the wall I had without any hesitation or difficulty. Benefits of having an extra foot of height to help you reach the top!

“So I’ve got to ask, why the sudden make over after you got to SVU?” I asked as I lowered him back to the floor.

“Truth?” Sonny asked as he reached the floor.

I nodded.

“My sisters said I looked like a pornstar.”

I snorted. “Thank God for sisters!”

“Have you any idea what its like having three sisters?”

“Vaguely.”

Sonny scrunched up his alabaster brow. “What does that mean?”

“Try living with four of them!” I said.

“Wait a minute, you have sisters? How come I’ve never met them? Or you’ve not mentioned them for that matter.” He paused and pondered over my statement. “They weren’t at your wedding, were they?”

“No, they weren’t at the wedding.” I looked down and started fiddling with the loops of my harness.

“Do you not get along with them? Because I totally get that, sometimes I wish I could disown mine, but they keep turning up on my doorstep like bad pennies.” Sonny smiled at me, trying to emphasize, his face saying that he wouldn’t judge me had that been my choice.

_How do I tell him the sad reality of what had really happened? I’ll have to take his bullet myself._

“They died.” I whispered. Letting the information sink in, I watched Sonny’s jovial expression turn to of horror. I hated seeing that on other people’s faces, the pity that came afterwards, the questions that invariably followed. I braced myself for the inevitable questions that never actually came.

“I’m so sorry Priti.” Sonny voice was hushed. He paused and then said something I had not expected. “If you ever want to talk about them, you can always tell me, I’m sure you have some great stories. Am I right, doctor?”

“Like a broken clock.” I giggled remembering that Rafael had once said the same thing and it had been hilarious then too. Sonny rolled his eyes at me again. “Thanks, I really appreciate the offer. I might take you up on it sometime.”

“Anytime.”

“But in the mean time, we really should work on how we’re going to get Raf to let you shadow him!”

“Let it go, just let it go!”

“I’m not giving up on you that easily!”

“And I will always be grateful for that.” I knew Sonny was thinking back to the day when he had been shot. “You know, you still owe me a new shirt!”


	46. New Kid On The Block

I sank back into an empty chair at my favorite cafe with a cup of the most delicious smelling cinnamon tea that I loved. On occasion I treated myself to some alone time, something which was often hard to find with a career like mine. I sat and stared out of the window, lost in thought, only to be startled back to reality by someone sitting down in the chair across from me. It was Mike Dodds, or Doddsie, as I liked to call him only because he seemed to take everything so seriously and looked like he needed some fun.

“Dr Halliwell,” he nodded his head in greeting.

“Hey Doddsie!” I grinned back at him. “How many times do I have to tell you, you can drop the formalities!”

He smiled. “Alight…Priti.”

“See, it really want so hard, was it?”

“No,” he chuckled. It was nice to see that he could smile. Every time I’d seen him walking around the precinct or discussed a case, he seemed to be focussing hard or rather distressed what he had seen.

“So how’s life being the new kid on the block?”

“Pretty much as I expected it. I just do my best to keep a hold of the ropes, try convince people that I’ve earned the right to be there, not just because I’m ‘daddy’s boy.’ I don’t stay long in any department so I’m used to it.” This was all said in a nonchalant matter-of-fact way to make me believe that it really didn’t matter to him, which just convinced me that it really did bother him.

Mike looked down at his coffee, in an effort to avoid my gaze after his little confession, he pulled off the lid added another sachet of sugar and stirred it until I felt a little dizzy from watching the stick go around.

“I hope the squad aren’t treating you too badly.”

“Not at all. Benson seems to have accepted me. Fin seems to resent my presence though. I think Amanda treats everyone with contempt. Carisi is a little more sympathetic to my situation I think.”

I laughed, “Sonny knows what it’s like to be the new kid, he hasn’t been around long.”

“How about you?”

“Me? I’m … old and new.” I explained my previous experiences at SVU.

“Can I ask you something?” Mike asked a little hesitantly.

“Go ahead Doddsie.”

He nodded at the ring on my finger. “You’re married, right?” I nodded. “How do you go home and put everything you see behind you?”

I looked at him sadly, even his short time at Special Victims was affecting him. He seemed to be a much better man than his father. I paused for a moment, thinking of how best to answer his question.

“Well I might not be the best person to answer this question. I do take a lot of it home, it can’t be helped in my situation being married to a prosecutor, but Raf and I try and make time for us, away from all the depravity…”

“Hang on,” Mike interrupted. “Raf? As in Rafael Barba?”

“Yes.”

“You’re married to Barba?” he asked incredulously.

“Aaaaand there goes my faith in your skills as a detective.”

Doddsie’s face was flushed. “I wouldn’t have guessed.”

“Obviously.”

“What’s that like?”

I smirked, “the sex is phenomenal.”

I’m pretty sure there was no deeper shade of red that Mike’s face to turn. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”

I rolled my eyes in a very Raf-like way. “So do you have a significant other?” I asked.

The most beautiful smile just flickered across Mike’s face and he nodded. “Her name is Alice.”

“So are you going to tell me about Alice or am I going to have to interrogate you?”

“She lives in Chicago at the moment.

“How does that work?”

“She is a grade school teacher normally, but she is sitting on the Teachers Association Board in Chicago right now, trying to improve the education of young minds.” Mike smiled proudly.

“And how did you meet?”

“At a friend’s birthday party, she’s friends with his wife. Luckily my father wasn’t around to throw cold water over it.”

“Does your father know?”

“Yeah, I told him eventually. I mean I had to before we moved in together. Dad wasn’t too thrilled at first but after he met Alice, he hasn’t said a word against her, so she had to have made some kind of impression.”

“Go Alice!”

“She really is something. I’ve never met anyone so sweet and gentle. And when she laughs, it’s like you can hear little bells ringing.”

I laughed, “Mike Dodds, a true romantic, who knew? Sounds like you really love her.”

Mike’s face was flushed again. “I want to marry her. Actually I was going to go ring shopping and I stopped in here and saw you. I was going to ask your advice but I chickened out.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. I was immensely enjoying seeing this normally confident and successful sergeant looking very nervous. “Doddsie, you have come to the right place!” I jumped up and grabbed his hand. “Come on, let’s go get your girl a rock!”

Mike followed me out of the cafe with a sheepish grin on his face.


	47. Transgressions & Transfers (Part I)

I walked through the front door, dropping my keys and bag by the front door. It had been a long day full of paperwork and all I wanted to do was take a shower, grab some food and snuggle with Raf on the couch for the remainder of the evening. His shoes were lying by the front door, so I knew he was home. I called out, “Marco!”

I was met with an eerie silence. Normally I’d hear an answering “Polo” from wherever Raf was at the time. _Huh, maybe he isn’t home._ I walked into the bedroom and was surprised to see Raf sitting on the bed in sweats with his old copy of To Kill a Mockingbird open in his lap. In retrospect, I should have seen the warning signs, Raf only pulls out that novel when he is stressed.

“Raf! I didn’t think you were home. Didn’t you hear me shout?” Still no answer. “How was work?”

“Did you know?” he asked accusingly.

I had no idea what he was talking about. “Did I know what?”

Rafael looked at me with scrutiny and said, “about Liv and Tucker.”

“Liv and Tucker?” I tried to feign ignorance, but Rafael knew me too well to believe it. I’d known for a short time that Olivia had been seeing Tucker, at first I’d been rather disgusted, after all he had once tried to have her arrested. But she seemed to be happy for the first time in a long time, so I’d held my tongue.

“Are you saying you didn’t know?” There it was, the question I didn’t really want to answer, but I couldn’t outright lie to Raf.

“They’ve been seeing each other socially.” I shrugged, “I’m not sure if it’s serious.”

“Well it’s serious enough that they are sleeping together!”

My eyebrows shot up, “how do you know that?”

“It doesn’t matter, I just… I don’t understand, this guy has gone after everyone at SVU, he even arrested Liv, I thought that everyone hated him. And now suddenly they are an item.” He was silent for a few seconds before he turned to me and said, “ _you_ should have told me!”

“Well I hardly think it’s any of your business.”

“It is when it affects my job, my career.”

“How is Olivia’s relationship with an IAB agent affecting _your_ job?”

“When the IAB agent is suspected of sex trafficking, corruption and murder. And the woman he is sleeping with happens to be running the investigation. It looks bad, it looks like Liv is covering up for him, it makes me look like I’m covering things up, or that I’m so incompetent that I don’t even know what my team is doing.”

He was really upset about this, but it seemed that he was more hurt being left out of the loop than concern for his job. And there was something else there, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I climbed onto the bed and crawled over to his side. “Are you really upset about looking bad at work or that Liv didn’t tell you something about herself?” That got me a pretty dirty look.

“You know what, if you’re not going to be supportive, I’m going to bed.” He climbed under the covers and pulled them over himself. I heard a muffled “turn out the lights please” from under the duvet.

At least he was still polite, even when he was mad. It was endearing and made it hard for me to feel angry with his petulant behavior. I put my hand on his arm and rubbed it gently. “Rafi, it’s 8 o'clock.”

“I’m tired.”

“Don’t you want any dinner?”

“I’m not hungry,” he retorted just before his stomach growled loudly.

I couldn’t help but smile. “I’m going to order some lechon con moros y maduros from that place you like. I’m going to shower, get the door if I’m not out when they get here.”

By the time I’d gotten out of the shower, I could smell the food in the kitchen. Raf had laid the table and was munching on some black beans. I sat down opposite him and he pushed a plate full of food towards me without saying a word. Raf devoured his in minutes, but he waited silently until I’d finished mine. He helped me clean up and we sat in silence watching some late night TV before heading to bed. There was definitely something more on his mind than anger at not being kept apprised of current events. I didn’t have to wait long to find out what it was. 

* * *

 

The following morning, Raf continued to be quiet and I was starting to feel concerned. As he made his way out of the front door, earlier than normal I might add, I stopped him. It almost felt like he was avoiding me and I couldn’t understand why, and the only way to find out was to ask. “Raf, look, I want to apologize, I didn’t mean to make you feel…left out.” I reached up to fiddle with his tie, adjusting it out of nervousness.

Rafael put his hands around my waist. “It’s not you, I …” He tailed off, not finishing his sentence. “I just, I thought I could trust…” He stopped again. “You know what, it doesn’t matter.”

“Raf, if it matters to you, it matters.”

He gave me a watery smile and kissed me softly. “I love you.”

“Raf, is everything okay?”

“It will be. I’d better go. See you later cariño.”

* * *

 

I had just finished washing up the breakfast dishes when my phone rang.

“Hey Liv,” I answered the phone. “How are you?”

“Where is Barba?”

“Well it’s nice to talk to you too.”

“I need to speak to Barba, Priti. Where is he?”

“He already left for work. Liv, can you tell me what’s going on? Rafael was rather upset last night.”

“He was upset?” she scoffed. “Well your husband got me fired.”

“What?” I exclaimed, “fired? You got fired?”

“I got transferred out of SVU because your husband decided to go and tell tales about me and Ed to 1PP.”

“He did what? I… Liv, I’m so sorry about you being transferred, are you alright?”

“Priti, I’d be perfectly fine if Barba hadn’t meddled in something that wasn’t his business. Do you know where he is going today?”

I avoided her question. “Olivia, Raf isn’t trying to hurt you. He was just doing his job. It wasn’t personal.”

“I can’t believe you’re siding with him.”

“I’m not taking sides, Liv, it’s just a difficult position for both of you and it sucks that it had to happen like this. I’m not saying that I’m happy with what happened.”

“But you’re not saying that he was wrong either.”

“Liv…”

“It’s fine,” Olivia snapped cutting me off. “If you don’t know where he is, I’ll talk to you later.” She hung up the phone without saying goodbye.

I sighed. Things couldn’t really get any worse, could they?


	48. Transgressions & Transfers (Part II)

“Priti.”

“Raf?”

“Promise you won’t make a big deal of what I’m going to say?”

“Umm, well when you prefix your statement with that line, it’s hard not to.”

Raf looked at me as if to say, don’t push it.

“So are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?” I asked.

“Well with all this business with the Catholic church, Carisi hasn’t been doing too well. I think he might need someone to talk to.”

I smiled widely at Rafael.

“Stop that!” he said.

“Stop what?”

“That,” he pointed at my face. “Don’t look at me like that.”

I carried on looking at him _like that_. 

* * *

“Sonny!” I yelled after him as he was walking out of the doors of the squadroom. “Sonny!”

Sonny stopped and turned and I ran across the room to catch up with him. "You busy tonight?“

“Yeah, sorta,” he said apologetically.

“Oh, okay.” Not the answer I was expecting. “What are you doing?” I asked curiously.

“Actually, I’m going to mass.”

“Would it be alright if…” I hesitated, not sure if I was out of bounds, “would it be alright if I came with you?”

Sonny smiled, “Barba wouldn’t mind? Surely he is expecting you.”

“Don’t tell him I told you, but he was the one who said you might need someone to talk to.”

“Barba said that?” Sonny asked, surprised. “Maybe the tin man has a heart after all!”

I laughed. Only a few days previously, Raf had called Sonny a scarecrow who had finally found his brain. I decided to keep that to myself. I slipped my arm through his and walked to his car.

Sonny drove in silence while I figured out how to start the conversation. He saved me the trouble.

“So you want to make sure I don’t have a breakdown because the Catholic Church is corrupt. That about sum up this evening?”

He sounded more bitter than I’d ever heard him. “Sonny,” I sighed, I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t enjoy his company. “I’m sorry we haven’t hung out much recently.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said abruptly. But I did and Sonny noticed that I was upset and apologized immediately. “You’ve been really busy. It’s not a big deal.”

Typical Sonny, it was my plan to cheer him up and here he was trying to make me feel better instead.

“I didn’t realize that the Church was such a big part of your life.”

“I practically grew up in the Church. I loved Sunday school. Two of my cousins are priests and I was going to become a priest too.”

“What changed?”

Sonny sighed and was silent for a while. I waited, not wanting to push him too hard if he didn’t want to discuss the topic. “I had a friend who lived down the street, she wasn’t really a friend, more of a crush. Her name was Suzie. She was a few years older than me. I saw her every Sunday at Church. She was the kindest and prettiest girl I’d ever seen.” He stopped, taking a minute to remember his childhood crush.

“When I was 18, we went to Church one day and she wasn’t there. Father told us that she had been raped and murdered and her funeral would be held the next day for anyone who wanted to attend.” He stopped again and swallowed a few times, as if trying to keep back tears. “Things just weren’t the same for me after that. The Church wasn’t a sanctuary for me anymore. When the violence of the outside world invades somewhere you consider home, it’s…” he shook his head unable to vocalize his feeling of loss.

“That’s when I decided that I wanted to do something else, something where people who hurt innocent women like Suzie wouldn’t go unpunished. I decided to join the NYPD. My parents weren’t too thrilled initially, they thought it was too dangerous. But they eventually came round to the idea, I think Bella told them about Suzie. Even after joining the force, it didn’t seem like enough. So I enrolled in law school and applied for a position at an SVU. It took a while but I feel at home again, here with you guys.” Sonny glanced over at me and smiled.

“Sonny, I’m so sorry about Suzie.” I wanted to reach over and hug him but he was still driving.

“Thank you.”

“So when did you start going to church again?” I asked.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I never stopped going. I just felt that it wasn’t my calling anymore. I still go to mass every Sunday I can. I believe that God is always there for us when we need him. I just wish that people could see that.”

“I’m glad you see that Sonny. I hope you find peace in that.”

“It’s hard to when people who claim to be men of God are behaving so heinously.” We pulled up outside the Church. "That’s why I’m here today, I want to pray for them.“

"Do you want me to wait here?” I asked, not sure if I would be invading his privacy by going with him.

“You can come inside if you feel comfortable. I won’t be too long.” We went inside quietly and I sat at the back and waited for Sonny.


	49. Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: cancer mentions

There was a knock at the front door. Rafael groaned, he had just sit down and made himself comfortable with a fresh cup of coffee. He slouched to the front door and opened it resentfully.

“Carisi. What can I do for you?”

Sonny’s face blanched at the sight of Rafael. He stood and stared blankly at him. For once, Raf actually took pity on poor Sonny.

“Why don’t you come inside. Priti just went to the post office, she will be back soon.” Rafael motioned Sonny into the living room, correctly assuming that he had come to see me.

Raf made Sonny a cup of coffee and they both sat in awkward silence, nursing their drinks until I arrived. Raf was at the door as I turned my key.

“Priti, Carisi is here to see you. He is in the living room. I’m going to take a walk.” Raf gave me a quick peck on the cheek and bolted out the door.

_Well that was weird. Normally Rafael never passes up a chance to ‘chaperone’ one of Sonny’s visits._

I ventured into the living room to find a thoroughly disheartened looking Sonny cradling his mug like it was a life line.

“Hey Sonny, are you okay? Did Rafael say something to you?” I asked feeling worried about his demeanor.

“What? No. He didn’t say anything.”

“What’s wrong?” Rafael had left in a hurry, he seemed to know something I didn’t, maybe he could sense it from the vibes that Sonny was giving off. Plus he was never this quiet, something had to be up.

“I was kinda hoping for your help.”

“Of course Sonny, you don’t have to sound so apprehensive asking for help. What can i do?”

“My mom called me and said that she was just diagnosed with endometrial cancer and I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh my gosh, Sonny, I’m so sorry.” I flung my arms him and rested my chin on his shoulder. He just sat there limply. It was very unlike Sonny to not return a hug. My heart ached for him. “Do you have any other information about her condition?” I was expecting a full outline of the exact nature of his mother’s illness and treatment plan.

“I don’t know what’s going on. She has an appointment tomorrow. I was wondering…” Sonny stopped.

“Wondering?” I prompted him.

“If you would come with me?” he asked hesitantly.

“Of course I will. Is that what your mom wants?”

Sonny looked at me and his cheeks went a little red. “Well I suppose I should ask her.”

“I supposed you should.”

Sonny smiled at me. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“Does anyone else know?”

Sonny shook his head. “I don’t want anyone to know before we know what’s going on.”

“Sure. I won’t tell anyone.”

Sonny smiled again, “I know.”

“Sonny, I know it’s hard, but try not to worry too much until we know what’s going on.” I looked at him. “Well that was a stupid thing to say, wasn’t it?”

“Maybe, kinda, yeah. Thanks though.”

“Whatever happens Sonny, I want you to know that you can always come to me, and Raf.” Sonny raised his eyebrows at me when I tagged Raf’s name on the end of my sentence. “Yes, Raf too. He means well.”

“Well he didn’t fling any insults at me today, so I’ll take that as a win.”

“Go talk to your mom and let me know. Oh and Sonny, I’ll pray for her.”

Sonny squeezed my hand gratefully and left.

* * *

 

“Stage I endometrial cancer. The CAT scan doesn’t show any spread of the disease.” Mrs Carisi’s gynaecologist said happily. I sighed with relief where I sat in the back of the room, trying to remain as obscure as possible. When Dr Anderson has asked who all the members of the family were, Sonny had waved at Bella, Gina and Theresa, saying these are my sisters, he had also included me in his, hoping no further explanation would be required.

“What does that mean?” Sonny asked anxiously.

“It means that an operation to remove Mrs Carisi’s womb should completely cure the cancer.”

Sonny sister’s all cheered, Mr and Mrs Carisi hugged each other. Only Sonny continued to look concerned.

“Detective Carisi, is there something else you want to ask?”

“Yeah well, a hysterectomy isn’t exactly a simple procedure. The risks of anesthetics are phenomenal, not to mention the possible blood loss, infection risk…” I put my hand on Sonny’s shoulder to stop him from continuing. Mrs Carisi was looking frightened again.

“Sonny, I’m sure Dr Anderson will explain the operation to your mom in much more detail soon. How about for now, we celebrate the fact that we have some good news.” I smiled, “right Mrs Carisi?”

Sonny’s mom smiled at me gratefully. “Right.”

“Maybe we can all go get some coffee and give your parents a chance to process this information. I’ll buy.”

“I’m in!” Bella piped up immediately. Gina and Theresa joined us without objection.

“Come on Sonny,” I pulled at his elbow.

* * *

 

As we walked to the hospital canteen, Sonny and I trailed behind his sisters.

“Sonny, I understand your concern, but your mom needs your support right now, she needs her son not another doctor.” I said the next part as gently as possible so as not to offend him. “Your mom needs to do what’s best for her, she doesn’t need to make a decision based on your fear.”

Sonny stopped abruptly. I’d taken a few steps before I could react. _Oh shit, I’ve definitely put my foot in it._

“Sonny…” I started, but before I could get any further, Sonny had pulled me into a hug.

“Thank you for coming, Priti.”

“Sonny, your mom is going to do great. She is a pretty awesome lady. She has to be to have a son like you. Now come along, your sisters clearly need some caffeine!”


	50. Threats (Part I)

“Hey Olivia!” I answered my phone rather absently, concentrating on typing out a report.

“Priti, where are you?”

“At home. Why?”

“Good, stay there and don’t open the door for anyone.”

“Olivia, what’s happening.”

“Everything is fine. Just stay there. Barba will be home soon.”

“Olivia!” My shout went unheard, she’d already hung up.

What on earth was that about? I won’t lie, I was a little scared. I immediately dialed Rafael.

“Cariño, everything is fine. I’ll talk to you when I get home, I promise, I’ll be there soon.” His voice was low and he was talking more rapidly than normal, if that was even possible.

“Rafael, please tell me what’s happening.”

“Priti, soon, I love you.” He hung up immediately.

I was feeling extremely put out and freaked out. _What is happening out there? There is no way I’m going to finish this report now. Make dinner, I gotta do something or I’m gonna go bananas. I hope Rafael is okay._

I’d just finished putting dinner on the table when Rafael walked through the door. I didn’t realize how on edge I was until that point because when he walked into the kitchen, I jumped and dropped the bowl of strawberries I’d just washed.

“Fuck.” I cursed under my breath. Rafael rushed around the kitchen counter to help me pick up the strawberries. Luckily the bowl had survived unscathed. “Sorry about this.”

“Don’t worry, it’s fine.”

“I wish everyone would stop saying _it’s fine_. Everything is clearly not fine when I get phone calls telling me to say in my house and not open the door. Rafael, that is far from fine.” My voice had gotten slightly shrill.

Raf put his arms on my shoulders and gripped them tightly so I’d calm down. “It was nothing. Olivia was just overreacting to something that happened outside the courthouse today.”

“What happened Rafael?” I asked sternly.

“After the indictment, there was a crowd of COs all expressing their displeasure. Benson and Dodds were trying to herd them off and some gamberro was there trying to be menacing. It was nothing really, but they wanted to just dot the i’s and cross the t’s type thing.” Raf was acting incredibly blasé and I wasn’t buying it. He had sounded really flustered earlier.

“Are you saying that these COs threatened you?”

“No!” He said emphatically. “I’m telling you, it was nothing. Olivia was just being cautious. The squad are dealing with it. I just need you to be careful, will you do that for me?”

I studied his face carefully, looking for hints for anything he may be hiding. But his face was impassive. In the end I conceded to his request. “Of course I can.”

“How about we dig into this fabulous meal you’ve prepared before it gets cold?”

_Okay, I’ll let the subject drop for now. But don’t for one moment assume that I’m forgetting about this._

* * *

“See you later Doddsie,” I said patting his shoulder. I knew Mike hated my pet name for him, but I loved watching him squirm when I called him ‘Doddsie’ in public. He had fit in surprisingly well with the squad and we were all sad to see him leave.

I grabbed a piece of cake for Rafael and decided to bring it to his office. I’d stopped by the lab to drop off some reports, knowing that Raf had had a motions hearing that morning and it would be unlikely that he be back so soon. I slipped around Carmen’s desk, she was suspiciously absent, but I took advantage of that to use the door closer to Raf’s desk. I noticed that it was slightly ajar and there were voices coming from inside. I recognized Rafael’s dulcet tones immediately, but it took me a couple of seconds to register the Staten Island accent and Georgia accents coming from Sonny and Amanda. Normally I would have walked in without hesitation, but something made me stop and listen in on their conversation.

“That’s the guy.” I heard Rafael say.

“So you said he threatened you twice? When was the first time?” Amanda asked.

“After the Munson indictment. He stopped me in front of the courthouse, said he could throw me down the stairs and crack open my skull.”

“Why didn’t you tell us about that?” Sonny demanded, sitting on the edge of Raf’s desk.

“I’ve been getting threats all year.” Rafael answered.

 _All year? What the hell Rafael! I can’t believe this._ I pressed myself closer to the door

“All year? So this may have nothing to do with Rikers. When did the threats start? What kind of threats?” Amanda bombarded him with questions.

“Hang ups, mostly on my cell, from burners. A few texts.” Raf admitted reluctantly.

“Okay, we’re running this through facial recognition. I’m calling Intel, get you a security detail.”

“Is there someone that you trust?” Amanda looked at him, surprised. “The threats started after I indicted the three cops who shot Terence Reynolds.” Sonny looked shocked at this statement.

“I’m calling Benson.”

Rafael was behaving like a petulant child. I was furious. I’d stopped eavesdropping on their conversation, lost in a haze of my own thoughts. Feelings of fear, angry and betrayal swirled around in my head.

“Priti, what are you doing?” It was Carmen, she was back and holding a large cup of Starbucks coffee.

I jumped as the door beside me opened abruptly. Rafael had come out when he heard Carmen speak. “Hey,” he said to me and ushered me into his office, grabbing his coffee on the way. “What are you doing here?”

“Brought you some cake from Mike’s party.” I answered icily.

Rafael smiled at the mention of cake but it faltered slightly at my tone. “Is everything alright?”

“You tell me, Rafael.” I continued coldly.

“Carisi and Rollins just left, apparently Liv and Dodds are involved in some situation with Munson. I don’t know exactly what’s going on.”

_Stubborn bastard, I knew he was like this when I married him, I’m not sure why it’s bothering me so much right now._

He wasn’t going to give me a straight answer and I was too proud to ask him outright. “Right then, I’ll leave you to your cake and your security detail then.” I turned and started walking towards the door. I was steaming, I felt like there was smoke pouring from my ears, my eyes stung and my fists were clenched. My anger was coming from a place of hurt. I felt I had been betrayed, lied to, albeit a lie of omission, but a lie nonetheless.

I felt Rafael grasp my wrist, stopping me from leaving and forcing me to turn around. He looked like he wanted to say something, but no words came.

“I always thought that you didn’t know when to keep your mouth shut. Turns out I was wrong.”

“Priti, I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry.” I shrugged, “so an apology is just going to make this okay?”

“I…I don’t have anything else to give.”

“How about your trust?”

“Priti, of course I trust you.”

“Just not enough to tell me that you happen to have been receiving death threats since last August.”

“Priti, I didn’t want to worry you.” He looked like he felt guilty.

“You don’t need to coddle me Rafael. This marriage is supposed to be a relationship of equals. I don’t need a knight in shining armor to save me. I’m not some damsel in distress. This is something that affects us both.” I was shouting and probably drawing attention from outside the office but I didn’t care. Rafael was still silent. It was very unlike him, normally quick witted and ready for a fight, his silence was deafening. He looked frightened. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, my anger evaporated as quickly as it had flared up. I flung myself into his arms and he flinched slightly, as if expecting me to hit him. I put my arms around his waist and smothered my face in his chest. I felt him relax slowly and return the hug, holding me tightly to his body. “Rafi, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have shouted.” I whispered up at him, tears in my eyes.

“Shhh, it’s okay. I’m the one who should be sorry. I guess I’m still not used to asking for support from people. I’m so used to having to be self-reliant and independent, it’s become second nature, keeping things to myself. Opening up and sharing my feelings has never gone well for me it the past, it’s a hard habit to break.” He smirked a little before saying, “maybe you could help me take off this armor.”

My phone rang, interrupting the moment. It was a message from Sonny.

> _Dodds was shot, come to Lincoln Hospital_


	51. A Solemn Goodbye (Part II)

I raced down the passages of Lincoln Hospital towards the ICU, Rafael and his security detail in tow. I knew we’d found the right place when I spotted a crowd of police officers. I found Liv pretty quickly, she looked distraught. As we broke apart from a hug, Sonny appeared, having finished donating blood.

“I’m O negative.” He told me proudly.

I smiled. _Of course you are. Sonny Carisi, the universal donor, even his blood group matches his character._

“Dodds is B negative, do you know how rare that blood group is? He got shot in the gut and the bullet hit an artery which means he is gonna need a lotta blood. O negative is gonna be alright for a while, but he will need something more specific soon.”

“Thank you Dr Carisi.” Rafael snarked. “If your career in law doesn’t work out, you could always try your hand at medicine.”

I looked at Rafael, glad to see his sense of humor had returned. “It’s not really going to make much difference to Mike, but my blood group is B negative. And there is never a bad time to donate blood.”

“Why wouldn’t they use your blood if you have the same blood group?” Sonny asked.

“Because all donated blood is tested and then separated into it’s different components before it can be transfused.” 

“You learn something new everyday, don’t you Dr Carisi?” Raf remarked as we walked away to find where I could donate my blood.

“You trying to get him back for telling you off about keeping quiet about the death threats?” I smirked at Raf.

* * *

 

I sat in a large recliner, my left arm hooked up to a large tube and a tourniquet wrapped above it. Rafael sat silently on my right side holding my hand tightly. He has politely declined the nurse’s offer to set him up in a similar chair. She had looked at him, raising an eye brow, as if to say, _chicken_. Rafael’s quick response had been “I need to make sure my wife is okay before we do that. Maybe later.”

“Rafael?” I whispered.

“Si cariño?”

“Have you any idea who is targeting you?”

Rafael shook his head. “The guy said ‘ _you’ve made so many enemies, you have no way of knowing, do you?’_ He also said ‘ _we know a lot about you, things people would want to know’_.”

“What does that mean?”

Rafael shook his head. “I don’t know.”

* * *

 

“They took Dodds up for a CT, he wasn’t making any sense and was completely out of it. Do you know what’s happening?” Sonny asked me. Fin, Amanda and Raf were all stood around me, looking for answers.

“It’s really hard to say.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Doddsie, lost a lot of blood. A massive transfusion is dangerous in and of itself. There is the potential for  metabolic and haemostatic abnormalities, immune haemolysis, coagulopathy…”

“Woah, stop, stop.” Fin put up his hands. “In English please.”

“When you give someone blood, you’re only giving them red blood cells. But there are other important parts of blood which are missing. The bits which are responsible for clotting. That means even though we’re giving Mike blood, he might lose it from places we can’t see. On the other hand his body might reject the blood that he is being given and he could potentially get a clot when there shouldn’t be one. Without the results of the scan, it’s impossible to know what is happening.”

“So we just have to wait?” Amanda asked.

I nodded sadly.

We didn’t have to wait for as long as I’d expected. An hour later, Liv walked down the corridor towards us to give us the news. Her expression told us all we needed to know. I felt paralyzed. Rafael put his arms around me and held me tightly.

* * *

 

I stood in front of the mirror gazing at the dress I’d just put on, caught up in a reverie of years long past. It was the same dress I’d worn to my sisters’ funeral and it felt right to wear the same to Mike’s.

“Do you want me to do that up for you?” Rafael’s voice broke through my thoughts.

“Ye…” The word caught in my throat and came out half-mumbled. I tried again to say it more clearly but found I couldn’t keep my voice steady. I didn’t want to burst into tears. Not now. Not yet.

Rafael understood, pulling up the zip on the back of my dress. I had pulled my hair to the front and he brushed it back behind my shoulders. “You look beautiful.”

“You don’t look so bad yourself.” Rafael was wearing a black suit, complete with vest. A silver, checkered texture tie hung around his neck, which I proceeded to tie for him. He stood perfectly still letting me fold the tie in different directions and tighten it up to his neck. Normally it would have been a sensual, if not sexual experience, but today, the small gesture felt like one of intimacy and trust.

Rafael’s phone buzzed. I froze, goose pimples ran all the way up my arms and neck. _Who was that? Another threatening message?_ I relaxed a little when Rafael started answering the message.

“You ready to go?” Rafael asked me, still typing on his phone. He didn’t seem phased by the alert at all. _I can’t believe he isn’t scared. Or has it just been happening for so long, that he is used to it._ The thought that Rafael could be so nonchalant about the treats because they’d become a part of his normal life was painful to me.

“Don’t you think it’s a little early? I don’t want to be there too soon.”

Rafael looked up at me, understanding my hesitation. “Carisi is picking us up. He messaged to say he was just parked the car and is on his way up. I told him he might need to wait, you were taking your time getting ready.” He smirked and I punched him lightly on the arm.

“He passed the bar you know. I was going to tell you last week, but with everything that’s happened I kinda forgot.”

“I thought he might.”

“You should tell him that?”

“Not on your life.”

* * *

Doddsie’s service was beautiful. The church was overflowing with people. I felt proud to have known a man who had affected the lives of so many people, enough for them to come and pay their respects to him and his family. I was honored to have been asked to sit with his family. I had sat next to Alice. She had spent a most of the service looking down and playing with the engagement ring on her left hand, one that I’d helped Doddsie pick out when he had asked my advice. I had looked down at the beautiful ring on my own finger and suddenly felt guilty. I felt fortunate to have been able to marry the man of my dreams, when hers had been taken from her so cruelly. I pushed my left hand under my right arm, hiding the symbol of my happiness.

When the service ended, Rafael and I walked out just behind the Dodds family, alongside Olivia and the squad. Sonny was ahead of us, having been asked to be a pallbearer. I placed myself to Rafael’s left, making sure that he was surrounded by people from all sides. It was an awkward maneuver I’m sure he noticed, but was grateful for his silence.

* * *

 

I sat alone in the bar after Doddsie’s funeral, feeling comfortable leaving Rafael alone in a bar full of cops. I didn’t feel much like talking and it gave me the chance to listen to a snippets of a variety of conversations. Liv was telling Amanda how Mike had covered for her over a leak at the precinct. It warmed my heart to see Sonny and Rafael talking amicably, even though Sonny still called him ‘counselor.’ I was glad that Rafael had someone he could rely on to protect him. I knew Sonny would.

“Counselor, just just so you know, we haven’t arrested Heredio yet, but we have units posted on his block.”

“I’m not worried. Not in here.” They raised clinked their glasses.

“Cheers.”

 _Looks like I’ll be the one driving us all home._

“Okay everybody, listen up.” I heard Fin shout. “Listen up.”

“All right, raise your glasses.” Amanda continued. “A toast!”

“To the bravest cop we ever worked with, Sergeant Michael Dodds.” Sonny finished.

“To Dodds.” Rafael said rather gruffly.

“To Doddsie.” I whispered.


	52. Look Around, Look Around

 

It had been an incredibly long day at work, or it had felt like it. I looked at my phone, it read 8.35pm. It wasn’t as late as I expected. There was a text notification from Raf, I clicked it.

> _Working late, don’t wait up! Love you._

I smiled as I read the end of the text. Rafael had been much more affectionate of late, but after recent events, I really appreciated his efforts. I stood outside the medical examiner’s lab, my evening had just opened up and I needed a plan. It was too late to ask anyone out for dinner but I wasn’t in the mood for yet another take out dinner on the couch. It seemed like the perfect night to appreciate the city; the weather was perfect, clear skies, a gentle breeze blew making the New York City heat bearable and the stars were starting to sparkle, in spite of the bright lights of the city.

I walked through the streets, lost in a haze of my own thoughts, oblivious to my imminent surroundings, in favor of taking in the atmosphere of the city. I sang to myself quietly. _Look around, look around, how lucky we are to be alive right now! History is happening in Manhattan and we just happen to be in the greatest city in the world!_ Following our recent tragedies and stresses, I wanted to make the most of what I had, I certainly was very lucky to have it.

* * *

 

I walked to a small restaurant I had discovered not so long ago, a little out of the way, somewhere that was not frequented by my colleagues but not too secluded that it was lacking a vibrant atmosphere. I sat down at the bar, slung my bag over the back of the chair and ordered a glass of white wine. The bartender handed me a receipt, the time read 8.55pm. I smiled, taking a sip from the glass, the night was still young, plenty of time to relax.

I looked around the restaurant, Rafael and I often played a game where we’d look at people on different tables and try and guess their relationships with each other and what they did for a living. We’d ended up trying to outdo each other with weird and wonderful stories which often became more and more preposterous as our evenings progressed. It really wasn’t very fun without him, I looked down at my phone, 9.01pm, there were no messages from Rafael.

A television screen above the bar caught my eye, there was a baseball game on the screen. Don’t ask me who was playing, I hadn’t a clue. I have never been able to sit down and follow sports for long, either I’m taking part or I’m not interested. It held my attention for about ten minutes, well eleven, my phone read 9.12pm.

The noise of a blender distracted me from my phone. I watched the bartender throw fruit into a blender as another mixed different drinks other while performing acrobatic tricks with the glasses. He caught my eye and winked at me, making me giggle. _Typical, the wine was already affecting me._

“Would you do me the honor of letting me buy you one of those drinks?” a deep voice suddenly came from my right. I jumped slightly, surprised by the sudden presence of a rather attractive Hispanic gentleman who had materialized beside me.

I smiled at him, “thank you very for the very kind offer, but I’d rather stick to the one I haven’t finished yet.” I pointed to my still rather full glass of pinot.

“Not a problem, I will just join you with one of my own.” He signaled to the bartender to bring him drink.

“I’m not sure my husband would be too thrilled if he knew I was drinking with a handsome stranger.”

The man leaned close to me and said, “what your husband doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.” He smiled in what he thought was a seductive manner and snaked his hand around the back of my chair. This only made me feel more uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be in his company any longer.

“I’m sorry, I really don’t feel comfortable with how you are talking to me. I would be grateful if you would let me finish my drink alone.”

“Whatever you say, señora,” he sneered at me.

I heard a sudden thud on the floor beside me, I looked around and saw my bag on the floor. I sighed and bent down to pick it up. I felt the man beside me get off the seat next to me and walk away, brushing by me as he left. I sat back up and watched him walk away, feeling thankful that it hadn’t been more difficult to shoo him away. In my relief, I took a rather large sip from my glass, followed by several more.

It was only 9.30pm, why did I suddenly feel so tired. _I’m getting old, I can’t even go out for a drink after work, what has become of me?! It’s probably best I finish up and head home for that take out._

I took another sip and closed my eyes. My vision felt a little blurred and I blinked the haziness away. I took another sip to take away the dryness from my mouth, only to be overcome by a wave of dizziness.

_Well this is a strange sensation. I knew I had a low threshold for alcohol but I haven’t even had one glass of wine. This doesn’t feel right, or good._

I looked at my phone. 9.33pm, at least that’s what the numbers looked like, I was having trouble focusing on them. I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore, it was time to go home. But how? I didn’t trust myself to move.

_Call Rafael._

I hit Rafael’s face on my phone, I’d set up some speed dial icons with corresponding photos for Raf and a few other people. The phone was ringing and ringing and ringing. No answer. It finally went to voicemail.

“Raf, I’m at The Mango Tree, can you please come and get me, I’m not feeling very well.”

_Well that was a bust._

I contemplated my next action. 9.35pm. Could I wait for Raf to call back? The answer was no. I dialed Sonny, his face looked longer than normal and his hair was doing something I couldn’t quite place.

Voicemail again.

“Sonny, I’m sorry to bother you. Can you do me a favor? I need a lift from the Mango tree, it’s on errr…20th! 20th and 5th street. Please come, I don’t feel so good.”

I was getting wordier with my messages.  _What’s going on here? I can’t stand nonsense on voicemails and here I am babbling away. Get to the point Priti! Good God, how is it only 9.38pm? My head hurts._

What could Rafael and Sonny possibly be doing that is more important than answering my calls. Rude is what I call it. What good is it having husbands and friends if they just ignore you? Fine let’s see how they like it if I ignore them!

It took me a whole minute to work out that they weren’t there and hadn’t really noticed that I was ‘ignoring’ them. 9.39pm. I took a deep breath as the room lurched to the side.

_I need more friends, they would help me! Oh wait…_

I stared at my phone and Liv’s face finally swum into view. I tapped on her face, at least I thought I did. “Stop moving Liv,” I scolded. It took me several attempts before I was successful at getting the phone to actually dial. The effort was a little pointless though, as Liv’s voicemail reminded me, she was in Paris. I didn’t bother to leave a message.

_I should be in Paris, Rafael would like Paris. Mmmm baguettes, hah, it rhymes with Lafayette. Raise a glass to freedom. No, no more glasses, obviously this one was enough. I wonder what the time is in Paris…_

I looked at my phone again. Where was the time? I searched the screen frantically. _What happened to the time? It’s gone!_ I panicked, feeling scared and alone, I clutched my phone tightly, hitting the unlock button as I did so. The screen came back to life. 9.57pm. I could have cried with relief.

The fear was creeping in again, weaving it’s way in along with the waves of drowsiness and nausea. 10.00pm. _Who else will help me?_ I sat feeling paralyzed, just swaying slightly with to the beat of my racing heart. I was sweating, my hands clammy and my hair felt limp and was sticking to my neck. Suddenly Fin’s face was looking up at me on my phone screen. I grasped the phone like a life line. 10.04pm, he answered.

“Fin, oh Fin,” I was practically sobbing now. “Help me please. I can’t. Please.”

“Priti, where are you?”

“Fin please, I need you.”

“Where are you?” his voice was so authoritative that I answered almost reflexively.

“The Mango Tree.”

“I’m coming.” That was all he said. It was 10.06pm.

I stared at my phone in a daze. 10.07pm. 10.08pm. 10.09pm. I thought I heard sirens. 10.09pm. I felt a breeze from the door and turned around to see Detective Odafin Tutuola standing in the door. I smiled and jumped off my chair, the room seemed to tip over before everything went black.

* * *

 

 

I opened my eyes. 11.59pm, the clock above me read. My vision went blurry again, so I closed my eyes and reached out with my other senses.

“Do you know who did this?” Sonny’s voice was easily distinguishable despite the hushed tones they were using.

“Look, how many times do I have to tell you, I didn’t seen anything. I got there and all I saw was Priti collapse. I think you know where my priority was.” Fin’s voice was as soothing as ever. I thanked my lucky star that he had answered the phone.

“Thank God you got there so fast.”

“Where were the two of you exactly?”

“Barba and I were working on the Ramsay case.”

He mentioned Rafael, but I hadn’t heard his voice. If Sonny was here, surely Rafael was here too?

As soon as I thought about this, I felt a pressure on my hand, a familiar warmth. I opened my eyes again, this time the room stayed still. I looked over to my side, Rafael was there. He didn’t seem to be at all focused on the conversation between Fin and Sonny, he was gazing into the distance lost in thought. He looked scared. Instinctively I curled my fingers around his and his eyes snapped in my direction.

He looked at me, tears glistening in those emerald orbs of his. He put his free hand on my forehead and stroked my hair gently. I could feel him shaking slightly and I gripped his hand tighter.

“Hey,” my voice was barely more than a hoarse whisper, but it was enough to get Sonny and Fin’s attention and they crowded around the bed.

“Priti, are you alright?” Sonny asked.

“Well that’s a stupid question.” Fin shot at him. “She is lying in a hospital bed.”

I smiled, Fin always said it like it was. I reached out my hand to him and he took it. “Thank you for being there for me,” I croaked.

“Are you up for talking about what happened?” Sonny asked quietly, sitting down at the end of the bed. He fiddled with the edge of the blanket, smoothing it down with his hands. It seemed as though he wanted to make some kind of physical contact, a comforting gesture, but Raf’s presence was stopping him.

I looked at Rafael, he still hadn’t said anything, which was strange for him, the man who had an opinion on everything. I slowly pushed myself up into a sitting position. The action was met with a barrage of protests, Rafael included.

“Priti, what are you doing, please be careful.” Raf jumped to his feet putting out his hands.

“Woah, should you be sitting right now?” Sonny slid off the end of the bed.

“Priti, I’m not sure this is a great plan.” Fin just looked at me sternly, knowing I’d carry on anyway.

I sat up for a moment with my eyes closed, steadying myself. Rafael sat down beside me, putting his arms by my sides, ready to support me if I needed it. I was grateful that he was giving me the space to do this for myself but was close enough to catch me.

“Could I have some water please?” I asked. Sonny practically fell over himself while grabbing a glass. “Thanks Sonny.”

I proceeded to tell them what had happened that evening, trying to describe in detail the man who had offered to buy me a drink. “He must have slipped something in my drink when I bent down to pick up my bag,” realization dawning on me, “son of a bitch must have knocked my bag to the floor in the first place.”

I heard a quiet growling noise from Rafael’s throat, his face was red and his nostrils were flaring, he looked livid.

“Raf I swear, I told him straight away that I’m married, that I wasn’t interested…” I suddenly afraid that he might think I had led the man on in some way.

Rafael’s expression softened quickly, enveloping me with his arms he held me tightly. “I know cariño,” he cut me off before I could get any further.

“Everything after that is fuzzy.” I tried to remember what had happened but the drugs were effectively stopping me from accessing those memories.

Just then Amanda burst into the hospital room, a tablet in one arm, Jessie in the other. “I got the security footage from the bar…oh hey Priti, you’re awake, how are you feeling?”

I nodded my reassurance that I was okay, feeling a little overwhelmed by her sudden and rather loud entrance. I hadn’t realized how on edge I was and how much this had actually affected me, but my heart was racing.

Amanda deposited Jessie in Sonny’s arms and shoved the tablet under my nose. “Is this the guy we are looking for?” She pointed at a frozen image of the man who had hit on me at the bar.

“Yeah, that’s him.” I confirmed.

Amanda sighed and bit her lip, glancing anxiously at Rafael.

“Who is he?” Rafael demanded, but I already knew what she was going to say.

“Antonio Cervanto. He is a member of BX9.”

There was silence in the room. Everyone was looking at Rafael, waiting for his reaction.

“So this is happening because of me,” he said quietly. The tone of his voice was dreadful; I could hear guilt, anger and sadness in it.

“Guys, could we have a minute please?” I asked, addressing the others. The nodded and filed out silently, only Jessie could be heard babbling happily in Sonny’s arms.

“I think I should be the one to leave.” Rafael stood abruptly. “I’m not going to let them hurt you because of me.”

He started to walk away, but I grabbed his sleeve tightly. “Rafael! No!” I yelled desperately. “You can’t do this.”

He tries to shake me off, it wasn’t hard, I was still disorientated from the drugs in my system. He was already at the end of the bed before I called to him again. “Rafael, you promised you’d never leave me.” It made him stop. “Please don’t leave me. Not after everything that’s happened. Raf, I’m scared.” I was crying now.

He came back to my side, climbed on the bed and lay down, pulling me into his arms. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I never wanted you involved in this, this shouldn’t be happening. We’re gonna find out who is doing this, I promise I’ll never let then hurt you ever again.”

I fell asleep as he whispered soothing words in my ear.


	53. Patients (Part II)

I pulled up in the hospital car park, the back seat of my car stocked with a variety of Sonny’s favorite deserts and his tablet. I knew that it would be difficult for him to eat a lot after surgery and hospital food leaves much to be desired. Sonny had messaged me begging me for company, his sisters and parents had worn out their welcome; Sonny had said that their visits were exhausting.

I hadn’t been to the hospital since we found out that Sonny was going to make a full recovery. My mind flashed back to the events of the previous week.

* * *

_Sonny lunged towards me as I heard a loud bang. I was knocked to the floor and Sonny’s dead weight landed on top of me. I felt dazed. “Sonny,” I called out. “Sonny get off me. For someone so lanky, you weigh a tonne.” I pushed him and got no response, so I put my hand on his abdomen and rolled him off my legs._

_I glanced over at Sonny’s limp form and to my horror, I watched as his  shirt was slowly being soaked with blood. “Sonny!” I cried out. “Sonny, open your eyes.”_

* * *

_“Priti, can you tell my family…”_

_“No Sonny, you can talk to them. I’ll call them once we get out of here. I bet Anna wants to see her Uncle Sonny. You can tell her how much you love her when you see her, okay? Sonny?”_

* * *

I gripped my steering wheel, taking few deep breaths to stop tears from falling. I shook away the image of Sonny’s pale unconscious features. Gathering the treats and tech from the back seat, I made my way up to Sonny’s ward.

He lying in bed looking bored. His hair free of pomade and the hospital gown made him look younger than his years. As I approached his bed I noticed that he was paler than normal, _how much blood had he lost?_ His face lit up when he saw me walking over and I felt guilty again, guilty that he could have died because he’d taken a bullet that had been aimed at me.

“You been busy?” Sonny asked.

“There was a lot of paperwork.” I answered. “It’s not everyday that detectives get shot in the ME’s office.”

“Too much paperwork to even come and visit a fallen comrade?” Sonny was nonchalant but I could tell he was a little hurt by my absence.

I sat on the edge of his bed and took his hand. “Sorry, I just thought you would want to be with your family.” _That was a lie and he knew it._

“Priti, you’re a part of my family.”

I couldn’t look at him, I felt sick, I didn’t deserve his kindness, his generosity. The guilt I’d felt for his actions was just intensified by my cowardice at facing the situation he was in. “I don’t deserve your friendship Sonny. I felt guilty about what happened and I didn’t want you to blame me, I just thought if I didn’t come to see you, it wouldn’t be real.”

Sonny squeezed my hand, “Priti, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You’re my best friend, you deserve nothing but the best.”

I glanced up at Sonny’s face, he was smiling. It warmed my heart to see the light in his eyes, the shimmering blue pools which had the depth of oceans. I smiled back.

“Priti, you were the first person who ever made me feel welcome here, made me feel like I had a place on the squad.”

“Don’t be silly Sonny, you have no one to blame but yourself to blame for that! Look!” I pointed at the array of gifts at his bedside, there were flowers from Olivia, one of Jessie’s bears and balloons from Fin.

“I didn’t ask anyone to bring those things. Although I think Fin’s gift might just be a joke.” We watched as the balloon floated around to reveal the words ‘Congratulations on your new baby.’

“Even the Sarge dropped by before you did.” Sonny raised an eyebrow at me playfully.

Just at that moment a pretty young nurse showed up with a bowl of jello. “Hello Detective Carisi. How is my favorite patient today?” she asked, in a clearly flirtatious manner.

“Oh hey Sandra, I’m alright. Thanks for the jello.” Sonny said a little dismissively. I looked over at Nurse Sandra and she glared at me angrily as she walked back to the nurses station, as if I was getting in the way. To her credit, I was definitely cock blocking her.

Sonny took a bite of jello from the bowl, then refilled his spoon and offered it up to me.

I shook my head. I suddenly felt somber again. “I’m glad you’re okay,” I whispered. 

“Me too!” Sonny laughed. I couldn’t help but laugh with him.

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For saving my life.”

I climbed onto the bed so we were sitting side by side and picked up his tablet. “So let’s see what cinematographic masterpieces you’re hiding on this thing.” I opened the movie player and Toy Story popped up on the screen. “Ahhh Detective Carisi, soon-to-be attorney at law, inspired by the adventures of Buzz Lightyear and Woody.”

Sonny grabbed at the tablet, wincing at the sudden movement.

“Careful!” I chastized.

“I was going to watch that with Anna.”

Well now you can watch it with me,“ I said, pressing play and smiling at opening song.

 _"You’ve got a friend in me_  
You’ve got a friend in me  
When the road looks rough ahead  
And you’re miles and miles  
From your nice warm bed  
You just remember what your old pal said  
Boy, you’ve got a friend in me  
Yeah, you’ve got a friend in me.”


	54. Celebrations

“Do we really have to celebrate the fact that he passed the bar? Wasn’t it enough that I said congratulations?” Raf whispered in my ear.

“Raf, really?” I felt that he was being extremely exasperating.

“It’s not exactly a big deal. I mean he passed the bar, we already knew he would. Did you get a big party when you passed your medical boards?”

I looked at Rafael and nodded. He seemed genuinely clueless that this achievement was something to be celebrated.

“What did you do when you found out that you passed the bar?”

“Had dinner with Abuelita. She was the only one who seemed to care. Mami was always so busy working, paying off all my father’s hospital bills.”

“Mami is really proud of you, you know that, don’t you?”

Raf smiled and nodded.

* * *

 

It made me sad that Rafael didn’t seem to have any notion that celebrating an achievement of this kind was a normal tradition. Before I could say anything further, Sonny and Amanda appeared at the restaurant we had picked for the celebration.

“They’ve been hanging out more, haven’t they?” Raf said out of the corner of his mouth as I waved them over.

“Hush!” I elbowed him in the ribs discretely as he wiggled his eye brows.

“Hey Priti, Barba!” Sonny flashed a smile at me and nodded at Raf.

Amanda gingerly lowered Jessie into a high chair that a waiter brought over. He positioned it right next to Rafael and I could sense him stiffen up at the potential of interacting with Jessie.

“You’d better watch out Barba, she has gotten to the food flinging stage,” Amanda laughed. Raf looked more terrified, if that were even possible!

Sonny and I exchanged smirks.

“How are you feeling Priti? Are you sure you should be out?” Sonny asked me.

“Everyone needs to stop coddling me! I’m just fine thank you very much. And after all the trouble I went through organizing this dinner, I wasn’t going to miss it.” I half scolded him.

“Should we really be celebrating right now, though? After everything that’s happened?” Sonny asked. “After Dodds?”

“I’m sure Mike would be here celebrating with us. It’s important we do, _because_ of what happened. We need to take every opportunity to celebrate, otherwise we really are just passing through life.”

“I’m just not used to so much attention.” Sonny said a little shyly. “The last time there was anything held in my honor was when I was 10 year old.”

“What happened? Did you finally learn to stop wetting the bed? ” Amanda snarked at Sonny.

“ _Actually_ , I was riding my bike with Bella. We were having a race and I skidded and fell off my bike and broke my arm. Needless to say that the whole of the Carisi family found it necessary to accompany me to the ER.” Sonny smiled slightly at the memory. “It wasn’t often I got everyone’s attention and sympathy. I quite enjoyed it.”

“Is that why you say outrageous things now? Reliving the glory days?” Amanda was enjoying herself. “Carisi, you’ve come a long way in the last 2 years.”

“We’re proud of you Sonny.” I squeezed his arm.

“At least you don’t get yourself into too much trouble anymore,” said Amanda.

“What trouble did I get myself into?” Sonny asked.

“How about when you tried, rather unsuccessfully, ask Priti out on a date?”

Sonny turned a delicate shade of pink.

“What?” I asked feeling a little baffled. “I don’t remember this.”

“You probably didn’t know he was doing it, that’s how terrible the flirting was!” Amanda laughed. It was nice to see her so relaxed.

Sonny and I found ourselves laughing with her. The only person who didn’t seemed amused was Rafael, in fact he had done something which surprised me.

In an effort to ignore the topic of conversation, Rafael had picked up Jessie’s spoon was attempting to feed her the puree that Amanda had brought to the restaurant. To my utter amazement, Jessie was happily accepting his offers of the ‘spoon airplane.’

Our laughter soon died out as we all stared and watched Rafael handle Jessie so expertly. He looked content, as if he did this on a daily basis and it was the most natural thing in the world.

Rafael eventually noticed the silence and turned his attention back to us looking embarrassed again.

“Why is everyone staring at me? Weren’t you discussing how Carisi was hitting on my wife?” Raf asked sarcastically.

Sonny blushed again.

“Rafael,” I sighed.

Raf continued before I could say anything else. “Sorry Carisi. Look I know we haven’t really been friends…”

Sonny snorted.

“ _But_ ,” Rafael continued, “but you have been to Priti, and I do appreciate that.”

I looked at Rafael but he refused to make eye contact with me. Instead he opened his jacket and pulled out a slim gift box and handed it to Sonny.

“Geez Barba, way to get all sentimental.” Amanda certainly knew how to put a damper on anything emotional.

“Congratulations Carisi, you’ve earned it,” Raf said genuinely.

I was in awe, I couldn’t believe that Rafael had actually bought Sonny a gift, after all his complaints about celebrations being a waste of time. 

Sonny opened the box that Raf had given him. He took out an elegant fountain pen which had the scales of justice symbol on the end of the pen and engraved along the side was 'Sonny Carisi, JD.’ Sonny ran his fingers over the lettering and smiled. “Thank you.”

Raf nodded his acknowledgement.

“Nice work Barba, now the rest of us look bad for not buying gifts,” Amanda interjected.

Raf chuckled and picked up Jessie’s spoon again.

I looked at Sonny. “Can I see?”

“Sure,” Sonny handed me the pen and I examined it. It was a lovely gesture on Rafael’s part and completely unprompted by me for once!

“Hey Barba, I gotta buy you a drink. What do you want?” Sonny asked.

“Scotch,” Raf answered keeping his attention on Jessie. I could tell he was regretting his decision of gift giving in public.

“Could you grab me a drink too while you’re up there?” Amanda asked, also focused on Jessie.

Sonny stood up. “You want anything?” he asked me.

“Why don’t I come with you.” I accompanied him to the bar.

As we waited for out drinks, Sonny said, “hey look about that date thing, I hope you don’t think that I was out of line, or that I’m still…you know..”

“Sonny, you’re my best friend and I love you. Your friendship means the world to me, I just want to make sure you know that.“ I said nudging his elbow.

Sonny smiled and shuffled his feet.

“And don’t be embarrassed, about the date thing. I’m actually flattered. No one has ever really asked me out before.” I reassured him.

“What?” Sonny looked incredulous. “But Barba?”

“Actually, I talked _him_ into taking me to dinner.” I laughed as I recalled the memory.

“Huh, that’s not what would have expected. But then neither was a gift.”

“Yeah, well _that_ I didn’t expect either! But you deserve it, you’ve worked really hard for this. Congratulations Sonny.” I smiled and we both picked up the drinks we’d ordered and headed back to our table.


	55. Lie-ins

It was Sunday morning and Raf and I both had the day off. It was the first one we shared in quite some time and were looking forward to spending some quality time together. I had woken up at 7am. Damn body clock!

I didn’t move, not wanting to wake Rafael who was still sleeping peacefully. It was nice to see his face free from worry, even if it was while he was sleeping.

My fingers gently grazed his jaw, feeling the delightful sensation of the scuff that had developed over the last few days. I loved the way it tickled my skin when his face rubbed against mine. I watched him for a while before dozing off again.

I woke again when Raf got up. It was 9am and he made his way to the bathroom. He disappeared into it leaving the door wide open. I rolled my eyes, I could never get him to put the toilet seat down.

* * *

 

Expecting him to return to bed, I closed my eyes, and listened to the tap running for a few minutes, but didn’t feel the the familiar spring in the bed beside me when the water stopped.

Opening my eyes, I propped myself up on my elbows to get a clearer view of what Raf was up to. He had covered his face in shaving foam and was looking for his razor. Leaping out of bed, I rushed into the bathroom to stop him.

“Whatcha doing there?” I asked as I pushed myself onto the edge of the sink cupboard, just as he brought the razor down to his right cheek.

Raf raised his eyebrow at me. “Does this really need an explanation?”

“It does! Wash that stuff off. You don’t need to shave today. It’s Sunday, we can relax!” I said trying to pull his razor from his hand.

He sighed and held on tightly. “I would prefer to finish what I’ve started.”

“You’ve barely started!”

“Priti, please let me finish.” It wasn’t a question. His tone was final and a little angry.

“Sure,” I said quietly. “I’m doing back to bed.”

Raf didn’t answer but he did look a little guilty as I stalked back into the bedroom, climbed back into bed and closed my eyes.

After ten minutes, I’d relaxed a little and Rafael had returned to the bed. I refused to open my eyes and acknowledge his presence.

He tentatively place his hand on my hip, I could feel the hesitation in his touch.

“Priti,” he whispered.

I yielded and turned to face him.

“I didn’t mean to snap at you,” he continued when he knew he had my attention.

Pulling his arm around my waist, I said, “I know.”

Raf nuzzled his face into my neck and I buried my hand in his hair, massaging his scalp which I knew he enjoyed.

“Was there a reason?” I asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Reason? For what?” Raf asked looking puzzled.

“For snapping.”

Raf sighed and rolled away from me onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He looked a little sad and I felt bad for pushing the point.

“Promise me you won’t laugh?” he asked.

“I hate when people say that, it actually makes me want to laugh.” I looked at Rafael and smiled, he didn’t smile back. “Sorry, go on, I won’t laugh.”

“There is quite a lot of gray hair in my beard.” I was looking at the ceiling again.

I looked blankly at Rafael, still waiting for him to make a point. I stayed silent, waiting for him to continue.

Eventually he looked at me, as if expecting a response.

“Gray hair? That’s why you’re pissy?” I asked incredulously.

The scowl I received made me regret my choice of phrasing.

“Raf, so what if you have gray hair!” I said emphatically.

“It just makes things more obvious about us.”

“Raf, I’m pretty sure I’m not following your train of thought.”

“I’m eleven years older than you.”

“Did you _just_ figure that one out?” I asked a little sarcastically.

Raf sighed again.

“Does it bother you that much?” I asked, suddenly afraid of where he was going with this.

_Why is he talking like this? What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?_

I sat up abruptly. Raf reached over and wrapped his hand around my arm.

“It doesn’t bother me, cariño.” Raf sat up too and shuffled over to be closer to me. “I was afraid it would bother you.”

“Have I ever given you any indication that it would?”

“No but I…” he stopped, not knowing how to express his insecurities. “I was worried that you might think I’m too old or something.”

One of the things I have always admired about Rafael is his confidence, some might even call it arrogance, but I loved that he knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to go and get it. He hadn’t had it easy in life and I was so proud of what he had achieved, but hearing him admit that he was afraid was new to me. He hadn’t even admitted being afraid of the threats against him.

“Rafael Barba, I need you to listen carefully, because this is extremely important. It doesn’t matter to me that you are a little older than I am, it doesn’t matter how you look, although I am quite partial to the way you look. What matters to me is that you are the love of my life, there is no one on this earth I would rather be with, share my life with. I never want you to forget that. Comprende?”

Raf smiled. “Si.”

I pushed Rafael backwards so he was lying down again and put my head on his chest.

“It’s a pity you shaved though. The beard was hot.” I smiled as Rafael’s chest rumbled with laughter.


	56. Aching Muscles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To my dearest @larkistin, Priti very much appreciates the inspiration you provide.

I walked through the front door and practically collapsed against it.

“You’re back!” Raf appeared suddenly in the hallway.

“Yeah,” I said a little pathetically. I was exhausted, I had just been bouldering with Sonny and was feeling especially floppy.

Raf came over and relieved me of my backpack before planting a kiss on my lips. “I’ve just finished preparing stuff for dinner. It just needs to go in the oven. Why don’t you go take a bath, the hot water should help with the aching.”

“Since when did you become an expert on aching muscles?” I asked.

“Since I got old and creaky!” Raf laughed, ever since he had voiced his concerns about our slight age difference, he had been more jokey about the whole matter.

“Maybe the old man needs to come and show me how that works!” I laughed walking to the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

I sat on the edge of the bathtub, waiting for it to fill with water. I’d taken a quick shower to wash off the grime and was only wearing a towel. Raf walked into the bathroom as the tub was just over half full. He walked over and turned off the tap.

“Hey!” I objected. “That’s not enough water!”

“It’s plenty, you don’t want it to overflow, I’m not spending the evening mopping up the bathroom floor.”

“Raf, sometimes I wonder about your judgement. Look!” I dropped my towel on the floor and climbed into the bath, the water barely covered my breasts. “See?”

“View’s not bad from where I’m sitting,” Raf smirked.

I splashed him with water as he laughed.

“Why are you here?” I asked

“I came to show you how this works.” he started taking off his clothes.

I smiled, finally understanding why he had turned off the tap. Raf undressed pretty quickly and climbed into the tub behind me. The water level rose up to my shoulders, enveloping me in it’s warmth.

I leaned back on Raf’s chest and he wrapped his arms around me. He pushed my damp hair over one shoulder and pressed his nose against my ear. I could feel his warm breath on my neck, the steady flow of air against my skin sent tingles all over my body and a small moan escaped my lips.

Rafael took this as an invitation to continue with his plans. He started nibbling on my ear, before moving down to my neck. As his mouth worked on my neck, his hands moved over my chest, cupping my breasts, pulling me closer to him.

I felt his hips buck slightly, pushing his growing erection against me. I gripped the edge of the bathtub and rubbed myself against him, making him moan into the nape of my neck where he was sucking. There would definitely be a hickey there once he had finished.

Raf lifted his head from my neck briefly to whisper in my ear again. “Sweetheart, I thought I was here to help you to relax, let me take care of you.”

I turned my neck to face him, his features were so gentle, so caring and a feeling of love flooded my heart. Raf moved one hand up to my face and tilted it up to kiss me. As we broke apart, I turned straightened my neck and relaxed back against his chest.

“Go ahead counselor, show me how it’s done. You have no objections from me.”

“Good, I didn’t want to have to get any warrants to grant me access.”

I laughed as Raf rubbed my arms, then my torso, down to my thighs. He massaged them slowly, working his way inwards.

“Raf…” I whined slightly, I was really turned on and starting to feel desperate for his touch to become more intimate.

“Patience, cariño.”

“I have plenty of those and I’m sick of them at them.” Raf laughed at my play on patience and patients. “Could you just hurry up and fuck me already?”

Raf hooked his hand under one of my legs. “Lift you leg up for me please.” He lifted my leg over his, spreading my thighs. Reflexively, I bent my other knee giving Rafael more of an opening. He used his leg on the same side to anchor me as he rubbed his palm over my folds.

“Rafi, _please._ ” I practically begged him.

His laughter was low and deep and made the longing I felt even worse. He took pity on my and plunged his fingers between my folds, he traced circles around my clit with this long, slender fingers.

“Oh God, Raf, I’m gonna…” I could barely finish my sentence, I was teetering on the edge of an orgasm, when Rafael stopped fingering my clit.

I tried to object but no sound came.

“Don’t worry, we’re going to do this the right way,” Raf growled before dipping his fingers into me, 

Water slopped over the edge of the tub as he pushed his fingers into me over and over. I thrust towards him as the tips of his fingers pounded my g-spot with increasing intensity.

“Great, I really didn’t want to clean water off the floor,” Raf grumbled.

My laughter turned to a gasp as my orgasm overtook my body. I clenched around his fingers, pleasure pulsing through my body. Raf slowed down and caressed my clit, making my fingertips tingle in ecstasy.

Slumped back against Rafael, I tried to catch my breath. My body felt like noodles and I’m sure it was only Raf’s arms around me that was stopping me from sinking under the water.

I lay in his arms in post-orgasmic bliss until the water was too cool to tolerate.


	57. Dessert is served

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raf wants dessert, he doesn’t mind what kind or where he puts his tongue.

“Do we really have to go through this much effort for a child’s birthday party?” Rafael asked.

“Raf, its Noah’s birthday. You’re practically his uncle!” I answered.

“How old is the kid again?”

I rolled my eyes. “Three, Rafael! Noah is three years old.”

“But do we really have to _make_ a cake?”

“Actually they are puppy shaped cupcakes. You can do wonders with icing!” I waved a tube of icing in his face.

The oven timer pinged letting me know that the cakes I’d baked were ready. It had been the aroma of said cakes that had attracted Rafael to the kitchen in the first place.

I pulled out the fresh batch of cupcakes; they looked prefect. I was glad I’d hung out with my sister when she baked. She had been a chef and made the most wonderful desserts.

* * *

 

Raf reached out to pick up one of the cupcakes, but I swatted his hand away.

“Not yet, you’ll ruin your appetite. Lunch first, cake is for the party. Plus you snack entirely too much and neglect your vegetables terribly.”

Raf pouted.

Now, I think he looks so adorable when he does that. I’m not sure if he knows how I feel and takes advantage of that fact. I resisted this attempts at sympathy, with difficulty.

I set to work, icing covering not only the cakes, but my fingers and for some reason, my face. Raf watched me make a mess all over the kitchen counter, a mess that I knew he wouldn’t help clear up.

After a good half hour of creative icing and uttering a variety of profanities, I dropped two little sweets into the last cupcake.

“The sweets are meant to represent eyes,” I informed Rafael.

“I see,” was all he had to say.

“Raf, remind me never to offer to make a cake for anyone ever again.”

“I wish I were the kind of person who could refrain from saying ‘I told you so,’ but I’m not. I did say that it was a bad idea.”

If looks could kill, Raf wouldn’t stand a chance in hell.

“Any chance you’ll help me clear this up?” I nodded at the clutter, hands held out in front of me, like a surgeon who had just scrubbed up.

“Of course,” Raf said.

I was surprised by his answer, that is until I saw the smirk on his face. Rafael took my hand and place my thumb in his mouth, sucking the icing clean off my skin. He worked his way across one hand, taking my whole finger into his mouth, swirling his tongue around my digits, sucking at the tips, the whole time looking directly into my eyes. I was breathing heavily already, my underwear already soaked with anticipation.

Rafael leaned towards my face and I tilted my face up in response, expecting a kiss. As he got closer, rather than aiming for my lips, Raf licked my chin. I hadn’t even noticed that there had been icing there!

He kissed me hard, tongue in my mouth, I could taste the icing on his.

He half-sang softly, “she can be white, she can be brown, she’s always easy, goin’ down, goin’ down!”

I giggled at the use of these particular lyrics, as we’d just been to see the recent revival of Tick Tick Boom. “What exactly are you implying Mr Barba?”

“You know exactly what I like, Mrs Barba,” he said seductively. “You got me kissing your feet.”

“Easy there, cream puff,” I said as Raf pressed against me again. “You’re going to ruin the cupcakes!”

“The cupcakes are fine!” Raf said, leaning around me to check. In the process he noticed the tube of icing, which he grabbed excitedly.

“You’re not going to eat directly from that are you?”

“No, that wasn’t my intention.” Raf quirked an eyebrow and looked me up and down. My eyes widened as I realized what he wanted.

“Really?” I asked.

Raf nodded and motioned me over to the couch where he stripped my of my clothes. It didn’t take long, I was only wearing shorts and one of his old t-shirts.

“Lie down.” It wasn’t a question, it was a command, a command I obeyed instantly.

Raf climbed on top of me, straddling my hips. I noticed that his bulge was much more prominent than normal. He still had the tube of icing in his hand.

“Open your mouth,” he said.

I did.

Raf squirted some icing onto my tongue, it tasted divine. I closed my eyes and moaned, my chest rose as I took a deep breath.

Rafael cupped one of my breasts and using the tube, drew a spiral of icing around my nipple. He moved over to the other side and did the same.

I watched his eyes as he worked, they had a hungry, excited look which made me tingle.

Raf shuffled down my body until he was sitting between my legs. He disposed of his shirt and pants, leaving only his boxers and the clear signs of his arousal.

He leaned over my naked form and slowly licked the icing from me with the broad flat of his tongue. The sensation was almost explosive, even more so now that he had started to grind his hips against mine.

I was starting to feel a little desperate for some skin contact. I ran my fingers through Rafael’s hair and tugged at it gently as he sucked on my other nipple.

“Rafael, is that all you’re going to be eating today?” I asked breathily.

Raf looked up at me and smiled wickedly, “not at all, sweetheart.” And with that he moved further down the couch, taking my legs in his hands and pushing them apart. He took one quick glance as my face before plunging his tongue between my folds and caressed my clit.

I cried out in pleasure, “Oh God, Rafael.”

“Cariño, you taste better than the icing.”

All I could manage was a moan in response.

Raf laughed again and climbed up to my face, his whole body weight pressed against me.

“You’re not done already are you?” I asked.

“No, that was just the appetizer. I’m here for the three course meal.”

“Well you’ve certainly wet my appetite. Now get off me, I want a taste too.”

Raf got up and pulled me to my feet. We stood face to face while I ran my fingers all over his body, placing kisses in places I knew got him excited.

“Do you want to try some of the icing?” Raf asked as I pulled down his boxers.

“I prefer salty over sweet.” I replied, stroking him. “Why don’t we have the main course in the bedroom?”

Raf took my hand and led the way. He lay down on the bed and I quickly brought him to his full potential with some well placed kisses and caresses.

Before either of us knew what was happening, he was inside me, pushing, gently at first, allowing me to adjust to his size. It wasn’t really necessary, I was ready.

“Hurry up Raf, I’m so ready for dessert.”

He was more than happy to oblige. Our hips clashed together as he pushed into me hungrily. Our hands seemed to be everywhere, greedily stealing every delicious sensation.

Suddenly Raf slowed down. “Are you ready?”

His question confused me at first, but then I felt him throbbing inside me and realized that he was almost finished. I loved that about Rafael, he always willing to wait for me, he wanted us to finish together.

I shook my head. I was close, but I needed a little more stimulation. I reached down to help myself, but Raf got there first.

“Just tell me when, okay?” he said.

I nodded.

It didn’t take much long after that, after a minute I was screaming at him that I was on the edge. He started pounding into me furiously. I clenched around him, waves of pleasure crashing through my body.

Raf threw his head back and swore as he emptied his load into me, ecstasy pumping through him with his orgasm.

Raf collapsed beside me, we were both breathing heavily. We lay together in silence trying to catch our breath, savoring the remnants of the bliss we’d brought each other.

Raf spoke up first. “So you ready for dessert?”

I looked at him incredulously.

“I could really do with some cake.” Raf wiggled his eye brows.

“Fuck, the cakes!” I’d forgotten to put them in the fridge. I practically fell off the bed as I rushed into the kitchen to make sure my hard work had not been a waste of time. I heard Rafael’s low rumbling laughter float after me.


	58. Crazy Golf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Priti and Sonny try to convince Rafael to play with them.

“You should come Barba!” Sonny said suddenly. He was standing around in the hallway waiting for me to get ready.

“I _don’t_ think so Carisi,” Raf sounded disgusted at the mere suggestion.

“Come on!” Sonny’s Staten Island accent sounded particularly prominent when he was excited. “You’re already dressed appropriately!”

Raf scowled at him. He was sitting on the couch wearing a turquoise polo shirt and light colored cargo shorts and had his bare feet up on the coffee table, in true Raf style.

“Dressed for what?” I asked, I hopped around trying to pull on my shoes without bending down.

* * *

 

“Crazy golf! I was just saying to Rafi here, that he should come play golf with us,” Sonny said wiggling his eyebrows and grinning cheekily.

Raf scowled again as Sonny’s casual use of _Rafi_.

I loved the idea. I hadn’t invited him to join Sonny and I because it had never occurred to me that it might come. But hearing Sonny inviting him so enthusiastically made me feel a little guilty for not considering it.

I went over and sat beside him, still holding one shoe in my hand.

“It would be great if you came,” I said, tilting my head to the side slightly. A little quirk I had when I really wanted something.

“Do you really see me walking around hitting a small ball into a hole with a stick?” Rafael asked sarcastically.

“Priti, let’s just go, it’s probably best that Barba doesn’t come and embarrass himself,” Sonny decided to put his oar in.

“Really Carisi? You think reverse psychology is going to work?” Raf rolled his eyes.

Sonny just smiled that goofy smile of his cocked his eyebrow and said “chicken.”

“You know what Carisi, some of us are adults and behave accordingly,” Raf said scathingly. I knew he was just saying these things to counter Sonny’s argument but I still felt a bit put out by his insinuations.

I pouted.

Sonny laughed. “Barba, your arguments are going to have you sleeping on the couch tonight!”

Raf looked at me, with his shining green eyes and I instantly forgave him.

“Counselor, it’s okay if you’re not good your first time,” Sonny said, trying to be sympathetic, but I could see the twinkle in his eye.

“Please Rafi?” I tugged at his fingers slightly.

“Fine.”

I flung my arms around his neck, shoe and all and kissed him. “Come on!”

He groaned and made a show of getting off the couch. I slapped his butt playfully, encouraging him to move it along.

Sonny and I smirked at each other as Raf went to fetch his shoes.

* * *

 

 

18 holes later, Raf had wiped the floor with us and wiped the smirks off our faces.

“Not my first time Carisi,” Raf patted Sonny’s back as he walked over to the cabin to deposit our clubs.


	59. Growing Pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting to know Mike.

I sat in the corner of the squad room, but instead of writing my report, I watched Chief Dodds marching around barking orders at different officers. It was heartbreaking to watch him working as though everything was normal. I couldn’t help but think back to a conversation I’d had with Mike a few months ago. 

* * *

 

“Hey Doddsie!”

Mike gave at me a withering look as I sat down at the table beside him. He was writing up his report for the Gilbert case. I could see that it was affecting him more than other cases.

“How are you?” I asked.

“Fine thank you,” Mike replied, ever the pragmatist.

“Sure about that?” I raised one of my eyebrows questioningly.

“Should I not be?”

* * *

 

“It’s just that thing you said about your brother.” I paused a moment before continuing carefully. “It must be hard, you know, identifying with the bad guys.”

“I don’t identify with that man. He is a killer,” Mike replied abruptly.

“I’m sorry Mike, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

He looked at me after a moment. “You didn’t call me Doddsie,” he said suspiciously.

I smirked. “I thought it best not to aggravate you before I less than subtly interrogate you about your family.”

“I have a screw up younger brother, a father who's hard on discipline, and a really free-spirited mother,” Mike said sarcastically.

“That’s some baggage you got there,” I said, pressing for information despite Mike’s tone. As a doctor, I’d learnt the fine art of asking uninvited questions and being utterly shameless about it.

“It’s nothing for you to write home about.”

“That’s alright, I’ve got no one to write to,” I offered him an opening to ask about me.

“What about Barba?”

I rolled my eyes, “I mean _home_ home. Back in San Francisco, where I grew up.”

“You’re from the West Coast?” Mike sounded surprised. “I just assumed that you grew up here.”

“I’ve been here since I was 18.”

“You said you had no one back there, what did you mean?” Mike asked.

I shrugged. “My parents died in a car accident really soon after I was born. My grandmother had a heart attack when I was 11. I lived with my 4 older sisters until I moved to Manhattan for college.”

“You have four sisters?” Mike asked, looking surprised. “You never speak about them! I mean I know all about Carisi’s family, three sisters and a multitude of nieces. Rollins has a delinquent younger sister and hands off mother. How do you keep so quiet about them?”

“In pretty much the same way we’ve never heard about your not so successful little brother,” I gave him a small smile. “Actually about five years ago I lost them in an accident at the nightclub one of my sisters owns. Well, technically we all own it, because each of us helped pay for it, but those are just logistics. Sorry I’m babbling.”

I looked at Mike, he looked horrified and speechless. I could tell he was searching for the ‘right’ thing to say, but his silence was becoming a little uncomfortable.

“So, now you know my life story, it’s totally your turn. You have to pull out all the stops, no holding back. Hit me!” I tried to lighten the mood and pull Mike out of his reverie.

“Matt,” he said. “My baby brother. He is only two years younger than me and did the opposite of everything I did.”

I laughed. “Familiar story.”

“You know my father, imagine how that went down.”

“Not very well, I can only assume.”

“Dad wanted us to be like him, he told us that when we were pretty young. He had our lives planned out for us. We had our duties and responsibilities as men in the Dodds family, we had to live up to the name.”

”That’s some legacy you had hanging over you!”

“Yeah, well we were pretty in awe of Dad when we were kids, he had a _presence_ ,” Mike continued.

“He still does!” I interrupted.

Mike chuckled. “He always brought his important friends over for dinner. He seemed like a big guy in our young, innocent eyes.

"In all honesty, he terrified me. I did as I was told. Matt didn’t, he questioned things all the time. 'Why do we have to go to all these boring dinners and always be on our best behavior?’ He said when we were kids.

"Dad said I needed to study criminology at college, so I did. ‘The best way to get me into the force,’ he said. Matt had no interest in joining the police academy, he wanted to study art history. Dad didn’t get it, blamed me for not setting a better example.

"Matt was always my responsibility. Whenever he got in trouble he would always call me. And I would always fix it for him.”

“Because you’re a good brother,” I said.

Mike shook his head. “No because I didn’t want Dad to be disappointed in me. I’ve always wanted his approval and I never understood why Matt didn’t care. I hated it when he yelled at us, at me.

“Like when we were kids, Matt and I used to play outdoors, and Matt used to bring home a variety of little creatures, caterpillars, beetles, spiders, one time a dormouse! He’d keep them in jars in our room. He and I used to stay up at night and watch the caterpillar cocoons hatch. When Dad wasn’t home, Mom would come watch with us.”

Mike smiled at the memory.

“Dad had a fit when he found them. Called Matt a pansy. How was he supposed to be proud of a kid who preferred to play with bugs than play soccer with all the other kids.

"Then he would turn on me and remind me that I should set a better example for my little brother. He would ground us both, over Mom’s protests.”

“That was harsh. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to keep creepy crawlies under your bed,” I frowned at the implications that Dodds senior, (or Dadds as I often referred to him in my mind), was making.

“Oh Dad doesn’t have anything against people who do enjoy that, he doesn’t think that there is anything wrong with it,” Mike defended his father, loyally. “It’s just not what he expected of _his_ sons. He had very specific ideas of what he wanted from us.”

“That sounds as though it would have been very hard on two young boys,” I empathized.

Mike shrugged, wincing slightly from the movement. His shoulder still caused him some problems from when Yates shot him, even though it was a few months ago.

“I think Matt and I were just very different people. Matt is quite similar to Mom, they got on really well together. Sometimes I felt like I was very much on the outside,” Mike reflected.

We sat in silence for a moment before he continued.

“It’s been like that most of my life, at the police academy, at work. 'The Chief’s son, you gotta be careful what you say to him, don’t get too close, he’ll report you to his Dad.’ The only place I really felt part of a team was when I joined special forces after 9/11… and here.”

“Special forces! That must have been tough?” I asked. “Especially back then.”

“Yeah, it really brought us together as a unit. But… we don’t see much of each other since we left,” Mike sighed heavily.

“Why not?” I asked.

“It’s hard to be together after all that, particularly since all of us can never be together again.” Mike fiddled with his pen distractedly.

“I’m sorry.”

He nodded. “It is what it is.”

I put my hand on his arm in what I hoped was a comforting gesture.

“I’m glad you like it here,” I smiled.

“Thank you for treating me like my own person rather than the Chief’s kid, Dodds junior, or my personal favorite, MiniDodds.”

I blushed, that nickname had been thrown around by the team.

“I can’t imagine it would be easy to fit in with an introduction like that.”

“It did make things easier when it came to cleaning up Matt’s mistakes though,” Mike lamented.

“What kind of trouble did he get into?” I asked curiously.

“Mostly drug possession, he would be picked up at parties, stoned, high. Always promising that he would clean up his act, get a job, make something of his life.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, how did he get into that type of thing?” I asked.

"He only applied to arts programs in college and much to Dad’s chagrin, Matt went.” Mike shrugged. “He used the money the Pop pop gave us.”

“Pop pop?” I have him a quizzical look.

“Dad’s dad. He went a little soft when he retired from the force, according to Dad. Gave Matt and I little trust funds for college,” Mike smiled fondly at the thought of his grandfather.

“Ooooh, sounds like a controversy!”

Mike laughed. “It was, funnily enough! So Matt did what he wanted to do. And what his friends wanted to do. He told me that studying art was much more enlightening and enjoyable after a joint. Somewhere between being a rebellious kid and a recreational smoke, things just spiraled out of control. Now Matt is off in Mexico trying to get his life into some sort of semblance of order.” Mike ended with a sigh.

“Do you miss him?” I asked

“Yeah,” Mike whispered. “Not the constant pleas for help and bailing him out of trouble, it’s actually a relief to not have that anymore. But I miss having someone who understands the pressure of being our father’s sons.”

“It’s a lot of pressure.”

“Hey look, thanks for listening,” Mike said bashfully, rubbing the back of his head with his hand.

“Well in all fairness, I’m the one that asked.”


	60. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Priti isn’t coping too well with the threats Rafael is receiving.

“Priti!” Rafael shook me gently. “Cariño, wake up!”

He ran his hand over the side of my face and I sat up gasping. I felt like there was a pillow over my face, suffocating me.

Flashes of my dream continued to invade my semiconscious state. Flames surrounded me, burning my skin.

I clawed at the covers, trying to pull them off me, but somehow they seemed tangled between my legs. I could feel sobs wracking my body as I struggled to free myself.

“Priti, it’s okay, everything is alright.” I heard Raf’s voice, though it sounded distant.

* * *

 

I suddenly became aware of Rafael’s hand on my back. He was rubbing my shoulders, moving his hand in slow, gentle circles. It was starting to have the soothing effect that he intended.

“Cariño, I promise, you’re safe, no one is going to hurt you,” he said.

Rafi peeled the covers off me slowly. The cool breeze which hit my skin was incredibly calming and I stopped crying so hard. He crawled closer to me and wrapped his arms around me.

I still couldn’t shake the images from the dream. The flames ebbed away leaving the image of cold metal walls in every direction.

I pulled him closer and shivered, the details of the dream still haunting me and without the blankets, my clammy skin sent chills through my spine. Tears still spilled from my eyes as I lay trembling in Rafael’s arms. He held me tightly, rocking gently and whispering soothing words in my ear as he stroked my hair.

Every time I closed my eyes, I could see the image of the morgue, as though it had been tattooed on the inside of my eyelids. I clutched Raf’s arm and pressed myself to his chest. The beat of his heart was incredibly comforting. I counted each beat, strong and steady. I focused on the numbers, rather than the image of Rafael lying on my autopsy table.

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally felt calm enough to pull away from Rafael. He seemed startled when I moved. He had stopped talking and rubbing my back. I think he was falling asleep and who could blame him, it was 3am.

“Priti, sweetheart, are you alright?” he asked, worried.

I nodded. “I’m so sorry, Rafi. I didn’t mean to wake you,” I mumbled, my nose stuffy from crying.

“Don’t be silly. You don’t have to be sorry. I’m here for you, always.”

I blanched at his words. Rafael’s keen eyes picked up the change in my demeanor despite the darkness in our bedroom.

“Priti, what was your nightmare about?” he asked.

“Rafi, please, I don’t really want to talk about it.”

I climbed out of bed and padded into the bathroom. Turning on the tap, I splashed my face with water. Finally fully conscious, I felt rather ridiculous about the strong reaction I’d had to the nightmare. It wasn’t just a dream, it had been a very vivid nightmare of Rafael’s death. It had been a recurring theme of late, despite the fact that Felipe Heredio was now behind bars. We still didn’t know who had paid him to threaten my husband and the lack of answers had me on edge.

I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes were red and puffy. I felt a little disgusted with myself. I wished that I hadn’t disturbed Rafael with my reaction. I didn’t want to see me like this, he had already felt terrible that I had been involved. I didn’t want to give him more cause to be concerned.

There was a soft knock at the door. “Cariño? Are you okay?”

_Oh well, I thought, so much for not being concerned._

“Come in Rafi,” I answered.

Raf stuck his head around the door and on seeing me standing by the sink he came inside. We stood facing each other silently.

Raf finally broke the silence. “Please talk to me.”

I sighed and sank down to sit on the bathroom floor.   I dropped my head, letting my hair fall across my face. Raf sat down opposite me, he pulled my hair back and pinned it with the hair clip that I normally kept by the sink.

“You don’t get to just brush me off, not after tonight,” he said. “Priti, this isn’t the first nightmare you’ve had.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked.

“You’ve been calling out in your sleep for the last 2 weeks.”

I hadn’t known that. I remembered the dreams I’d had. Sometimes I saw the death of my sisters, sometimes it was Olivia, but more often than not, I dreamed of losing Rafael. They always ended in the same way, I’d walk into the morgue to find him lying on my table.

“I…” I started but had no idea how to explain what I saw.

“Priti, I wish you didn’t have to be afraid like this. We have the security detail. Plus there is no way that Liv or Carisi are going to let anyone hurt you.”

“It wasn’t me that I was worried about.” I looked at him and he finally understood that my fear wasn’t for myself.

He crawled around so that he was sitting beside me, our thighs touching. “I’m so sorry that I’ve gotten us involved in this mess.”

“Rafi, it’s not your fault.”

“Yes. Yes, it is. The day we got married, I promised to protect you and I’m not doing that at all. I’ve just brought this nightmare into our lives. Priti, I wish I could fix this, I wish I knew how.”

I took his hand and laced my fingers between his. “We’ll get through this together,” I smiled up at him. “We can do anything together, you and me.”

Raf smiled back at me sadly. “These are things I wish we didn’t have to do.”

“Come, let’s go and watch a movie, I don’t really want to go back to sleep right now.” I stood up.

“Fine, as long as it’s not Pitch Perfect.”


	61. Booyah Harvard Law

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barba and Carisi go head to head in the court room.

“Dwayne Carter murdered that man. It’s plain and simple.” Rafael said angrily.

“ _That_ man stopped his daughter’s rapist and murderer!” Liv countered. “Something we couldn’t do!”

Rafael was silent for a moment. “I don’t have a choice. The DA wants me to prosecute this case.” 

“What about extreme emotional distress? Doesn’t that count for anything? Plead him out.” Liv asked.

“Why are you coming down so hard on this guy?” Sonny asked. He had been incredibly upset about this case.

“The law is the law, why should he get a pass on taking another man’s life?” Rafael answered.

* * *

 

Samantha Carter, a fourteen year old girl, had been sexually assaulted and killed by her tennis coach. Her father, Dwayne Carter, had been devastated. Sonny had spent most of his time with her father during the investigation.

I had performed the autopsy and collected as much evidence as possible. Luckily there had been some partial prints on Samantha’s belt buckle, which had led us to her tennis coach. His prints were on the files for the Education Department, since it is a requirement for certification or employment in schools. This had been enough evidence for a warrant to obtain a sample of David Granger’s DNA.

I ran the semen sample I’d collected from Samantha’s rape kit for DNA and compared it to the sample provided by Granger. The computer flashed up a match and this is when our luck seemed to run out. I went over to hit the print button when the computer crashed. Despite my best efforts, there was no trace of the analysis it had just performed. I would have to rerun the test.

In my anger, I had not noticed a lab technician standing at the table over the original samples. I collided with him, spilling sodium hydroxide on the samples, effectively destroying the evidence. The loss of the DNA evidence lead to a mistrial, an outcome that Samantha’s father did not take well.

“David Granger was never found guilty of Samantha’s rape or murder. Technically he was an innocent man. Dwayne Carter murdered an innocent man! The fact that we can’t prove otherwise makes this discussion a moot point.” Raf continued.

“But we can’t prove that Carter killed Granger either.” Sonny insisted. “Can’t you just, you know, blow the case.”

Rafael looked at Sonny coldly. “I will not compromise my integrity as a prosecutor. I will try this case to the best of my ability.” That said, Raf stalked out of the squad room.

Sonny, Olivia, Amanda and I remained in the squad room. We all shared a feeling of disappointment in the system. I felt particularly guilty. Sonny was very vocal about his feelings. He had spent a lot of time with Carter, and they had similar religious values and were both from Staten Island.

“This isn't fair, Carter is a good man. A good Catholic. I’m not condoning what he did but how would anyone react to their child being slaughtered mercilessly,” Sonny spat out his words bitterly. “He loses his daughter and we can’t get her justice but instead we’re sending him to jail. He can’t afford an attorney and what public defender is going to fight for him?”

There was silence for a minute before Amanda piped up with a rather interesting suggestion. “Why don’t you defend him Carisi? You care enough to be a good advocate for him. After all you are a board certified attorney!”

“That’s an amazing idea! Sonny, what do you think?” I loved the idea. It was time for Sonny to put his skills to the test.

“I don’t know you guys, I don’t have the experience,” Sonny sounded hesitant.

“How else are you going to get any?” Amanda asked testily.

"You've been shadowing Raf on plenty of cases. You know what to expect." I added.

“Let me think about it,” Sonny said, clearly already mulling it over in his mind.

“Think fast, arraignment is in the morning,” I said, patting his shoulder before leaving.

* * *

 

 

I lay in bed as Raf paced around the room muttering. “Carisi is representing Carter? Is he serious? Who does he think he is?”

It was the evening after arraignment and Sonny had decided he was up for the challenge, even if it meant facing down Rafael in court.

“Why does this bother you so much? Scared that Sonny is going to show you up in court?” I smirked.

“Please,” Raf scoffed. “But don’t think that I’m going to go easy on him because he is a rookie or my friend.”

“I don’t. Frankly, that would be insulting.” My eyes twinkled at Raf calling Sonny his friend. I don’t think Rafael had noticed what he had said.

* * *

 

 

On the first day of the trial, we were all ready and waiting in court. To say that Sonny was nervous would be an understatement. He looked pale, he was sweating. Amanda and I had tried to give him a pep talk but it had been of limited success. Sonny was now sat at the defense table with Carter, shuffling his notes anxiously.

Rafael glanced over at him from the prosecutor’s table. It was hard to fathom what he was thinking from his expression.

I was about to go over to give Sonny some more words of encouragement, but Judge Barth made her appearance.

“All rise. Court is now in session, the honorable Judge Barth now presiding,” the court bailiff announced.

“Please be seated,” Judge Barth said. “Today we will be hearing the case of the People vs Dwayne Carter. I see we have Mr. Barba and for the defense, Detective Carisi? To what do we owe this honor?”

“I am Mr. Carter’s attorney, your Honor,” Sonny answered meekly.

“Congratulations on passing the bar, Mr. Carisi.”

Sonny smiled. I hoped this would boost his confidence a little. We had worked on his opening arguments together. Rafael hadn’t been pleased, but I had batted away his protests and reminded him that he didn’t need my help.

“The prosecution may proceed with opening arguments,” Judge Barth continued.

Raf stepped around the table to address the jury.

“Members of the jury, after you have heard the evidence, we are confident that you will find the defendant guilty of murder.

“The defense will argue that Mr. Carter acted under extreme emotional duress, but it is clear that he murdered a man. Mr. Granger was under police investigation but was never convicted of any crime and Mr. Carter had no legitimate reason for his actions.”

Rafael puffed out his chest and walked back round to his chair, undid his jacket and sat down.

“Mr. Carisi?” the judge gave Sonny his cue to begin.

Sonny stood up and took a deep breath before walking up to the jury, his face set in grim determination.

“Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am Dominick Carisi...” Sonny just stopped himself saying junior. “And I am representing Mr. Dwayne Carter.

“My client, Mr. Carter, has been charged with first degree murder in the death of David Granger. I am going to prove to you that Mr. Carter is not responsible for the death of David Granger. The prosecution has no physical evidence to support this accusation.

“At the conclusion of this case, you will have no doubts that Dwayne Carter did not kill Mr. Granger.”

Sonny finished his opening statement with a slight air of relief and hurried back to his seat.

“Mr Barba, your first witness if you please,” said Judge Barth.

“The people call Dr Warner to the stand,” Rafael announced his first witness.

I was glad that I hadn’t performed the autopsy on David Granger. I don’t think I could have faced answering Rafael’s and Sonny’s questions objectively. I watched as Melinda presented the evidence to the jury. She talked about the frenzy of the stab wounds that Granger has sustained, suggesting that the killer was emotional or angry.

“Objection!” Sonny shot to his feet. “That’s prejudicial rather than probative!”

“How so Mr. Carisi?” the judge asked.

“Your Honor, Dr. Warner can't testify to the attacker's state of mind from physical evidence.”

"You're right, objection sustained.”

Rafael glared at Sonny, Sonny smirked back. This is going to be interesting, I thought.

“Dr. Warner,” Rafael started, slowly and carefully choosing his next words. “In your medical opinion, what do the nature of the wounds that the victim sustained tell you about the attack?”

“The jagged nature of the wound tracks where Mr Granger was stabbed suggests that the attack was violent in nature,” said Melinda.

“Thank you Dr. Warner. That’s all your Honor.”

Judge Barth motioned to Sonny. “Your witness.”

Sonny walked over to Melinda and smiled at her. “Hey doc!”

Melinda smiled back, “Det...Mr. Carisi.” It was hard to resist Sonny’s charms.

“So you performed the autopsy on Mr. Granger?”

“That’s correct.”

“And you found that the he was the victim of a rather violent attack because the wound tracks were jagged, is that correct?”

“It is.”

I noticed Rafael tilt his head back slightly and roll his eyes. I poked him in the back, making him turn to face me. I glared at him, indicating that he should behave himself.

“Dr. Warner, could you tell me how this indicates that my client is responsible for the death of Mr. Granger?”

“I can’t testify as to who is responsible for the attack, just to the nature of the attack.”

“So, doc, are you telling me that there is no physical evidence that my client, Mr. Carter attacked the victim?”

“I can only testify to my physical findings.”

“Is that a yes or no, Doctor?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you Dr. Warner,” Sonny returned to his chair, looking satisfied.

* * *

 

 

“Your Honor, the prosecution’s case is baseless,” Sonny stood up suddenly. “I object to this line of questioning.”

Raf had Fin on the stand and was clearly about to question him on Carter’s confession, which had lead to his ultimate arrest.

“Counsel approach!” Judge Barth said, looking exasperated.

Both Sonny and Rafael walked up to the bench and had a whispered conversation. I peered closely at their mouths to try and decipher what they were saying.

“Your Honor, my client’s so called confession isn’t admissible,” Sonny whispered.

“Why is that Mr. Carisi,” Judge Barth asked.

“Because it’s privileged information,” Sonny replied.

“That’s ridiculous, Carisi!” Rafael exclaimed.

“I’m Carter’s attorney, anything he says or has said to me, past or present is confidential,” Sonny countered.

“You took his confession as a detective.”

“But now I’m his attorney and my client has his right to attorney client privilege, just like everyone else, Mr. Barba!”

I could see Raf purse his lips in frustration. They both turned to the judge for a ruling.

She looked back at them in silence for a few moments, pondering over the arguments Rafael and Sonny had presented to her. “We have attorney client privilege to encourage open and honest communication between clients and attorneys. By allowing this confession, it would be breaking this privilege, and that’s just not acceptable. I’m sorry, but the confession is out.”

Sonny and Rafael just stood and stared at her for a moment, then looked at each other, both a little dumbfounded for completely different reasons. Rafael stalked back to his table looking a little sulky. Sonny walked back slowly, as though unsure of what to do next.

A tense silence blanketed the courtroom. No one had heard the whispered conversation and had no idea what would happen next. I looked between Rafael and Sonny expectantly, but neither of them spoke.

Eventually the judge spoke up. “Mr. Carisi?”

“Your Honor?”

“Would you like to make a motion at this point?”

Sonny looked at her for a moment before leaping to his feet. “Yes your Honor! I move for this case to be dismissed based on the lack of evidence to prove the defendant committed the crime.”

“Very well, due to the lack of evidence from the prosecution, this case is dismissed without prejudice. Mr. Barba, you will be free to re-try this case should you obtain sufficient evidence.” The judge banged her gavel.

The gallery erupted; a large section of it was made up of Carter’s family. Dwayne Carter nodded his thanks at Sonny but he looked defeated. Which was to be expected after the loss he had suffered. The Carter clan made their way out of court. Sonny followed slowly, he looked solemn but I could tell he was secretly thrilled. As he walked past Raf, who was packing his briefcase, he stopped briefly to whisper “Booyah Harvard Law!”


	62. Trip To The Theater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Priti and Rafi go to see Groundhog Day.

Raf and I walked out of the August Wilson Theatre hand in hand. I was grinning like the Cheshire cat and when I glanced across at Raf, I saw that he was smiling too, a sure sign that he had had a good night.

We had just seen a new musical written by Tim Minchin, based on an old classic movie, called Groundhog Day. I had been a little skeptical when Raf had suggested it, but it didn’t take much convincing once I had heard who had written the show.

For those of you who don’t know, Groundhog Day, or GHD for short, is a story about a a weatherman, Phil Connors, who is out to cover the annual emergence of the weather-predicting groundhog (also called Phil) in the small town of Punxsutawney. He gets caught in a blizzard, (that he didn't predict!), and finds himself trapped in a time loop. He is doomed to relive the same day over and over again until he gets it right. 

* * *

 

“What did you think?” I asked curiously. We enjoyed deconstructing things we had seen together and I was excited to talk about this evening.

“I thought it was a little...repetitive,” Rafael looked at me, smirked and wiggled his eyebrows at me.

I laughed and shoved him playfully. We walked down 8th Avenue, avoiding the crowds before looking for a cab.

“I enjoyed it; definitely an improvement on the movie. I always thought it was a bit slow. But I guess that comes from the nature of the the plot, most time loop stories start off slow,” Raf continued.

“Maybe that’s slightly true, _but,_ BUT, that’s what builds up to the excitement of Phil realizing that he ‘ _can do whatever he wants.’”_ I mimicked the way in which the line had been said in show.

Rafael smiled, he had a mischievous glint in his eye. “So, if you were stuck in a time loop, what would you do?”

“Well, if _I_ had my time again, I would learn more languages, play the guitar, try _everything_ , even if it was just once! I actually would love to do some krav maga!”

“Oh that’s wildly adventurous!”

I frowned. “Fine, what outrageous thing would you do?”

“I think we could have a lot of fun...” Raf said airily.

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“I mean would you ever consider having sex in a courtroom?”

I snorted. “Would that be in an empty courtroom or do you need an audience?”

“I didn’t know you were an exhibitionist!”

That comment earned him a punch on the arm!

“Maybe your desk,” I said a little shyly.

“How about the Alice in Wonderland statue in Central Park?”

“Under Dippy the diplodocus’s skeleton in the Natural History Museum.” I laughed.

“In the New York Public Library.”

“The Temple of Dendur!”

“Okay, I have to draw the line somewhere!” Raf joked and shook his head.

“How about on that revolving stage?” I asked. The stage of the Groundhog Day musical was made up of five revolving circles, making the show even more amazing to watch.

“I think that would require more co-ordination than I’m capable of.”

“Come on, Phil is capable. I mean, he once masturbated _7_ times! In one evening!”

“He said it wasn’t fun!”

“But still, it’s nice to know he can!” I winked at Raf and he rolled his eyes.

“I definitely enjoyed the second act more and the songs worked really well.” Raf said as he hailed an empty cab.

“I’d say it was pretty magical too! I’m impressed with the deception they used!”

"You know what, I thought that the guy playing Phil Connors looked a lot like Dodds, don’t you think?" Raf asked as I climbed in to the cab.

“Really?” I said skeptically as Raf closed the door behind me.


	63. Period Pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Priti and Rafi talk about their future.

I crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head without speaking.

“What’s wrong?” Rafael asked without taking his nose out of his file.

“Nothing,” I answered, my voice still muffled despite me poking my nose out above the covers.

We were both silent for a while before Raf spoke again. He put down his file this time.

“Priti?” he said softly.

I didn’t answer, feigning sleep.

“Priti, I know you’re not sleeping.”

I hesitated before opening my eyes. “What is it?”

* * *

 

“Priti, you think I can’t tell when something is bothering you?”

“That’s debatable.”

Raf frowned. I smiled fondly at the way his nose and eyes crinkled when he frowned.

I rolled over to face Raf and he snuggled down under to covers so we were face to face.

“You look…” Raf sighed, trying to find the appropriate word. “Disgruntled.”

I bit my lip for a moment before replying. “I started my period.”

“Oh,” Raf seemed a little taken aback at my answer. “I…you’ve never…I appreciate that it’s probably not the most pleasant time of the month, but…”

I laughed. Seeing Rafael stuttering was a rare and rather adorable phenomenon.

“Raf, the actual period isn’t the problem.”

“It’s not?”

“It’s…” I sighed. “It’s just that…I thought that maybe…”

“Maybe?”

“I was a bit late and I thought…” I tailed off, unable to finish my sentence. Raf understood.

“You thought you were pregnant.”

I nodded, turning my head away to hide the tears that had sprung into my eyes. I felt Raf’s snake around my waist, pulling me towards his chest. He buried his face in my hair and nuzzled my ear.

“It will happen.”

I turned back to look at him. “Why do you sound so sure?”

“Because when I look at you, I know that we can do anything together.”

“But what if…what if there is a problem?” I asked hesitantly.

Raf looked at me silently for a moment, then said, “if you had a patient come and see you, what would you say to them?”

“I would say that it often takes over a year of trying for a woman to get pregnant. I would say that you need to have sex regularly throughout the month to increase your chances of falling pregnant,” I smirked at Rafael and he grinned back.

“Are you saying we don’t have enough sex?”

“That’s debatable,” I teased.

Raf laughed. “You know that there is an easy solution to that problem.”

Rafael slipped his hand from my waist down my thigh. I squealed and slapped his hands away.

“Raf! Really not the time!”

“But you just said…” Raf started.

“That I just started my period!”

Raf did that thing he does where he turns down the corners of his mouth and raises his eyebrows, meaning he hadn’t considered it but was open to the idea.

“Ewww, Raf, gross!”

We both laughed.

A silence settled over us, Rafael kept his arm around me, I could feel him watching me as I stared up at the ceiling.

“It’s not fair though,” I said eventually.

“No.”

“All those women, who don’t even want a child, getting ‘knocked up.’ It’s not fair. When we want…” my eyes filled with tears. “We would love our baby so much…”

“We would,” Rafael smiled. “We’ll get one. Whatever it takes.”

I look over at Rafael and he looked back at me earnestly. I smiled sadly and snuggled deeper in his arms. “Good night Rafi.”

“Night cariño.”


	64. In Memorium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Priti and Sonny talk about Dodds.

“Do you guys know what this is about?” I asked.

“No, Liv just summoned us here,” Amanda replied.

“This had better be good,” Fin grumbled behind me.

I glanced over at Sonny, who looked as puzzled as I felt. We piled into Olivia’s office, scattering ourselves on various seats. We had barely been there for 2 minutes before Liv and Chief Dodds marched into the room.

“I’m glad you’re all here,” Liv started. She was smiling. “We have some news for you. Actually, the Chief has some news. I’ll let him tell you.” She motioned towards Dodds.

“I hope you didn’t drag us down here for a lecture, this’d better be good news,” Fin said looking disgruntled.

The Chief smiled, “I should think you find this agreeable. In fact, why don’t I show you instead.” He walked over to the door that joined Liv’s office to the interrogation room and pulled it open.

There stood Sergeant Michael Dodds, smiling and very much alive.

* * *

 

“Hey guys!” he said.

His greeting was met with silence, in fact we were all rather dumbstruck.

Fin was the first to find his voice. “Dodds, is that really you?”

“In the flesh,” Mike answered.

“You’re alive,” Amanda whispered, smiling.

“Last time I checked, yeah!” Mike responded.

“Well the last time we checked, you weren’t!” Amanda said a little angrily.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Mike rubbed his nosed.

Sonny stood up suddenly and went over to Mike and embraced him. “It’s good to see you man.”

“It’s good to see you too, Carisi,” Mike said, returning the hug.

Amanda was next, even Fin supplied an incredibly affectionate handshake. I approached Mike last and he smiled down at me and opened his arms. Instead of accepting his hug, I punched him in the chest.

“What the hell Mike?” I said angrily, and my lip trembled slightly.

Mike rubbed his chest and said, “well I guess I deserved that.”

“An explanation would be nice,” Sonny requested.

“Well, as you guys already know, I joined the Joint Terrorism Task Force. And I’d already started working on a case with them. Getting shot by Munson was actually good thing for them, they faked my death and sent me off undercover. Turns out, the people we were investigating had ties in several different locations. I’ve actually been in London.”

“You got shot and then got to go to London? That’s pretty impressive work Dodds,” Fin nodded his approval.

Mike laughed, “well I was just doing my job.”

“It’s good to have you back Doddsie. Sorry about the...” I made a fist and made a punching motion. “It’s really good to see you. I’m glad you’re not...you know.”

“You’d better watch out son, she has a mean right hook,” Chief Dodds patted Mike on the shoulder. “Dr. Halliwell, could I have a word with you?”

“Dr. Halliwell?” Chief Dodds repeated. “Dr. Halliwell.”

I looked up, the Chief was standing over me giving me a rather irritated look. Suddenly I realized that I was in the squad room sitting at a table, and not Liv’s office, as I had thought just a moment ago.

“Sir?” I asked, feeling a little confused. I looked around, Mike was nowhere to be seen. Sonny however was sitting across the table from me, looking a little concerned.

“The report? I’d like to see it when you’re done,” the Chief said slowly, as if he were talking to a child.

“Of course,” I answered and watched as he walked out of the door, passing the large ‘In Memorium’ picture of Mike that was next to the door. I looked at it sadly, wishing that my day dream had been more of a reality.

“You alright?” Sonny asked, after the Chief had left.

I had clearly been gazing off into the distance for a good 5 minutes.

“Yeah, why?” I frowned at Sonny.

“Well you’ve been staring into space for a while. Something on your mind?”

I sighed. I hesitated for a second before using my pen to motion towards the picture of Mike. “Just thinking about Dodds.”

Sonny glanced over at the picture and then back at me. “You okay?”

I nodded.

“I didn’t know that you guys were close,” Sonny continued.

“We weren’t, that’s what bothers me the most about what happened. I didn’t really get to know him, none of us did.”

Sonny shifted uncomfortably in his seat, I could tell that he had the same regrets as I did. “Yeah,” Sonny whispered. “We were all just really weary of him, 'cause he was the Chief’s kid. That wasn’t fair on Mike though, we weren’t fair on him.”

“He didn’t think so, Mike thought we accepted him,” I said sadly.

“You were always really kind to him. He liked you!”

I gave Sonny a skeptical look.

“No really,” Sonny insisted. “I remember after the Gilbert case, he said, _you should get Dr. Halliwell to do the rape kit, she is probably the only one who would give a damn_.”

“How does that indicate that he liked me?”

“Because Dodds was the kind of guy who liked the people he respected, and vice versa.”

I thought back to the case, remembering how Doddsie had opened up about his family. I wished fervently that I had asked sooner.

“He liked you too, Sonny. You guys worked well together. He trusted you. The problem we had was that he was placed in this unit to monitor us, its hard to get past that. It may have been what he started out as, but he was a part of our team in the end. We wouldn’t feel like this if he weren’t.”

“I just wish we’d said that.”

“Yeah, me too.”

With that being said, we both went back to writing our reports.


	65. Making A Rapist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Priti and Rafi talk about Sean Roberts’s trial and his questioning of Melanie Harper.

“Raf?” I crawled into bed, Rafael was already there.

We had come home straight from court, after getting Melanie Harper’s testimony. Rafael had eaten precious little for dinner, which was quite unlike him after a positive outcome in court.

“Rafi,” I called again softly.

“Yeah?” Raf responded slowly, sounding rather subdued.

“Sweetie, I know you’re tired, but I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to talk about what happened in court today?”

“We got the defendant to take a plea. Effectively we won. What’s there to talk about?” Raf snapped and turned his head away.

I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently. “You did a great job. I’m proud of you.” I gave him a gentle kiss on his temple and turned out the light.

We lay in the darkness for a while, both of us were wide awake. After a few minutes, Rafael spoke up gruffly.

* * *

 

“Why are you proud of me? What I did in court was heinous. You know it! If you didn’t think so, you wouldn’t have mentioned it.”

“Rafi,” I snuggled closer to him. “Doing the _right_ thing doesn’t always feel good.”

“If doing the right thing means making a mother feel responsible for the death of her daughter, I’m not sure I know the difference between right and wrong anymore.”

“You did what you had to to put a rapist behind bars. You did it to get justice for Melanie’s daughter. She _knows_ that!”

“I broke her. Now she will always feel responsible for Ashley’s death. I did that.”

It pained me to hear the misery in Rafael’s voice. I tightened my grip around his waist.

“I love you,” I whispered. “I love how hard you fight for everyone. I love how hard you work to get justice for people who are complete strangers. I love that you do it even when it hurts you, because it’s the _right_ thing. Raf, I know it doesn’t feel that way, but you did a good thing.”

Rafael turned to me and said, “I’m not sure I deserve someone like you.”

“Well too bad, you’re stuck with me.”

I felt Raf smile in the darkness.


	66. Barba and The Beast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Priti is feeling a little envious of Rita and Rafael’s relationship.

In retrospect, I may have overreacted but when have feelings ever made a person act rationally?

It all started last week when Raf and I attended one of his fancy functions. It was a gala hosted by the bar association, yet another opportunity for Raf to network and advance his career. Raf always asked me to join him, and I tried my best to at least make an appearance because I knew it would help him.

Mostly I didn’t mind standing at his side as he schmoozed his way around the room, but on that day, he didn’t seem to need my presence, having found several Harvard colleagues, he had drifted away.

Thus, I found myself standing in a corner of the room talking to the esteemed Mrs. Sophia Edwards, a woman that could really only be described as a trophy wife. I was only half listening to Mrs. Edwards' brainless banter, as in a spate of self-pity I was imagining my future as a senseless spouse.

* * *

 

"My husband has really done the rounds over the years, we must know most people here. It must be incredibly difficult starting out in this community now. I'm sure you'll get to know everyone very soon, my dear," Sophia crooned over me.

"I'm sure I shall, Mrs. Edwards," I smiled mechanically.  _If I was interested!_

"That's Elena Barth over there, she used to work with my Walter, he taught her everything she knows," Sophia pointed over to Judge Barth. "She is with Colin McNamara, he went to law school with Walter."

"Really, which law school did they attend?" I asked politely.

"The most prestigious one in the country, my dear, Harvard."

I opened my mouth to agree, but Sophia Edwards was on a roll and I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

It was what Mrs. Edwards said next that really started off the whole incident.

"Now that stunning beauty over there, that's Rita Calhoun, another successful attorney who has worked with my Walter."

To Sophia's credit, she didn't have a negative word to say about anyone in the room.

"I see her talking to the handsome young ADA, Rafael Barba..."

I beamed and she continued without pause.

"They would make a very charming couple, don't you think?"

I'm not sure the smile really had time to leave my face. I think Sophia must have accepted it as a response as she prattled on about _her_ Walter and his acquaintances.

The evening had suddenly become a flat and colorless affair. I gazed over at Rita and Rafael chatting animatedly. It felt like I was watching a movie in slow motion, each gesture they made, the casual physical contact between friends, made my fingers curl into fists.

I am ashamed to admit, I have a small green beast which lives in my heart. (No, it's not the Grouch from Sesame Street!) Her name is Envy. I've done a good job at taming her, but there are times, usually when I least expect it, when she is seems to have a mind of her own. Sophia's words seemed to have angered her.

I eventually managed to shake Sophia and was allowed to be alone with my thoughts. I might have had time to dwell if Raf hadn't swooped me up and led me to the door.

"Cariño, let's get out of here, I'm exhausted!" he slurred slightly, smelling strongly of scotch. He had a twinkle in his eye, which I rarely saw after these events. "I have to get up early for court tomorrow."

"You looked like you enjoyed yourself," I said a little coldly.

Raf smiled, not really noticing my tone. "It's been such a long time since I've really had a chance to talk to some of these people without it being about work. In fact, Rita and I are going to grab some lunch tomorrow."

Rafael opened the cab door and I climbed in quickly and hid my face. I suck at hiding my emotions and I didn't want to spoil Raf's evening. So, I pushed away my little green friend and smiled as Raf climbed in through the other door.

* * *

 

 

The next evening, Raf came home late from work.

"Sorry Cariño, lunch with Rita overran a little and it took me longer than I thought to catch up on my briefs."

He kissed me on the forehead and headed to the bedroom to take a shower. I reheated the dinner I had saved for him. After waiting half an hour for him to come back to the kitchen, I went to see what he was up to, only to find him passed out in bed.

"That must have been some lunch you had," I muttered to myself as I went to clean up the kitchen.

* * *

 

 

A few days later, I found myself sitting alone in La Lanterna Di Vittorio, our favorite restaurant. It wasn't a special occasion, but we had wanted to do something fancy but still intimate and La Lanterna Di Vittorio had become just that for us.

We had agreed to meet after work at the restaurant at 8pm. At 8.30pm, I finally gave in and called Raf. He answered after 5 rings.

"Priti, sweetheart, I don't have time to chat..." he paused, and I heard Rita's voice telling Rafael to hurry up. "Cariño, I have to go."

I hadn't said a word.

Feeling a little embarrassed, I glanced around feeling unsure of what to do. I hadn't ordered anything so there was no bill to pay. Should I just get up at walk out? I felt angry that Rafael had left me in this position. Angry that he had seemingly forgotten our date. Angry that he was with Rita, again.

My train of thought was interrupted by the waiter, Steve, a sweet young man in his mid-20s, who we had gotten to know very well with our frequent visits.

"Mrs. Barba?" Steve asked, hesitantly. I had tried to get him to call me Priti but had never succeeded.

"Hey Steve!"

"Would you like me to bring you anything? I assume Mr. Barba isn't able to attend tonight?" he said. He was surprisingly astute for someone his age.

"Ummm..." I hesitated.

"Would you like me to pack up some risotto for you both?" he asked.

"Yes please," I smiled weakly. As he walked away, my eyes filled with tears.

Ordinarily something like this wouldn't have phased me, but the sleeping jade beast was awake and rearing its ugly head. Thoughts of doubt were slowly creeping into my heart.

_Did he prefer the company of other lawyers over mine? Was I enough for him? Did he prefer Rita's company? Maybe she challenged him in a way that I never did._

As I waited for the risotto, I succumbed to the poisonous thoughts, feeding my green-eyed beast, letting it spread its tendrils of envy around my heart.

* * *

 

 

The remainder of the week passed in a haze. I woke on Sunday morning with puffy eyes and a stuffy nose. Raf had texted me to say he was going out on Saturday night and I am ashamed to say that in a fit of melancholy, I had cried myself to sleep.

Rafael was sleeping soundly beside me, so I crept out of bed to wash away the stains of my sorrow.

I set the kettle to boil, standing by it in a daze. I didn't hear Rafael come up behind me, so when he put his hand on my hip, I jumped, my hand coming into contact with the hot metal surface of the steaming kettle. 

I screamed and rushed over to the sink, shoving my hand under a jet of cold water. The burn was starting to blister and sting. Angry tears pricked at my eyes.

Raf hurried over to me. "Cariño, are you okay?" he asked anxiously.

"No thanks to you," I said harshly.

I could tell he was hurt and taken aback by my attitude and I immediately regretted my choice of words.

I felt like there was a torrential river of emotion building up behind a poorly constructed dam, the walls of which were coming apart with every passing second. Tears were leaking from my eyes.

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Is it really bad, do we need to go to the ER?"

There was fear in his voice, and sympathy, oh so much sympathy. The walls I'd built came crashing down and I allowed a few sobs to escape before letting the cascade of tears flow freely.

"I'm calling an ambulance," Raf turned to grab my phone which was lying on the kitchen counter.

"N...no!" I choked out. The burn wasn't the problem. "Don't do that."

"Priti..."

"I said no!" I shouted.

Rafael froze, almost like a deer startled by headlights. I turned back to the sink, pushing my hand under the cool stream again. I left it there for another 5 minutes. Raf hovered behind me, not wanting to provoke further, but not wanting to leave either.

I finally turned off the tap and patted the wound with a clean kitchen towel. It was a minor burn, it would heal quickly. I walked over to the sofa and curled up into a corner.

Rafael followed at a distance. I chanced a glance at his face and he frowned. I mistook his concern for impatience and snapped at him again.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" I asked.

"No," he said quietly.

"Are you sure? You don't have to meet Rita today?"

"I have the day off."

"Yeah, it's a great time to go meet your new girlfriend," I had blurted out the words before I'd had a chance to think about what I was saying.

"Priti, _what_  on earth are you talking about?"

I stared at my burn sullenly, realizing how absurd my thoughts sounded once I'd said them out loud.

Raf edged closer to me. "Priti, please talk to me. What's going on?"

"You stood me up at La Lanterna," I mumbled, clutching at straws.

"Oh Cariño, I'm so sorry." Rafael slid over to me and pulled me into his arms. "Is that why you're angry?"

I pursed my lips together. _Do I tell him?_ I paused before asking, "would you prefer to be with someone like Rita?"

"Priti, why would you even say something like that?"

"Well, you guys have so much more in common, you went to the same law school, and Mrs. Edwards said you guys make a nice couple..." I tailed off knowing that my words sounded utterly ridiculous.

"Mrs. Edwards!" Raf exclaimed in disgust, "Why were you talking to her? She is a brainless idiot!"

I shrugged miserably.

"Priti, I can't believe you would even listen to _that_  moronic woman!" Raf continued.

Now that everything was out in the open, I was starting to feel extremely foolish, so to avoid my embarrassment, I prodded my burn.

"I'm no doctor, but I don't think that's the best idea," Raf teased.

I felt the tears welling in my eyes again, this time it's because I felt terrible for the way I'd treated my husband.

"Raf, I'm sorry for being such a bitch," I sniffled. "It's okay if you don't like me right now."

Rafael took my face in his hands, this thumbs wiping away the tears that insisted on falling. "No, I like you very much...just as you are.

"You, not Rita or anyone else.” Raf paused for a second before asking, “are you jealous?”

My face flushed with embarrassment.

Rafael laughed, “I never thought you had it in you.”

“To be jealous?” I asked.

“Yeah, I thought that was just me.”

“No, not just you.”

“See, and you said we had nothing in common!”

I chuckled.

“There’s that beautiful smile,” Raf paused for a moment. “Priti, I know that going to these rubber-chicken dinners must be a pain for you, I didn’t mean to make you feel like you’re not good enough for me. It’s the opposite in fact, I drag you to these things because I want them to know how amazing you are.

“I love that you’re not a lawyer, but you’re smart enough to be one. I love your compassion and how you’re always able to see both sides of an argument. I wouldn’t want to trade you in for anyone else, because frankly, I don’t think I could do any better.

"I’m so sorry I forgot about our date. Everything was just happening so fast, there was a motions hearing and we were running really late. It slipped my mind. I know it’s not an excuse, I just wanted to explain.”

I nodded and snuggled into Rafael’s arms. He stroked my hair gently, soothing the emerald beast and sending it back into slumber.


	67. Imposter

“That was quite a case, wasn’t it?” I asked Sonny as I set a mug of coffee in front of him. Sonny and I were sitting in my living room after all the paperwork for Justin Collett’s death was completed.

“Yeah,” was the only answer I could get from Sonny, who as always was shocked at the outcome of events; of not only the trial, but Justin’s fate. I had actually invited him over because I was curious to hear about his interview with Larosa.

We sat in silence for a while, before Sonny suddenly said, “so I take it you want to know how things went at the Brooklyn DA’s office?”

“That would be nice.” I smiled

“Thanks for asking Barba to set that up for me, by the way.”

“Well it was his idea in the first place, I just gave him a little nudge.”

Sonny smiled and said, “well thanks for the nudge!”

“You can thank me by telling me how the interview went!?”

“Well I’d like to say it went well, but they know that I’ve never actually worked as an attorney before. Larosa said that my experience as a detective would be a great asset to their office. It’s helpful to know how us cops work, so that they know when to take things forward and when to get them to investigate further.”

“I bet they loved you.”

“It’s just…” Sonny hesitated.

“Just what?” I pressed.

“I’m not sure it’s what I want right now.”

“But Sonny, you’ve worked so hard for this! Seriously, night school isn’t cheap, you’ve slaved over your books for so many years, plus worked a full time job. This would be a huge step up for you.”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” Sonny teased.

“Don’t be silly,” I got up from my small armchair and went over to sit closer to Sonny on the sofa. “I just thought after all that effort, it’s what you would want.”

“It is… for the future.” Sonny paused for a moment before continuing. “I took an oath to serve and protect. Especially after Dodds passing, I…you guys are my family, I can’t just abandon everyone.”

“Well you wouldn’t be abandoning us, but you’re right, it wouldn’t be the same without you Sonny. You should do what makes you happy.” I smiled at Sonny.

At that moment, the front door opened and slammed shut.

“Cariño, could you…” Rafael started talking as he entered the room but stopped short when he saw Sonny sitting on the couch. “Oh Carisi, I didn’t know you were here.”

“I noticed,” Sonny commented. “Hey Barba, I want to thank you again for setting up that meeting with Larosa, I really appreciate it, man. I was just telling Priti about it. I’m surprised you did, especially after what I said about you not knowing how to do your job.” Sonny looked down at his coffee mug and fiddled with the handle.

“It was no problem. And it would be nice if you didn’t insult me in the future.” Rafael said.

I snorted. “Hypocrite!”

I hopped off the sofa and went to pour Rafael some coffee. Sonny continued to carefully examine his coffee mug, avoiding Rafael’s gaze.

Raf took a seat opposite him and accepted the mug I handed him.

“Did you get everything resolved with Judge Bertuccio?” I asked Raf.

“We’re going with criminal impersonation in the second degree.”

“What?” Sonny sounded disgusted.

“That’s what Judge Bertuccio suggested, along with me losing sight of what my job actually is. He said that I run the risk of having my _pants pulled down in public and my sterling reputation sullied_ ,” Rafael said bitterly.

“Fucker,” I muttered under my breath.

“It would have been a good political move for you,” Sonny took a more objective view to this statement. “Do you actually believe this was rape?” he asked suddenly.

“That man had sex with Laura Collett under false pretenses. She didn’t consent to having sex with him, it’s rape.” Raf said, slightly angrily.

“But on the video, he explicitly asks her if she consents and she does,” Sonny countered.

“But she consented to sex under the impression that he was someone else. That’s not informed consent.”

“He didn’t hurt her, he didn’t force her, I’m not denying that what he did was disgusting and heinous, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s revolting, but she was aware of what she was doing and she consented to having sex. It’s gross, but not illegal.”

“It’s just not acceptable for consent to be based on incorrect or misrepresented information,” Rafael argued.

“I agree. But what Laura Collett did wasn’t exactly on the up and up. Effectively she was prostituting herself, giving sex in exchange for something of value,” Sonny argued.

“So what would you suggest, _counselor_?”

“A change in legislation.”

Rafael scoffed, got up and walked over to the window.

Sonny turned to me and said in a low voice, “I think it’s probably time for me to leave.”

I smiled at him sadly and nodded. “See you later.”

I turned my attention back to Rafael, who was still standing at the window, lost in thought. I slipped off the couch and over to him.

“Raf?” I said gently.

He looked down at me, then wrapped his arm around my waist. “It isn’t right.”

“No it isn’t.” I paused for a moment before asking, “do you want to take it further?”

“I can’t, not now, it’s too late.”

I hated hearing Rafael sound so dejected.

“Raf, you’ve always been allergic to politics, but this was a rather political case for you. How do you feel about it?”

“There are so many things about the law that seem archaic in our society. The law needs to evolve with the times. Everything that happened to the Colletts was wrong, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Now a young boy is dead.”

“That’s not your fault, Rafael!” I exclaimed.

“No, I know. But where is the justice?” Rafael questioned.

I looked at Rafael sadly, I didn’t have an answer for him.

“Priti?”

“Yeah?”

“If I did want to run for a political campaign of some kind, I’m not saying that I am, but _if_ I did, how would you feel about it?”

“Rafi, I’m here to support you, whatever you choose to do.”

“Thank you, cariño.”


	68. Birthday Surprises (Part II)

## Priti

“Psst Sonny!” I hissed in Sonny’s ear as I crept into the squad room.

“Hey Priti, what’s up?” Sonny said cheerily, and very loudly.

I rolled my eyes, _so much for stealth_. Everyone had looked around in our direction, including Rafael, whose attention I was hoping to avoid.

I sat down next to Sonny and gave him an exasperated look. “Do you do anything quietly?”

“I have three sisters, you gotta speak up.”

“I had four! I still learnt the meaning of discretion.”

Sonny had the decency to looked slightly bashful. “So, everything alright?“

“I need your help, Sonny.”

“With?”

I glanced over at Rafael to make sure he wasn’t looking over at us. “I was kinda hoping to throw Raf a surprise birthday party this weekend. And I was wondering if you could help me. Please?” I looked at Sonny, giving him a hopeful grin.

“Oh, Priti, I dunno. Am I really the best person for that?” Sonny said hesitantly.

“Come on! You planned Amanda’s baby shower, it was amazing! Help me, please, please, please?”

Sonny sighed.

“I’m not going to stop asking until you say yes!” I persisted, giving him my best puppy dog eyes.

Sonny’s eyes flicked to where Rafael was standing beside Olivia, deep in conversation. “Fine,” he conceded.

I squealed quietly, “thank you so much, I really appreciate it. I’ll text you!” I leaned across to give him a peck on the cheek, but thought better of it; we were in the middle of the squad room after all. Instead, I gave his arm a quick squeeze and scurried away.

* * *

## Rafael

_For crying out loud, I wish Liv would just once bring me a case with some shred of evidence._

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Priti sidle over and sit by Sonny.

 _What is she doing here?_ _I wonder what she is up to?_

_Concentrate Raf! What did Liv just say?_

“Barba, are you listening?” Olivia asked.

“I just don’t think that you have enough evidence for me to present to a judge, Liv.”

_What are they talking about? Ugh, forget it, just ask her when she gets home._

* * *

## Priti

“Raf! Rafi, I’m just going shopping,” I yelled when I heard Rafael come through the front door.

_Please don’t come over and ask me any questions. I suck at lying. So stupid that my husband can see right through me._

“Priti, what were you doing at the precinct today?” Rafael asked.

_Shit_

“I was just… I dropped by to ask if Sonny was free this weekend to go climbing.” I said. _Why didn’t I prepare an answer for this inevitable question? I’m such an idiot._ “I made some dinner, it’s on the table, I’m just going to drop by the shops.”

I planted a quick kiss on his lips and rushed out the door to meet Sonny at the supermarket. I was planning on storing all the food at his place and doing the cooking there too, to avoid suspicion.

* * *

## Rafael

It was Friday night and I was sitting on the couch, alone, watching Grey’s Anatomy. Yes, Grey’s Anatomy.

_I can’t believe Priti has been out or working late this whole week. I can’t blame her though, she puts up with me when I do the same thing. Would be nice to have her here yelling at this stupid show._

I heard the keys in the front door. “Cariño?”

“Raf!” Priti answered.

“Long day?”

“Yeah, it was.” Priti dropped her gaze, she only did that when she was hiding something.

“Priti, what’s going on?” I asked suspiciously.

“Nothing,” she looked very uncomfortable. “I just…I’m going to hit the bouldering wall with Sonny tomorrow.”

“Oh, okay.” I did my best not to sound disappointed.

_Has she forgotten? She wouldn’t._

“I’m going to shower and go to bed,” Priti headed to the bedroom without so much as a second glace.

I sat on the sofa for a while longer, feeling sorry for myself, before heading to bed. Priti was sound asleep. I got into bed and watched her for a while.

_I love how quickly she can fall asleep. How does her hair end up in every direction? She looks so peaceful._

I wanted to wake her and tell her to ditch Sonny tomorrow, to scream, it’s _my_ birthday. It was supposed to be my day, but she didn’t remember, so I stayed silent.

* * *

## Priti

I’d put my phone under my pillow, hoping the alarm wouldn’t wake Rafael. I crept out of bed and grabbed the bag I’d packed the night before. Rather than climbing gear, I had a dress for the party.

Before I left, I couldn’t resist nipping back into the bedroom to take a quick look at Rafael. He always looked so relaxed when he was asleep, unlike last night. He had looked so forlorn when I had come home. I felt bad that I hadn’t been home and was pretending that I had forgotten his birthday.

Was it really worth it when he looked so lonely and lost. Well it’s too late now. The show must go on!

* * *

## Rafael

I woke late and rolled over to find myself in an empty bed.

_Happy Birthday Rafael, your wife is spending the day with another man._

I was definitely feeling bitter this year. I sighed, got out of bed and went to make myself coffee, only to find a fresh pot ready for me.

_At least Priti thought of me a little today._

I sighed bitterly. I decided to spend the rest of the day reading my favorite novel. It never disappointed.

At 1 p.m. my phone buzzed. It was Olivia.

_For fuck sake, it’s my birthday. Can’t I even have a day off on my birthday._

“Hello?” I answered the phone grumpily.

“Barba, sorry to call you on your day off,” Liv said.

“You don’t sound very sorry,” I said rather rudely.

I think Liv was a little taken aback by my tone because she was silent for a moment, before continuing in a more gentle manner.

“Barba, I would really appreciate your help with a case. Is there any way you could come in, please?”

“Fine, it’s not like I’m doing anything anyway,” I grumbled and hung up.

Polo shirt and jeans. They are going to have to deal with this outfit, I’m not in the mood to change.

* * *

## Priti

“What did he say?” I asked Olivia when she hung up the phone.

“He didn’t sound very pleased at all,” she answered.

“But he is coming, right?”

Olivia nodded.

“Hey, you want me to go keep a look out for him?” Sonny asked.

“Sonny, Raf thinks we are climbing,” I reminded him.

“I’ll do it,” Amanda said. “Here, take Jessie.” She handed her daughter to Sonny who took her happily.

I was feeling anxious. I turned to Olivia and asked quietly, “he wasn’t too upset, was he? He thinks I forgot his birthday and now he has to come to work. And I haven’t been home all week. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea, maybe I should call him and tell him about the party.”

“Woah,” Olivia put her hands up to stop me talking.

I sometimes babble when I am nervous.

“It’s too late, don’t ruin the surprise now. Barba will understand,” Liv said soothingly.

Just then Olivia’s phone buzzed. There was a text from Amanda saying, “we’re coming.”

“Everyone, they are coming, get ready,” Liv said in a very commanding way and immediately everyone was silent.

_She really is the boss._

“Surprise!” everyone yelled as Raf and Amanda walked through the door.

* * *

## Rafael

“ _SURPRISE_! Happy birthday!”

It’s not often that I’m speechless, but I was at this very moment in time. My friends didn’t seemed to mind as they all came to wish me happy birthday.

It was only when Sonny was thumping me on the back that I realized that my wife was probably here too. I looked around and sure enough, there she was, standing alone and watching me intently, wearing that green dress that make her look incredible.

She was biting her lower lip and looked a little anxious. I caught her eye and she looked away. Feeling bad about her deception, I suspected.

“Counselor?” Sonny said softly in my ear.

I turned my head to face him and raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t be too hard on her, will ya?”

I gave him a rather condescending look, but he just smiled. I’m not sure when it happened, but Carisi had become much more confident and willing to talk back.

“I’ll do my best, _counselor_ ,” I replied with as much sarcasm as I could muster.

Sonny only laughed and said, “happy birthday, man,” and walked away.

* * *

## Priti

 _“It’s prom night and I am lonely, lo and behold,_  
She’s walkin’ over to me this must be fake,  
My lip starts to shake…”

_Why am I singing Teenage Dirtbag?_

I watched as Rafael spoke with Sonny briefly before heading in my direction. Everyone seemed to disappear suddenly, it was like Raf and I were the only people in the room.

He walked over to me, I’m having palpitations. _He is smiling, he can’t be too angry, right?_

_Say something, why won’t he say something? Why don’t I say something?_

We stood opposite each other for a moment before Rafael wrapped his arms around my waist. I immediately buried my face in his chest.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lie to you. I just wanted this to be a surprise. Please forgive me.” This all came out in a muffled mess, mostly because I was talking into his shirt.

Rafael pulled away and tilted my face up so he could look into my eyes.

“Aren’t you going to wish your husband happy birthday?” he said gently.

* * *

## Rafael

“Happy birthday, Rafi,” Priti whispered sweetly.

She looked like a princess, in that green green dress that would be such a _pleasure_ to unwrap.

_How could I not forgive her? Maybe I’ll just tease her a little…just a little._

* * *

## Priti

A rather sinful smirk crossed his face. He leaned down and whispered sternly in my ear, “When we get home, you are going to make this up to me. Letting me think you _forgot_ my birthday just isn’t acceptable.”

I hung my head, “I’m sorry Counselor, when we get home, you can give me my punishment.”

“We would have had such a good time today, you and me. Now you’re just going to have to wait until this party is over for me to fuck you,” Raf growled slightly.

“Well we could leave now if you like?” I suggested coyly.

“And miss out on my own birthday cake?”

I laughed, Rafael never missed out on cake. He took my hand and we sauntered over to talk to our friends.

* * *

## Rafael

“Hey Barba, get over here, Jessie and Noah want to give you some birthday cake!” Rollins yelled from across the room.

_Can’t believe they’re letting those kids eat my cake before me._

“Let’s go get some cake,” Priti smiled knowingly.

If anyone is curious, a three year old smearing icing in your face isn’t fun, but worth it to see the delight on your wife’s face.

_Maybe it’s less disgusting when it’s your own child._

* * *

## Priti

I cleaned icing of Raf’s face with a wet wipe. He was sitting grumpily at Fin’s desk as Sonny and Amanda cackled over the clip Sonny had caught on camera.

Rafael watched intently me as I dabbed at his face.

“Rafael, do you think you need to go home and change?” I said loudly.

Rafael smiled, “I believe I do.”

Olivia rolled her eyes, Fin and Amanda sniggered and Sonny wolf whistled as we announced we were leaving.

* * *

## Rafael

I winked at Priti as we grabbed our coats, not bothering to hide our intentions.

_This day was definitely going to end on a much better note than it started._


	69. Birthday Surprises (Part III)

The cab ride home was almost silent. Rafael put his hand on Priti’s thigh, kneading his fingers lightly. To the casual observer, it would seem like a simple gesture, but to Priti, his intent was clear. Rafael worked his way further up her thigh, slowly and seamlessly, his fingertips gently massaging, pushing into her bare flesh. She pulled his jacket onto her lap and adjusted herself to give him better access.

Rafael looked over at his wife but she wouldn’t return his gaze. Her eyes were fixed, looking forwards determinedly, her breathing was deep and slow, forcefully so. Rafael smirked as he brushed his fingers at her panties, they were damp.

The drive seemed like an eternity to them both. Rafael could feel himself growing hard as he touched her. He took a deep breath. _Control yourself, Rafael!_

As the cab approached their apartment, Rafael practically flung the driver’s fee at him and they hurried into their apartment. The elevator ride was agony, they were both acutely aware of the constantly-watching security camera. It wouldn’t do at all to be so public with their desires.

They stood side by side, Rafael brushed his fingers against her thigh and she whimpered. Rafael was glad that he was holding his jacket in front of his crotch because his pants were becoming a little too tight to be comfortable.

Finally the elevator arrived at their floor, Rafael grabbed Priti’s hand and they half ran towards their apartment. Priti dug through her bag and finally pulled out her keys. Rafael, feeling pretty impatient at this point, put his hands on her hips, rubbing up against her slowly. She fumbled with the key in the lock, her haste hindered any actual progress.

Finally, fucking finally, she got the door open! They practically fell through the door. Rafael caught Priti around the waist and pushed her up against the door, slamming it shut.

Their mouths found each other hungrily, exploring each other’s lips, tongues moving together, arousing sensations which spread throughout their bodies. His hands explored the back of that green, green dress, the one he couldn’t wait to unwrap, the one that was currently defeating his nimble fingers.

Rafael growled softly, “How does this damn thing work?”

“Here, let me,” Priti deftly unlatched the clip at the top of the dress and turned around, allowing Rafael to pull the zipper down in one swift motion. She lowered her arms and the dress fell away pooling at her feet. She looked over her shoulder at him, waiting to be told what to do.

Rafael froze for a moment, suddenly unsure of where to start.

“Turn around,” he whispered.

She did, slowly, gracefully. His eyes devoured her, he found her incredibly alluring and arousing. Priti watched him as he looked at her, his eyes on her body, so obviously appreciative. She loved that he made her always feel beautiful.

He reached out a hand, stopping just before touching her. He looked into her eyes, asking for permission to continue. She smiled and nodded. He caressed one of her breasts with his hand, slowly rubbing her nipple with his thumb. He pulled her other nipple into his mouth, he was intent on tasting every part of her. He could feel her trembling as he brushed his lips and fingertips over her skin. His awareness of her arousal increased his own.

Rafael moved behind her, his hands on her breasts, stroking them rhythmically with a strong, steady pressure. Her nipples responded to the stimulation, they ached; the ache spread down her body, intensifying between her legs, and she moved them apart, barely conscious of what she was doing.

Rafael, acutely aware of her movements, took this opportunity to slip his fingers between her folds, into her wet center. He dipped his fingers inside before rubbing her clitoris. Her body stiffened and she took a deep, shuddering breath. She reached backwards, put her hands in his hair and tugged slightly. Rafael pulled away.

“Hey now, I thought it was my birthday?” he chastisized.

“It is Counselor. Tell me what to do, I’ll do anything you say,” she smiled seductively.

“Anything?” Raf raised an eye brow.

She nodded.

“Why don’t we take this to the bedroom?” he suggested.

“Whatever you say, Counselor,” Priti said, stepping out of the puddle of her dress and tip toed to their bedroom. She still had her heels and underwear on and was a sight to behold. Rafael followed closely, not wanting to miss a single movement.

She stopped in front of the bed, waiting for his next instruction.

“What would you like me to do now, Counselor Rafael?”

The way she said his name made him groan longingly.

“I need you to help me with these clothes, cariño.”

Priti moved swiftly, making little work of his shirt. She couldn’t stand the feel of the fabric still separating his body from hers. She unfastened his pants and slipped her hands inside over his waist; thumbs pushing into the hollows of his hips. He shuddered at her touch; so intimate and arousing; he felt himself becoming erect.

Unable to control his urges anymore, Rafael pulled off the remainder of his clothes, and pulled Priti into his embrace, savoring the feel of her naked skin against his. Lips locked, Rafael felt like he was drowning in his desire.

Rafael moved her hands down his body, she touched him lightly; first his navel, fingers moving lightly, tracing his contours, around his hips and into the valleys of his groin. He moaned softly as she rubbed his cojones. Rafael pushed towards her, his penis hard against her belly.

“Sit,” he commanded.

Priti perched on the edge of the bed and looked up at him expectantly. She knew what he wanted, but wasn’t going to give it to him until he asked for it.

“I really want you to use your mouth cariño…please?”

“Always the gentleman,” she grinned, taking a quick lick of the precum seeping from his tip. She took his shaft in both hands and bobbed her head up and down over the tip. As she felt his slow, easy thrusting, she worked faster and faster until Rafael’s breathing became fast and shallow.

She paused and looked up at him. It took Rafael a moment to become aware the she had stopped. She wanted all of him, needed to feel him deep inside her.

“Why did you stop?” he asked.

“Please Rafi… I want you.” Her eyes and voice were filled with desire, how could he deny her?

She pulled his face down to her so she could kiss him again, drinking him in. He could taste the salt on her lips, her lust was intoxicating.

“I thought … it was … my birthday?” Rafael managed to say, between kisses.

“Hmmmmm,” was the only response he received. She had put her arms around his neck, holding him close as they kissed.

Rafael climbed onto the bed and they edged backwards slowly, never breaking contact.

 _When had she removed her panties?_ Rafael thought to himself as he positioned himself between her legs. He put his hands between her legs, testing her readiness. She tensed as he slipped two fingers inside her, while circling her clit with his thumb. His touch was electric and an appreciative moan escaped her lips.

“Rafael … please … Rafi…”

She exhaled slowly as she felt him penetrating her, her sigh of pleasure echoing his. He was slow at first, he was always afraid of hurting her with his length, but she gave in to him; she always did.

She rocked her hips to meet each thrust, matching his rhythm, her body convulsing beneath his. Rafael quickened his pace, every movement increasing his sensitivity, he felt himself getting closer and closer to release.

Priti slipped her hands under her hips, tilting herself so that he brushed her clit with every stroke. She arched her back as her muscles clenched involuntarily, tightening around him. Her orgasm sent waves of pleasure surging through Rafael’s body, the building tension shattered into a cascade of explosions radiating through him from head to toe. He thrust a few more times, emptying his load into her before collapsing on top of her.

Rafael rolled over slowly so there were lying side by side.

“Happy birthday Rafi,” he heard her whisper.


	70. The Yates Hotel

“Raf, come on! If we don’t make a move, we’re not going to get there tonight!” I yelled out of the car window.

“Worried about running into ghosts?” Raf smirked as he hopped into the passenger seat.

“You’re the one who enjoys all the horror stories! I don’t think even _you_ would want to end up staying at Bates Motel on All Hallows Eve!”

“Well I’ll give you that. So how about you quit your yapping and start driving.” I scowled at Raf before putting the car into drive.

* * *

Several hours later, we were driving through what could only described as the hundred acre wood. A storm cloud had crept up behind us and I found myself speeding down country lanes to get ahead of the looming clouds.

We had just entered a thick patch of trees when it finally hit us. The rain started off slow at first, but before we knew it, it was pelting down on the windscreen, slowing our progress to a crawl. The darkness had also stolen in and the frequent strikes of lightening were giving the trees surrounding us a rather malevolent presence.

We had been driving in silence for a while, both feeling a little tense about the poor visibility.

“Well we certainly wouldn’t want to bump into Voldemort here tonight.” Raf said casually.

We glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

Our laughter was interrupted by another burst of lightening and sudden spluttering of the car engine. The car stalled and rolled to a halt.

“See what happens when you mention You Know Who!” I exclaimed.

Rafael just rolled his eyes.

“Now what?” he asked, as the rain pelted the windows angrily.

We sat in silence for a moment and peered through the windows into the darkness. Suddenly I noticed a small light in the distance.

“Raf…” I started.

“Is that a light?” Rafael cut me off.

“Looks like it could be a house,” I speculated.

“Hopefully somewhere we can call for help.”

“Do you really think anyone is going to come out here?”

Raf looked up from his phone long enough to give me a dirty look. “Nothing is showing up on my GPS.”

“Do you have any signal?” I asked a little patronizingly.

“I’m actually not sure.” Rafael frowned at the phone and flashed it at me to confirm.

“Huh, it’s like the place doesn’t exist.”

“So what’s the verdict? Shall we check it out?”

“We don’t have anything to lose, and we don’t really want to sleep in the car. Plus I kinda need to pee.”

“Guess your bladder settled that decision.”

“Do you think we should maybe wait til the rain slows a little?” I asked.

My question was answered by a bolt of lightening striking a nearby tree causing one of its branches to fall to the floor.

We looked at each other wide-eyed, then grabbed our bags from the back seat and dashed towards the light and the glowing building just visible through the trees.

* * *

 

Five minutes later, we found ourselves standing at the door of a rather eerie looking estate, much larger than we had initially expected. The front doors seemed to be make of oak and there was a large knocker on the door, adorned with a small gargoyle.

This should have been intimidating and an indicator of something suspicious, but the five minute run between the car and the hotel had left us somewhat damp. In fact, we were drenched and covered in mud. This made the decision of ‘to knock or not to knock’ a no-brainer.

Rafael rapped the knocker several times. The noise seemed incredibly loud despite the continued storm which surrounded us.

The door opened just as another bolt of lightening lit up the heavens. I gasped and jumped toward Rafael, grabbing his arm as an enormous man appeared in front of us. For a moment he had looked strangely like Frankenstein’s monster.

Normally, I’d expect Rafael to be clicking his tongue at me, but he looked a little startled himself.

“Hello. How may I help you?” Frankie (let’s call him) asked. His voice was deep and rumbling like the thunder that rolled around us.

“We were hoping to use your phone to call for assistance. Our car as broken down. What kind of establishment is this, may I ask?” Raf took the lead in questioning Frankie.

“This is the Yates Hotel.”

“The Bates Motel?” I asked nervously.

“No, the _Y_ ates _H_ otel,” Frankie corrected.

I looked at Rafael, and knew he was thinking the same thing I was. Hopefully the establishment wasn’t run by a psychotic man who killed and stuffed his mother. I’d always found taxidermy a little unsettling.

“Would you happen to have a room for tonight?” Raf asked.

“Come with me,” Frankie turned and led us into the lobby. “Please wait here.” He left us at the front desk.

I took the opportunity to have a whispered conversation with Rafael.

“Really? You want to stay here?” I hissed.

“What’s not to like in a quaint little place like this?“ Raf picked up a small pillow from a nearby chair and tossed it at me. "Who doesn’t dig a crochet pillow case like this?”

He pointed at an old fashioned landscape painting above the desk. “Water colors and iconic vistas, painted by octogenarian spinsters!”

I rolled my eyes hard at him. Shoving the pillow back in its rightful place, I turned back to the front desk to find a petite blonde woman. I yelped quietly. I knew Rafael was snickering to himself behind me.

“Good evening, Mr. and Mrs….?”

“Barba,” we supplied in unison. We smiled at each other, it never got old!

“Mr. and Mrs. Barba, my name is Norma. Would you like a room for the night?”

“Yes please,” Rafael answered immediately.

I nudged Rafael and he flashed me a half grin. I could tell he was thoroughly enjoying himself, despite his damp attire. Raf really enjoys a good horror movie!

“Would I be able to offer you our honeymoon suite?” Norma offered. “No extra charge.”

“How could we refuse?” Raf accepted the offer quickly.

Norma smiled serenely for a moment before very loudly and harshly shouting “Giles!”

We both jumped. Turns out Frankie’s real name is Giles.

He appeared out of nowhere it seemed. Giles picked up our bag and led the way to the honeymoon suite. On closer inspection, I’m not sure why it was called the honeymoon suite, there was nothing romantic about it.

Upon entering the room, the air became suddenly cold. There was a sense of overwhelming sadness and dread. The room seemed to take on a life of its own; sad, angry, and cold.

The drapes on the windows, the heavy blankets on the four-poster bed and the thick rug on the floor exuded age. A musty, dank odor crept into my nose. Black mold dotted the ceiling in clusters, evident of rain seeping through the roof.

The floorboards creaked heavily as Giles deposited our bag at the end of the bed and trudged out of the room, leaving Raf and I standing around feeling a little uncomfortable.

“Now what?” I asked uncertainly.

“We may as well get some sleep,” Raf said, already removing his damp clothes.

Reluctantly, I did the same. Maybe it was the unfamiliar surroundings, maybe it was just paranoia, but the hotel made me feel very uncomfortable, like I was being watched. I gazed around the room, my eyes settling on a rather ugly painting of a blonde woman, who had an uncanny resemblance to our host, Norma. If I didn’t know any better, I’d have said that she was watching me. I shivered and crawled into bed, snuggling up close to Rafael, for warmth and comfort.

“You’re such a ‘fraidy cat,” Raf teased, he put his arm around me and pressed himself against me. I appreciated his gesture.

Rafael fell asleep and started snoring pretty quickly, but I struggled to sleep. Every creak, every rattle seemed to be too close. The stormed raged on outside, the wind howled through the cracks. Suddenly, the grandfather clock chimed loudly, making me jump out of my skin.

Raf stirred slightly at my movement, but didn’t wake. A flash of lightening lit up the room and I caught sight of the painting in front of me. The portrait of Norma, it looked different. Confused and curious, I crept out of bed and turned on the small lamp on the dresser next to the painting. As I looked up, Norma’s eyes turned and looked directly at me. I gasped and stumbled backwards, tripping over our bag and landing unceremoniously on the hard wooden floor with a loud thud.

The noise woke Rafael with a start. He called out my name when he noticed that my side of the bed was empty.

“Priti?” he sounded panicked.

I scrambled to my feet. I definitely was panicked! I scurried over to the light switch and flicked it on. My breath was coming hard and fast and I was trembling, from cold and fright.

“Priti, what’s going on?” Raf flinched as I turned on the light.

“Sh..she moved!” I said shrilly and pointed at Norma.

“What are you talking about?” Rafael sounded groggy and grumpy.

“The woman in the painting, she moved. Her eyes were facing the window before, how they are looking at me.”

“Did you have a nightmare?” Raf asked a little condescendingly.

“No!” I felt a little hysterical. I started putting my clothes back on. “I’m not staying in here.”

“Where exactly do you expect to go?” Rafael asked exasperatedly.

“Away from _that_ thing!”

“Fine, how about we take it off the hook and turn it around so she doesn’t look at you anymore?” Rafael padded over to the painting and tried to take it off the wall, but it wouldn’t budge.

“Looks like we’re stuck with her,” Raf shrugged. He looked looked at me and then back at the picture. “Norma’s not so bad.”

He put his hand over her eyes and said, “there, problem solved!”

There was a rumble of thunder and the lights flickered. When they came back on, Raf’s eyes widened. Norma was now looking in his direction. He backed away slowly.

“You know, I think there may be some merit to your argument.”

“Hurry up and put on your clothes!”

“Let’s go and find our hostess and request a room change.”

As we headed for the door, there was another flash of lightening, and then darkness.

“Fuck!” I swore, so did Rafael, but his profanities were preceded by a clunk has he walked straight into the metallic bed frame.

I turned on my phone, shedding a little light, letting Rafael safely maneuver around the bed. He grabbed the candlestick that was sitting under painted Norma. Luckily there were a pack of matches right beside it.

I held the candlestick while Raf fumbled with the matches, both of us making our way out of the room with the light of my phone. Raf successfully lit a match and held it to the wick of the solitary candle. The light of the candle illuminated more of the empty corridor we found ourselves in. I saw something that made me stop short, causing Rafael to collide with me.

“Priti!” Rafael rebuked. “Why did you do that?”

“Look!” I motioned towards the wall. There, on the wall was another portrait of Norma, in the same attire, but with a different background. Her eyes focused on us with a penetrating gaze.

“Let’s go,” Rafael pushed me forwards, urging me to keep moving along the corridor. But with every turn, there she was, staring, always staring. In the pictures Norma resided in, she always looked the same but there was a different background.

“Did you see these paintings when we came up to the room?” I asked Rafael.

He shook his head. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she was following us.”

“I think we’ve been watching too much Harry Potter.”

“Let’s just find the _real_ Norma.”

We hurried on, finally reaching the front desk. There was no one to be seen and we hadn’t met anyone along the way. Rafael rang the little bell, once, twice, half a dozen times, no answer. No Norma, no Giles, just silence, even the sounds of the storm seemed muted. The silence was almost sinister, giving the sensation of something lurking in the darkness, unseen and ready to pounce.

“What now, Raf? What do we do?” I asked.

“We can’t be the only ones here, can we?” Rafael demanded.

“We can’t exactly go around knocking on all the doors, can we?”

“Why not?” Rafael was feeling jumpy and it was making him irritable. “Come on!” He grabbed the candlestick and led the way into the darkness.

He walked purposefully, pushing open every door he came across. I scurried after him.

“Raf, is this really a good idea?“ I hissed at him, but he pressed on, Norma accompanying us, expression getting more malevolent with each exposed room.

A new sound suddenly caught my ear.

“Raf!” I whispered. “Rafael! Listen!”

We both stopped and listened.

“Priti, it’s just the rain!”

“No it’s not. Listen!”

Rafael listened again, the music finally catching his ears.

“Hear it?” I asked.

He nodded.

“You’re going deaf in your old age,” I joked.

Raf rolled his eyes and we moved towards the melody. As we got closer, I recognized the song. It was I _Only Have Eyes For You_.

“Geez, this song gives me the creeps.“

We approached the room emitting the music. Rafael reached out for the door knob.

"Shouldn’t you knock?” I asked.

Raf looked at me exasperatedly. “Really? You’re still thinking about manners?”

“Do you want to anger the spirits further?”

“When did you become so pragmatic?”

“ _Knock_!”

He did. There was no answer. He knocked again. We pressed our ears to the door, but the only sounds we heard were The Flamingos.

“Can we go in now?”

“Be my guest,” I motioned for him to open the door.

We entered cautiously. Every fiber of my being was telling me to leave, but I couldn’t let Rafael go alone.

As the door swung open, we saw Norma sitting in a rocking chair by the window.

“Excuse me, umm, Norma?”

There was no answer.

“We want to know what’s going on in this place,” Rafael demanded.

The chair creaked as Norma turned around. We both gasped. The figure addressing us was a sight to behold. Norma was dressed exactly as we had seen her earlier that evening, with her hair elegantly done up. Her face on the other hand was a charred mess, she looked like she had been burnt to a crisp. One of her eyes looked like it was about to fall out of its socket. A flap of skin hung off her face, barely concealing the bony structure underneath. My stomach turned as she suddenly screamed.

“FIRE!”

We backed out of the door simultaneously and fled. Raf grabbed my hand and we practically sprinted through the hallways to the front door. We came to a grinding halt as we met a locked door.

“Raf!” I shrieked.

“I’m trying!” Rafael barked back at me as his fingers grappled with the lock. After what seemed like an eternity, the lock finally clicked open and Raf tugged at the door. It was stuck!

We heard a groan behind us. It was Frankie, I mean Giles, looking a lot more worse for wear than when we first met.

My heart was beating wildly. Rafael was still tugging at the front door. I clutched at the handle around his hands and together we gave it an almighty tug. The door flew open, almost sending us flying to the floor.

Without taking a second look at Giles, we rushed out into the rain, not stopping or looking back until we reached the car.

“Keys! Where are the keys?” Raf yelled.

I rummaged through my pocket frantically.

_Where are the keys? What if I left them in there?_

“Found them!” I yelled triumphantly.

We scrambled into the front seats, I jammed the key into the ignition and turned over the engine. It choked and sputtered, but eventually roared into life. I floored the gas pedal and we drove as quickly as possible away from that godforsaken hotel.

Rafael peered through the rear window, but there were no visible signs of the Yates Hotel.

Raf turned up the heating in the car, we were cold and wet, again.

“Cariño, you okay?” Rafael asked after half an hour. “Shall I drive? You must be tired.”

“Actually, that would be great.” I’d not had any sleep and was starting to feel very drowsy, now that the adrenaline had finally worn off.

Rafael drove for a little longer while I dozed in the passenger seat. In what seemed like no time at all, we reached a small village. Raf pulled up outside a small cafe and woke me.

We found ourselves sitting across from each other in a booth by the window, looking out at the murky sky. It had stopped raining, finally! 

“Was last night real?” Rafael finally spoke.

“Folie à deux?”

An elderly waitress came over to take our order. Doris, it said on her name tag.

“Howdy folks! What can I get y’all this fine morning?” she asked, a little too cheerily for my liking.

“One coffee and one tea, please,” I answered.

“You folks look mighty tired. Where have y'all come from?”

Raf and I looked at each other, wondering how to answer the question.

“We’ve just driven through the Hudson Woods,” he said. “Tried to stay at the Yates Hotel, have you ever heard of it?

“Did y’all say the Yates Hotel?” Doris drawled. “Don’t y’all know the story?”

We shook our heads.

“It all happened about 15 years ago. I’m sure it was the butler who did it. His name was Giles. He worked for Norma Yates, the lady who ran the hotel. They were having an affair, ya know. Well her husband found out and left her. She was real mad at Giles for telling him. She told him to get out, she never wanted to see him again.

“That upset poor Mr. Giles a lot. Upset him so much that he swore that if he could have Norma Yates, no one would. So he burnt the hotel to the ground while Norma was still inside. No one ever saw hide nor hair of Mr. Giles every again. Nice try, thought y’all could fool old Doris with a little Halloween joke, right? Well, let me get you folks your drinks.”

Doris sauntered away, oblivious to the bombshell she had dropped.

“Did last night actually happen?” I finally asked.

“Do you really want to go back and investigate further?”

“Let’s just chalk it up to those mushrooms we had for dinner last night.”

I snorted, “they sure were some magic mushrooms.”

“I should probably give Sarah a call and let her know where we are.” Rafael pulled out his phone and a small business card slipped out and floated onto the table.

“What’s this?” I flipped the card over. It read The Yates Hotel.

Rafael and I looked at each other and then back at the card, which suddenly caught alight and disintegrated right in front of us, leaving no trace of its existence.

“I think it’s time for us to leave,” I said, standing up.

“Yeah, we can call Sarah from the car,” Rafael flung some cash on the table and we left without looking back.


End file.
